For the next half an hour, I told my sister the truth. I told her about my marriage. How unhappy and lonely I’d been as Danny and I steadily grew apart. I admitted how stressful it had been trying for a baby for so long, while Danny refused to see a doctor or contemplate fertility evaluations and treatment. I told her about Danny cheating and how everything came undone over the course of ten months, ending with him asking for the divorce in a fit of frustrated impatience.
I only paused to grab the pizza and tip the delivery driver before resuming once more.
Mac listened and didn’t interject her opinion or interrupt to call Danny a piece of shit, which I appreciated and knew must have been difficult for her.
I wrapped things up with how Jack and I had met. How I’d gone to Magnolia on the night of my divorce looking for trouble, but instead ... I’d found him. Then I told her about falling in love with him slowly over the last few months. His surprising sweetness, his constant care, the cabinet. And then how he’d broken things off three days ago.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so closed off,” I said, finally. “I thought if you only saw the very best version of me, you wouldn’t worry.”
“And I was smothering you,” Mac replied matter-of-factly.
“No,” I argued.
She wiped her hand on a napkin and placed her empty plate on the coffee table. “No, I was. Always texting, making sure you were coming to trivia, or inviting you to dinner with me and Brady. I definitely overdid it after you and Danny separated. But, Bon, I was so worried. Seeing you have a panic attack ... I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d seen you cry. I think I was in shock or something. And it scared me enough that I never wanted it to happen ever again. So I thought if I checked on you enough, spent enough time with you, that I could keep you busy and distracted. That I could prevent it.”
“And I do appreciate that, Mac. I know you care about me. That’s never been a doubt in my mind. I’m going to do better. Be more honest. If I’m having a crappy day, I won’t just gloss over it and say I’m fine.”
“You could get mad at me, too. We could fight,” she added helpfully. “Sisters do that. Tell me to fuck off if I’m being too much or suffocating you. Or if you need me to help you get through this thing with Jack, I can be here with pizza and ice cream whenever you want.”
I smiled, grateful for my loyal, badass sister. But I didn’t know what was going to happen with Jack, and I’d spent too much of my life doing things the hard way to try to fix this on my own.
“What happened, Bonnie? Did he hurt you?”
I sighed, but admitted, “Yes, but not how you mean. He found out Danny wanted to fix things between us and just assumed that he and I were done. Like I could just toss Jack aside and go running back to my married life. Like the last three monthsnever happened.” I frowned as I considered. “I think he was trying to be noble or something.”
Jack had hurt me, but he’d hurt himself too. Walking away had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I’d needed to protect myself.
There was a part of me that thought Jack would realize I wasn’t going back to Danny. That with some time and perspective, he’d see the truth. My old life wasn’t packed up in a box somewhere just waiting for me to dig it out and open it up.
I was changed. Things were different now. I didn’t need to cling to the past because my present had been pretty damn good.
“Wow. He’s an idiot,” Mac decided.
I smiled, my tender heart agreeing and protesting at the same time.
“But you don’t want Danny back, right?”
Incredulous, I stared at Mac.
“I’m just making sure!” She held up her hands. “You were devastated, Bonnie. People go back to their undeserving exes all the time.”
I blinked. Maybe Jack’s assumption hadn’t been so unfounded if my sister thought I’d consider taking Danny back, too.
I wasn’t sure how to explain something that had lived inside me for so long. Another drawback to hiding your most vulnerable parts.
“I think Danny and I grew apart a long time ago,” I admitted. “Or maybe I forced myself to grow around him. You know those trees you see with twisted roots and limbs, searching for any bit ofsunlight they can get. I was like that. Turning myself inside out to be who I needed to be. But I deserve my own space. I deserve to live out from underneath someone else’s shadow.”
Mac’s blue eyes welled with tears, but she nodded.
“I don’t want the life I had before,” I insisted. “And, yes, I was devastated, but not anymore. Danny didn’t break my heart.” I fought to find the right words. “He ... made me question everything I knew to be true. Not just about my marriage or love, but about the way I thought I could hold it all together. I was unhappy, lonely, and neglected, probably, too. But I thought I was managing. Through the illusion of control, I thought I could will everything to be okay. That I was stronger than something as flimsy and changeable as emotion."
“But Jack,” I acknowledged, “he did the reverse. He denied himself—and me—in favor of control. I know he loves me. And he pushed me away despite that. Probably because he thinks I’m better off without him. Some misguided attempt to save me. Mac, it was like he couldn’t believe that I would pick him, andthatbroke my heart.”
My sister’s gaze moved past my shoulder to the beautiful cabinet near the front door. I knew what she was seeing. All the time and effort. The details. The love that went into building it, whether Jack wanted to admit that or not.
“Well, that’s what he’s used to,” she finally said, meeting my eyes once again. “People leaving. Feeling like he’s not enough for them to stay. Maybe he didn’t want to give you the chance to prove him right, too.”
I nodded. Jack kept himself contained for a reason. He’d rebelled and acted out at a young age. It was easy to trace thosemistakes back to his childhood and his abandonment issues. He’d grown up and taken charge of his life, but he still carried the scars. I hurt for that little boy who’d needed help falling asleep. For the teenager who hadn’t been able to find a place he belonged, so he’d created his own.
