“And how long does it take to shoot twenty episodes?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. A month or two maybe?”
“A month or two,” he repeated. “And you’ll be living in Joburg during those months?”
“I . . . I . . . guess. I hadn’t really thought that far. I hadn’t really thought about the logistics of the whole thing. I mean, I just heard the news twenty minutes ago, and I didn’t really stop to consider—”
“Emmy and me? Didn’t stop to consider us?”
“I mean, I guess. But let’s talk about it now. It’s not like I’m moving to another country, I’m only moving to—”
“So, you’re just going?” he asked. “Just like that. One day you’re here, and one day you’re not.” His face changed. It washed over with anger again.
I hadn’t seen him like that in ages.
“This was such a fucking bad idea,” he said. “I should have known this would happen.”
“What was a bad idea?” I asked.
“Bringing you into our lives like this. I should never have done that,” he said. “I knew I should have kept my business and personal lives separate.”
“Bringing me?” I repeated. “Bringing me, like I am some kind of possession?”
He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“You were the one that said I should stay, remember?” My heart was thumping in my chest now.
“Well, maybe that was a mistake. Now that you’ve just suddenly decided to leave like this.”
“I didn’t say a thing about leaving. This is not me leaving!” I was frustrated now; he wasn’t hearing me.
“I think the definition of leaving is when a person physically goes. And you are physically going.” He looked at me.
I shook my head. Exasperated. “Yes, I am going for a while, but I’m not leaving. Well, not in that sense.”
“How many different leaving senses can there be, Poppy? As far as I can see, there’s only one. Either you are here, with us. Or you are gone. You’ve left.”
He stood up and walked off. Walked into the center of the floor and looked around. And then he turned. His face looked so sad, so vulnerable. I wanted to stand up and hug him, but I knew I couldn’t. “We’ve just got used to having you here. I like having you here. It feels right. You bring this light into our home; I haven’t had that for so long, neither has Emmy, and now you are just going to leave? Are we not important to you?” he asked. His eyes looked like they were watering now.
I stood up too. “Youareimportant to me. You and Emmy are so important to me. And I love you,” I said.
“I love you too. But then why does it feel like I’m losing you?”
“Who said anything about losing?” I asked. “I’m just—”
“Moving away from us for a couple of months,” he said. He said it in a tone that was so sad and empty that I think I heard it for the first time.I got it.How would I feel if he and Emmy came to me, out of the blue, and said they were leaving?
I stopped. My heart felt like it was breaking now. “Are you asking me to choose between you and this job?” I asked shakily.
He hung his head. “When you put it that way, it sounds unfair.”
“I honestly didn’t think I would need to choose. You were the one who told me to follow my dream!”
“Yeah, I just didn’t think that it would take you away from us.”
“Neither did I,” I said. “So what do you want?” I threw my arms in the air. “Should I say no to this job and go and take a job that I’m miserable in, like you? Should I take some job that I hate, that makes me unhappy and angry and irritable? Like you?”
“That’s not fair,” he said.
