BONNIE
Mac started talking before she’d cleared the front door.
“I got the last bottle of holiday custard. And the pizza and garlic knots will be here in twenty. I also ordered a Greek salad to split just so we could say we ate a vegetable at some point.”
My sister’s arms were loaded down with shopping bags, but when I moved to help her, she waved me off.
She dropped her supplies on my kitchen counter, and a pint of butter pecan ice cream went rolling onto the floor along with a box of Cookie Dough Bites and a bag of honey mustard pretzels.
With wide eyes, I stared at the mess of comfort calories. “Wow, you really went all out.”
“Well,” she said, swooping down to pick up the snacks that had tried to escape, “I figured if we were eating our feelings, then we should have some depth in the lineup.”
Following my last conversation with Jack, I’d pushed through and made it to the weekend. I knew I couldn’t let myself crumble, or school would be unmanageable. But today had beenthe last day before holiday break for both students and faculty, and now, I could let myself fall apart.
I’d texted my sister and told her Jack and I had broken up. She’d said she’d be over in an hour.
I really did love my sister.
But for a long time, I hadn’t let her love me back. Not the real me anyway. Jack had tossed around a lot of bullshit on Tuesday night, but he hadn’t been wrong about that.
I used to think I was the truest version of myself when I was alone, hiding myself away, tucking my fears and worries somewhere secret where no one could find them. But I think I was most myself when I was with Jack. I’d let him in. He’d seen the messy, imperfect parts of me and hadn’t shied away.
It was time I let other people know the truth, too.
“Are we watchingPride and PrejudiceorNorth and South?” Mac asked as she shoved another pint of ice cream into my freezer.
I took a deep breath and said, “I thought, maybe, we could just talk.”
My sister’s movements halted for a long moment before she replied casually, “Yeah. Uh, sure. We can do that.”
I smiled at the surprise in her tone as well as the terrible attempt to hide it.
“Let’s sit in the living room,” I called. “Bring the pretzels.”
Once we were settled on the couch, I turned to face Mac and told her the truth, for the first time in a very long time. “I haven’t been a very good sister to you.”
“Bonnie,” she scolded, and I loved her even more for looking so affronted on my behalf.
Instead of arguing, I explained, “I’ve hidden a lot of things about myself and kept even more from you. Not just you, but Mom and Dad and Larry and everyone. I only wanted you to see the good stuff, like the shiny social media version of myself. I never even told you what happened with my marriage.”
“I didn’t ask,” Mac said quietly.
With a sad smile, I told her, “Because you didn’t feel like you could. I was so fragile and messed up at the time. And you didn’t want me to unravel even more.”
My sister’s dark brows were furrowed, but she didn’t dispute it.
It seemed silly now, after all this time, that I’d kept so many things from Mac and the rest of my family. I could have leaned on them. I could have told them the truth about Danny and the end of my marriage. It had taken some time, but I’d learned that I didn’t have to do life alone. And the people who loved me the most had earned the chance to be there for me. Instead, I’d punished them and discounted them, taking their loyalty for granted.
“I want to be more honest,” I said. “I want to be the sister you deserve. Let you see the messy side of me. The parts that are tired and anti-social and a little bit cynical. And I’m sick of keeping things from you just so you can keep this favorable opinion of me. I’m not perfect. I cry. I have anxiety. I see a therapist. I stole a rabbit.”
Mac blinked.
I continued, “What I’m trying to say is, I want you to know me. I want us to have a good relationship—a real relationship. I love you, MacKenzie.”
“I love you too, Bon.” She reached over and drew me into a tight hug. “Even if you stole a rabbit, apparently.”
I snorted into her shoulder.
