The question makes me blink.
It comes from Léa, but Vanessa looks just as interested. It’s matter of fact, but it sets my face on fire.
“It’s not like that,” I say hurriedly. “The video—it was just—it’s not like that.”
Vanessa nods. “I’m not interested in him like that. I just want the funding he promised for the research I’m doing on breast cancer. So if you want to carry on, that’s fine. If it’s me.”
I choke on air. “Thank you. It won’t, um, be a problem.”
Tristan’s looking now. I see his eyes scanning me and him turning his horse. My stomach churns in response.
“He’s looking for you guys.”
They both turn, blocking me with their horses, and I whirl. I have to leave. I thought I could do this, but I definitely, one hundred percent cannot. My elbow scrapes across the stone wall at the edge of the field, the pain shocking a yelp from my throat.Fuck.My eyes are watering. I need a band-aid. I have one in the first aid kit. It’s—where is it?
Nour leaps off the fence when she sees my face. “Katie?”
I press my fingers to my pulse. It’s way too fast. “I need a band-aid.”
Her hand lands on my shoulder, squeezing gently. “Katie. Look at me.”
I look. Her face is soft, like an older sister’s or a mom’s. I’m going to lose it, and I don’t want to lose it right here in front of them.
“Breathe, sweetie.”
“Don’t call me that. Nour, please.” My lower lip is trembling.
“Breathe,” she repeats. “I’m going to get you a band-aid.”
I mean to nod, or say thank you, or maybe brush her off and tell her that I’ll be fine, because I’m always fine. I’m the fine one. I’ve never met an obstacle I couldn’t handle on my own, and I don’t need anyone to help me.
But what comes out is “Nour, I think I need to leave.”
42
TRISTAN
Ican’t do this. I feel like my heart and my ribs are trying to separate as I watch Katie walk off the field. Her shoulders are tight and her head is bowed. She doesn’t look at me. I don’t think she’s ever left without looking at me.
I’m the one she looks for when something funny happens.
I’m the one she mouthshelloandgoodbyeto even when we’re at a huge party.
Our eyes always find each other.
Look up, I plead.Please, look up.I need you to be okay.I need to know I didn’t ruin everything with you. I’m selfish, so selfish. I shouldn’t have kissed you or touched you, and if we can just go back to the way things were, I swear I’ll forget how much I want you.My lungs feel like they are dissolving at the edges, shrinking and shrinking until—
“Tristan?”
I blink at the woman next to me. Nadia. Right.
“I’m sorry. Did you say something?”
“I asked which house on the property is yours.”
My brain is utterly blank. I have no idea where I live for two long seconds.
“That one.” I gesture in the direction of my house. “Nearest to the water.” I don’t tell her that I love to watch the sunrise from my house, perched on the upper deck, with a coffee and nothing but gulls to greet me.
