Would she expect to share that with me?
She might. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I thought I could pick one of these women to marry but not love, but now, faced with an interminable future of days like today, I am seared with the impossibility of it.
I can’t do this again. I can’t watch the distance between Katie and me grow with a loveless marriage filling the void. I can’t bear for her to be on the outside.
My heart shrinks in on itself as I catch sight of her rounding the edge of the field and heading for the house.
Something is wrong.
Katie wouldn’t leave halfway through a shift.
“Nour,” I call and turn my pony. Nour jogs over, her jaw set and her eyes flashing. “Is everything okay?”
Nour folds her arms, showing off more muscle than most men I know. “She scraped her arm.”
I force myself to think logically. A scrape is nothing. Katie gets worse than that all the time. And she asks me to bandage her, but she didn’t today.
It’s already happening.
“Katie wouldn’t leave for just that.”
“No, she wouldn’t.”
I tip my head toward Nadia and Vanessa. “Can you give us a minute?”
They nudge their horses and move away, and I spear Nour with a look. “What is happening?”
“What do you think is happening?” she hisses. Her eyesare sparking, and her jaw works briefly, before she sighs. “I’m probably going to get fired for this, but I’m going to give it to you straight. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be her?”
I open my mouth to say yes, to argue, to tell Nour that I know Katie better than she does, but then I think about the set of her shoulders and the way her chin was tucked against her chest and I shake my head.
“Tell me. Please.” My voice cracks.
Her eyes soften slightly. “She is always on the outside, Tristan. We all are. This is her home but not. She’s not supposed to get close to you, but she has. And always, she has to reckon with the possibility that everything could be taken from her.”
My throat works soundlessly.
I knew this, and yet I never really considered all the consequences for Katie.
I watch her walk across the grass, so alone, and the wrongness of it strikes me in the chest. I should be there next to her. She should never be alone. If I have my way, she’ll never be alone again.
I want her. Desperately. I would rather ruin myself than hurt her.
Suddenly, what I need to do seems crystal clear, and I almost laugh at the simplicity of it.
I want her to be my wife.
I might not stand a chance, but I’m no longer willing to sit on the sidelines.
I wheel my pony around and nudge her toward the group of women. “I’m sorry,” I tell them. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Léa demands.
I shake my head. “I’ll fund your research. Just send me how much you need.” I try for a smile but I can feel that itdoesn’t look right. “Honestly, each of you deserves so much more than this anyway.”
They protest, but I’m not listening as I turn Starlight, the pony Sienna named at sixteen, for the trail that leads to the main house.
“Come on, girl. We’ve got things to do.”
