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“Oh, Lilly,” I breathed. I forgot about being a nihilist. All I could think about was how much Lilly was hurting. “Oh, Lilly. I’m so sorry.”
“So am I,” Lilly said, wiping her eyes again. “Sorry I was such an idiot for not admitting to myself what I KNEW was going on sooner.”
I blinked at her. “What do you mean?”
“Well, the very first time I told him that I loved him, and all he said was thank you? I mean, I should have taken that as a sign that he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him, right?”
“But we all just thought it was because he wasn’t used to having a girl like him,” I said. “Remember, Tina said—”
“Right, that he was like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, unused to human love, and uncertain how to react to it. Well, guess what? Tina was wrong. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to react. He just didn’t love me back, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me so. So he just led me on, all these months.”
I couldn’t help sucking in my breath. “Oh, Lilly,” I said. “No! I mean, he must have thought maybe—”
“That he’d grow to love me?” Lilly managed a bitter smile. “Yeah, well, apparently it didn’t work.”
“Oh, Lilly,” I said. I could have killed J.P. right then. I really could have. I couldn’t believe he was putting her through this.
And to do it at school! Of all places! I mean, why couldn’t he have waited until they were somewhere alone, like Ray’s Pizza, and broken the news to her then, so she could cry in private? What’s wrong with boys?
I’ll kill him. Seriously. I’m going to kill him.
I didn’t even realize I’d said the words out loud until Lilly reached out and grabbed my wrist and said, “Mia. No. Don’t.”
I looked at her, startled. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t say anything to him about it. Really. It’s my fault. I…I sort of knew all along that he didn’t love me.”
“What?” I’ve heard about this before. When victims of rat fink boyfriends blame themselves for what the loser himself did.
But I never thought LILLY, of all people, would be one of them.
“What are you talking about, you knew? Obviously you didn’t know, Lilly, or you wouldn’t have—”
“No, it’s true,” Lilly said, her voice hoarse with tears. “When he never said he loved me back, I suspected that there was something wrong. But I—well, like you said. I thought he might learn to love me. So I stayed with him, instead of breaking it off, like I should have. It’s not his fault. He tried, Mia. He really did. It was actually really nice of him not to let it go farther than it did. He could really have taken advantage. But he didn’t.”
I couldn’t help being all, “So, wait. Does that mean that you two never—”
Lilly’s eyes narrowed. “Nice try, POG,” she said. “I’m down, but I’m not out. We still have a presidential election to plan, you know.”
I dropped my head down to the top of the desk. “Lilly,” I said. “I can’t. I just can’t. Can’t you see I’m broken?”
“Well, I’m broken, too,” Lilly said defensively. “And I’m still able to FUNCTION. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles, if they had legs.
Then, in a gentler voice, Lilly added, “Look, POG, about you and my brother. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks,” I said. And all the tears I thought I had successfully fought down in the cafeteria came rushing back.
“But I don’t get it,” Lilly said.
“Of course you don’t get it,” I said miserably, to the top of the desk. “You’re his sister. You’re on his side.”
“I may be his sister,” Lilly said. “But I’m your best friend, too. And it just seems like such a stupid waste. I know you’re mad at him, but really…what did he do that was so wrong? So he slept with Judith Gershner. Big deal. It’s not like he did it WHILE you two were going out.”
“It IS a big deal,” I insisted. “I just…I never thought Michael, of all people, would do something like that. Sleep with someone he didn’t even love. And then LIE to me about it. And I KNOW you think that’s just me inflicting my beliefs onto him. But I always just assumed he and I shared the same beliefs. And now I find out he’s more…well, he’s more like Josh Richter than he is like me!”
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