I nodded. “How did you not notice me for three years, Matt?”
“I made a mistake,” he said defensively.
“No. I don’t think you did. I think you didn’t notice me for three years because you and I are not meant to be together. We’re not right for each other, Matt. And it’s taken me looking at a tortoise to figure that out.”
“What the hell has a tortoise got to do with this?”
“Everything!” I said.
“Uh . . .” Matt took a step closer to me. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t sound like you’re thinking straight.”
I shook my head. “On the contrary, Matt. I have never thought so straight in my entire life.”
“But I broke up with Sam for you.” Now he sounded like he was pleading with me.
“And you shouldn’t have,” I said.
“But I did!” He said it a little louder this time. As if he was angry with me. “And she will never take me back now!”
“And she shouldn’t,” I said to him. “And you shouldn’t either. Because if you broke up with her because you thought you had feelings for me, then she wasn’t right for you in the first place either.”
“What?” He unfolded his arms and grabbed his head in his hands. “I called off my wedding for you, Val.”
“I know. And I’m sorry.” I rushed over to Matt now and tried to lay a hand on his shoulder. He pulled away from me.
“Shit. You are not doing this, Val! You can’t be doing this.”
“I am doing this, Matt,” I said. “I am finally sayingnoto you. I haven’t been able to say no to you for years, even when I wanted to. And I’m saying it now. No.”
He shook his head and I continued.
“Matt, you and I, we’re not right for each other. Don’t you see that?” I asked. I walked over to him and this time he let me lay my hands on his shoulders. I looked at him.
“You are going to make someone really, really happy one day. That someone is just not me.”
“But I called off my wedding for you,” he said again, as if this was the most important part of all this. The crux of the matter.
I sighed. “I put my entire life on hold for you for three years, and I’m sorry, but I am not going to waste another second of it.” I turned and walked out of his apartment for the last time.
I sat back in my chair, my finger hovered over the “Publish” button. For the first time in my life, I’d written something worthwhile—just like Alex said I would. I’d written something that would hopefully change people’s lives; mainly mine and Alex’s. I knew that he’d subscribed to the mag, so the second I published this, he would get a notification. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and then lowered my finger to the button.
DEAR DIARY: A WEEKLY COLUMN BY VAL IVANOV
Dear Diary,
I’ve made a terrible mistake. Huge mistake. You see, a couple of weeks ago, I made the wrong choice. And no, it wasn’t choosing what to watch on Netflix, this was much bigger than that.
Because I chose the wrong man. And not just any man.The man.The kindest, funniest, smartest, sexiest man I’ve ever met in my entire life. And this man stood right in front of me and he told me that he was falling for me and I did the unthinkable, I let him slip through my fingers. I let him walk away.
I should have run after him. I should have chased him down the beach and to the ends of the Earth, if need be, shouting at the top of my lungs that I had fallen too.That I loved him.But I didn’t. And now I’ve lost the most magical person that I’ve ever known.
And what is so magical about this person, I hear you ask?
Everything.
He came into my life when I needed him most and least expected it. He came into my life when I didn’t even know that he was exactly what I wanted and needed. He took me on an adventure like I’ve never been on before and on it I found myself . . .and him. And now that he’s gone, I can only look at my life in one way; before him, and after him.
Because he’s changed me. Changed every single part of me. And now that I’m changed, I can never go back to the way I was before him. He has awakened a part of me that I never even knew existed. He reached right into my heart and soul and left his mark there and I can never, ever erase it. I thought I loved a man once before him, but I realized that in loving that man, all I was doing was giving parts of myself away. And it was exhausting. But it’s not like that withhim; being with him, and loving him, only adds to my life and I want him back more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life before. Because loving him comes so easily.
