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Besides, I’m almost positive he’s going out with Judith Gershner, because after he came back from the grill, he went and sat down next to her.
So that settles that.
I wish I were leaving for Genovia tomorrow instead of in two weeks.
Monday, December 8, French
In spite of that disastrous incident at lunch, I had a pretty good time in Gifted and Talented. In fact, it was almost like old times again. I mean, before we all started going out with each other and everyone became so obsessed with the inner workings of my mouth, and all that.
Mrs. Hill spent the whole class period in the teachers’ lounge across the hall, yelling at American Express on the phone, leaving us free to do what we usually do during her class . . . whatever we wanted. For instance, those of us who, like Lilly’s boyfriend Boris, wanted to work on our individual projects (Boris’s is learning to play some new sonata on his violin), which is what Gifted and Talented class is supposedly for, did so.
Those of us, however, like Lilly and me, who did not want to work on our individual projects (mine is studying for Algebra; Lilly’s is working on her cable access TV show) did not.
This was especially satisfying, because Lilly had completely forgotten about the whole kissing thing between Kenny and me. The reason for this is that now she’s mad at Mrs. Spears, her honors English teacher, who shot down her term paper proposal.
It really was unfair of Mrs. Spears to turn it down, because it was actually very well thought out, and quite creative. I made a copy of it:
How to Survive High School
by Lilly Moscovitz
Having spent the past two months locked in that institution of secondary education commonly referred to as high school, I feel that I am a qualified authority on the subject. From pep rallies to morning announcements, I have observed high-school life and all of its complexities. Sometime in the next four years, I will be granted my freedom from this festering hellhole, and then I will publish my carefully compiled High School Survival Guide.
Little did my peers and teachers know that as they went about their daily routines, I was recording their activities for study by future generations. With my handy guide, every ninth grader’s sojourn in high school can be a little more fruitful. Students of the future will learn that the way to settle their differences with their peers is not through violence, but through the sale of a really scathing screenplay—featuring characters based on those very individuals who tormented them all those years—to a major Hollywood movie studio. That, not a Molotov cocktail, is the path to true glory.
Here, for your reading pleasure, are a few examples of the topics I will explore in How to Survive High School, by Lilly Moscovitz:
1. High-School Romance, or How I Cannot Open My Locker Because Two Oversexed Adolescents are Leaning Up Against It, Making Out
2. Cafeteria Food: Can Corndogs Legally Be Listed as a Meat Product?
3. How to Communicate with the Subhumans Who Populate the Hallways
4. Guidance Counselors: Who Do They Think They’re Kidding?
5. Get Ahead by Forging: The Art of the Hall Pass
Does that sound good, or what? Now look what Mrs. Spears had to say about it:
Lilly—Sorry as I am to hear that your experience thus far at AEHS has not been a positive one, I am afraid I am going to have to make it worse by asking you to find another topic for your term paper. A for creativity, as usual, however.
—Mrs. Spears
Can you believe that? Talk about unfair! Lilly’s been censored! By rights, her proposal ought to have brought the school’s administration to its knees. Lilly says she is appalled by the fact that, considering how much our tuition costs, this is the kind of support we can expect from our teachers. Then I reminded her that that isn’t true of Mr. Gianini, who really goes beyond the call of duty by staying after school every day to conduct help sessions for people like me, who aren’t doing so well in Algebra.
Lilly says Mr. Gianini probably only started pulling that staying-after-school thing so that he could ingratiate himself to my mother, and now he can’t stop, because then she’ll realize it was all just a setup and divorce him.
I don’t believe that, however. I think Mr. G would have stayed after school to help me whether he was dating my mom or not. He’s that kind of guy.
Anyway, the upshot of it all is that now Lilly has launched another one of her famous campaigns. This is actually a good thing, as it will keep her mind off me and where I am putting (or not putting) my lips. Here’s how it started:
Lilly: The real problem with this school isn’t the teachers. It’s the apathy of the student body. For instance, let’s say we wanted to stage a walkout.
Me: A walkout?
Lilly: You know. We all get up and walk out of the school at the same time.
Me: Just because Mrs. Spears turned down your term paper proposal?
