‘No!’
I closed my eyes and heard the noise of the chair touching the water. And then I reopened my eyes. I watched her disappear, become a blur of green and brown, and then nothing at all. A rush of air bubbles rose to the river’s surface. William Manning held his hand up and open, the whole time, telling the man who held that horribly slack rope to keep her under.
I looked at that large meaty red hand, a brute’s hand, praying for the fingers to close. Of course, whatever happened, she would die. And yet still – even as my own life hung in the balance – I wanted her to emerge from the water alive. I wanted her to speak again. I couldn’t imagine a world without her voice.
When they hoisted the chair and her dripping dead body out of the water there was an answer left as a secret in the river. Had she pushed the air out of her in panic or deliberately? Had she sacrificed her life for mine? I didn’t know. I wouldn’t ever know.
But she had died, because of me. And I stayed alive, because of her. And for years I regretted the promise I had made.
PART TWO
The Man Who Was America
London, now
Here I am.
I am in the car park. I have finished my second day at Oakfield School and am now in the process of unlocking my bicycle, which is attached to a metal fence next to the staff car park. I ride a bike because I have never trusted cars. I’ve ridden a bike now for a hundred years and I think they are one of the truly great human inventions.
Sometimes change is for the better, and sometimes change isn’t for the better. Modern toilets with a flush are definitely a change for the better. Self-service checkouts are definitely not. Sometimes things are a change for the better and the worse at the same time, like the internet. Or the electric keyboard. Or pre-chopped garlic. Or the theory of relativity.
And a life is like that. There’s no need to fear change, or necessarily welcome it, not when you don’t have anything to lose. Change is just what life is. It is the only constant I know.
I see Camille head to her car. The woman who I had seen in the park. And the corridor, yesterday, where we hadn’t said much. When I had felt claustrophobic and needed to walk away.
But now, there is no escape. She reaches her car. Puts the key in her lock as I struggle with mine. Our eyes meet.
‘Hi there.’
‘Oh, hi.’
‘The history guy.’
The history guy.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Just having a bit of trouble with the key.’
‘You can have a lift if you want.’
‘No,’ I say, a bit too quickly. ‘I’m . . . it’s . . .’
(It doesn’t matter how long you live. Small talk remains equally complex.)
‘Nice to meet you again. I’m Camille. Camille Guerin. I’m French. I mean, that’s my subject. Was also my nationality, too, though who lets nationality define them? Apart from idiots.’
I don’t know why, but I say, recklessly, ‘I was born in France.’ This goes against my CV, and Daphne is mere metres away.What am I doing? Why do I want her to know this?
Another teacher – someone I hadn’t been introduced to yet – walks out and Camille says ‘See you tomorrow’ to them and they return it.
‘So,’ she asks me, ‘do you speak French?’
‘Oui. But my French is a bit outdated . . . un peu vieillot.’
She tilts her head, frowns. I know this look. It is recognition. ‘C’est drôle. J’ai l’impression de vous reconnaître. Where have I seen you? I mean, the park, but before then, I feel sure of it now.’
‘It’s probably a doppelgänger. I have the sort of face people confuse easily with other faces.’
I smile, still polite, but distant. This conversation can’t really go anywhere but trouble. It isn’t making my head feel any better either.
