“You know . . .” Julian leaned in, “if you wanted something a little harder, I could get you—”
“No. No! It’s okay thanks.” I quickly cut him off and Alex started nodding in agreement.
“Tequila will do.” Alex opened the bottle and started pouring us a shot each.
“Just joking!” Julian laughed and then leaned over the bar again. “So, start bitching,” he said expectantly.
“Bitching! Yes, I can do that!” I felt confident. “I can bitch!”
“Me too,” Alex said.
“Okay, so . . .” I tried to start slagging Matt off, but nothing was coming to me. “Um, yeah, Matt! He was such a, such a . . . um . . .” I tried to think of something negative, but nothing came.Was I that far gone that I couldn’t find one bad thing to say about him?
“He was so, so, so . . .” I tried to forge ahead. But finally gave up and shrugged.
“Come on, you can do better than that,” Julian urged. “Was he selfish, maybe?”
I thought about it for a second and then nodded. “Well, I guess he did slip his laundry into mine sometimes and expect me to do it, and he hardly ever said thank you.”
“Selfish and ungrateful!” Julian clicked his tongue and shook his head.
I started thinking again. Really thinking. “You know what, he actually was ungrateful. I did so much for him. Stuff that girlfriends are meant to do. I even went out and bought him a new toothbrush when he dropped his in the toilet. And, oh God, he actually talked me into buying Sam tampons once because she’d run out and he didn’t know what to buy.”
“Damn! And what the heck did he do back for you, gurrlfriend?” Alex said with a strange accent. He clicked his fingers and snapped his head back and forth.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Isn’t this how women talk to each other when they’re trashing their exes?”
“Like Aretha Franklin?” I smiled at him and he smiled back.
“I’ve never done this before,” he confessed.
“Me neither.”
“But you’re doing so well. Continue,” Julian added.
I nodded, feeling a little more confident in my trash-talking abilities. “Okay, I mean, if I think about it, he usually only talked about the things he was interested in. I was always asking him how his day went and I would listen for ages, but he never really asked me back.”
“Selfish prick,” Alex said, dropping the accent and the dramatic clicking.
“I know, right?” In fact, now that I reflected on it, I could see he was selfish. The relationship had often felt like a one-way street, but I’d ignored those feelings so often.
Julian and Alex looked at me and shook their heads. This was starting to feel really good.
“And, while I’m at it, he didn’t sound like he was that great in bed either.”
“Do tell.” Julian leaned in even more; it looked like he was having more fun than we were.
“Well, I could hear them. And it’s not like she was screaming his name every five minutes and banging the wall with her sweaty fists.” I threw back a shot of tequila and looked at Alex and Julian. They were both staring at me now.
“What?” I asked.
Alex and Julian looked at each other, as if they were communicating silently.
“What?” I asked again.
“So . . .” Julian started, “your definition of good sex is screaming his name every five minutes?”
