“Yeah, but you’re ashamed of it. Think it’s embarrassing or weak or whatever the fuck you’ve convinced yourself you believe.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I defended once more, but I could feel the heat in my cheeks and how my tongue stumbled clumsily over the words. This conversation was going down a path I hadn’t intended.
Brady took a step toward me—just one—and my body leaned forward in answer. “I’m happy with my life, Mac. Maybe it’s too small or too familiar for you, but it’s just right for me. I like this town and these people. I love my family and working with them. Not everyone is meant for more.”
I had to swallow twice before I could speak. “I know that.” The words were a whispered confession filled with shame and self-loathing.
How did you explain to someone that the same choices could be wrong for one person and right for another? That I was happy Brady had a place he belonged while also feeling like I didn’t quite fit. My life—the current shape of it—wasn’t enough for me. Or maybe it wasn’t what I’d thought it would be.
He watched me like he was waiting for me to say something—admit something. But I couldn’t get any of the words out. Not about our hometown. Not about my life here. And certainly not about how I was so mixed up over my feelings for him.
Our shared history, so faded and yet somehow raw, wouldn’t let me admit that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. That I wanted his hands on me, his sweet affection, his teasing. Whatever argument we were in the middle of was a casualty of my own cowardice. It was easier to avoid the real issue—simpler to fight. We’d been doing that for years.
This current battle didn’t make me forget, but it kept me from making a fool of myself. I’d agreed to one night with Brady, and I couldn’t go back on that. It didn’t matter that I’d been wrong and I still wanted more.
How did you turn your life upside down for someone you never saw coming? Brady had slipped past my defenses, and that only made me want to lash out. The simple truth was: I was scared. Terrified to tie myself further to this life andthis place in one more quantifiable way. Fall for the boy who used to tease me on the playground. I was a walking Hallmark movie. A hometown cliché.
“I’ll see you around, Mac.” Brady brushed by me and went back to the fire. Abandoning me and the conversation, likely knowing it was a lost cause. I couldn’t say I blamed him.
I closed my eyes and called myself every kind of idiot.
When I eventually made my way back to Larry, she didn’t even question why I hadn’t returned with any drinks. Kayla and her guy were gone, and my cousin was alone, staring moodily into the fire.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she lied, without looking away.
“Want to talk about it?”
“No. Not right now.”
I nodded, hoping she’d find it within her stubborn nature to seek me out when she was ready.
Distraction felt like the way to go, and I was rattled enough by the conversation with Brady that I actually wanted her opinion.
“Larry, do you think Will is right about me?”
She glanced at me and frowned. “What do you mean?”
“How he’s always checking up on me, making sure my work gets done, assuming I’ll half-ass everything.”
Larry looked thoughtful, and I appreciated that she didn’t immediately throw out some bullshit to pacify me. “Well, it’s not like you really go out of your way to volunteer for things. I think he knows you don’t want any more responsibility.”
My mind went through a film reel of the past several years. Will asking me to trade shifts or stay late and cover for someone. How I never offered to set up early for the festivals or handle the committee meetings and represent our family or the farm. The way I contributed the bare minimum for the most part.
When I remained quiet, Larry rushed to add, “I don’t think Will thinks he can’ttrust you. It’s not that. He just knows you’re not invested. It’s just a job to you. Nine to five, you know?”
I nodded, knowing she was right. Thatwashow I viewed things.
After dedicating his life to a sport and his subsequent injury, Will had been forced to come back to Kirby Falls, but he’d made the best of it. While I wasn’t sure he was capable of being happy without baseball, he was doing what was important. He was intense and obsessed with being the best at everything all the time, but maybe I could use a little more of that in my life. Some motivation. A bigger role.
Like Brady had said, it didn’thaveto be settling. I could let myself be happy here.
Grandpappy’s was my family’s legacy. The Clarks were leaders in this town. I’d been content to keep right on keeping on. A selfish teenager turned aloof twentysomething. It was probably time I grew up and took some responsibility for my place in all this. And if it was Brady Judd’s voice in the back of my mind urging me on, well, that was my own problem.
I got to work early the next day. And the next.
When I passed Will grabbing some coffee in front of the Bake Shop, I told him to put me down to work the Holiday Market. It was a weekend street fair that was part of Kirby Falls’ annual Holiday Jamboree. There was a tree lighting and parade and everything. Similar to at the farmers’ market, Grandpappy’s had a booth on Main Street alongside other local businesses and artisans, selling items from the bakery. It was the second biggest tourist event, behind the autumn Orchard Festival.
