‘It’s not your fault,’ Helena said, pulling him in close to her for a hug.
‘Where did he go?’ Raffy asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Helena shrugged. ‘He probably just needs some time to calm down.’
Raffy nodded. ‘You won’t go, will you?’ he asked. Helena feltclose to tears herself as she saw the vulnerability in Raffy’s eyes and she hated Noah all the more for it.
‘Of course not,’ Helena said.
‘What if he doesn’t come back?’ he asked.
‘I’m sure he will.’ Helena felt much less certain than she was making out. ‘But just in case, you can stay with me and Marge; we have a small room which I used to sleep in before Johnny moved out. It would be perfect for you. Won’t that be fun?’
She wiped away a tear as she watched Raffy bravely try to process what was happening. She knew how damaged he was, first from losing his mother, then from being torn away from Helena like that. He was old enough now to imagine that happening again.
‘Do you think Daddy will take me away again?’ he asked.
‘I am going to make sure he doesn’t,’ she whispered. ‘I love you, Raff.’
‘I love you too Helly,’ he whispered. She pulled him onto her lap and held him close, praying that whatever happened next, she would not lose him.
Helena’s phone beeped. With trembling hands she pulled it out of her pocket, expecting a message from Noah. It was Johnny.
Please come over, I need to talk to you, Jxx
She wanted to see him, but she couldn’t leave Raffy like this. She replied:
I can’t right now. I’ll explain later x
Suddenly desperate to get out of Noah’s house, she decided to pack up a bag of things for Raffy, some favourite toys and art supplies, and take him back to her place. She had no idea how long Noah would need before he calmed down and came home. Raffy was more than happy with the idea. He loved going to Hazel Cottage, where he had nothing but happy associations of playingwith the dogs and baking and eating delicious cakes. She thought it would do him good.
Raffy asked to bake brownies, so they busied themselves with that before having some lunch while they cooled down. Johnny had messaged again asking if he could come and see her. She had told him to come over. Helena couldn’t stop replaying the image of Nathalie and Johnny in each other’s arms over and over again in her mind. That must be what he wanted to tell her. She pictured the two of them discussing it, working out together how to break the news sensitively to a friend whose love life was such a disaster. She imagined them deciding that Helena would take it more kindly from Johnny, pictured Nathalie sending him off with a kiss and a ‘good luck’. Envy twisted in her stomach and she reminded herself how much she loved them, that they deserved to be happy together. Margery had left a note, explaining she had gone into town with Derek, who was taking her for lunch. Perhaps Johnny had purposefully picked this moment, knowing Margery would be out. After Raffy had finished his brownie, she set him up with a movie in the sitting room so that he wouldn’t have to see her fight back the tears when Johnny spoke to her.
Looking up, she saw Johnny’s car turning into the drive. She opened the front door as soon as he pulled up. Was she imagining things, or did he look as if he had been crying? As he got out of the car, she found tears burning her own eyes too. Before she knew it, she was running towards him. Tears were falling freely now as she fell into his arms. She felt herself dissolve in his embrace. The feeling of his body underneath the thin cotton of his T-shirt, his smell, the familiarity of him, everything he meant to her. It was all too much to bear. She wanted to stay lost in his arms. She squeezed her eyes shut, desperate to block out as much of the world as she could. She wanted to savour this moment forever.
They both pulled apart at the same time. They both said each other’s names, looking at each other with searching eyes, trying to find answers to questions unspoken.
Helena laughed, realising how absurd she must look, with herred stained face, covered in tears. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘What happened to your cheek?’
‘It’s okay,’ she said. She didn’t want to get into everything that had happened within earshot of the neighbours. ‘Come in.’ She found some kitchen roll to wipe her tears as she ushered him through into the kitchen.
‘Helena, I have to tell you something,’ Johnny said.
His expression was so serious, he looked so concerned that she felt her heart wrench. Maybe it was even worse than just telling her they were together. Oh god, maybe he had proposed too? Maybe that’s why they had been hugging in the kitchen. Her skin prickled with dread at the thought. She didn’t know if she felt brave enough to hear it. Suddenly, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. She sighed heavily. It was no good. She needed to face reality and deal with the consequences. It was too late to change anything now.
She sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.
‘I said no,’ she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. She couldn’t keep it to herself a second longer. ‘To Noah… I said no. It was awful…’
Johnny smiled in relief, his eyes shining with tears. Her heart soared sky-high at the sight of that smile.
Johnny knelt in front of her on the floor and took both of her hands in his.
‘Helena,’ he said.
When she lifted her gaze to meet his she saw the relief in his eyes. ‘You don’t know how glad I am to hear it. I was about to give you a long speech, to try and persuade you not to say yes. I have been killing myself that I let you go off like that, that I didn’t have the balls to say what I had to say…’
Helena’s head span in confusion.
