“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t—”
“It’s fine, pidge.” Charlie sounded like he really meant it. “Sometimes it happens.”
I hated recoiling from him, but he could sense it through our bond that I was freaking out. “I really do want to kiss you.”
“I know. I feel guilty. I didn’t mean to set you off.”
“I didn’t think you would,” I said. “It’s… is something wrong with me?”
“No,” Charlie said immediately. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Let’s just start over. You can make the moves. I’ll hold back.”
I was nervous that something horrible would happen again. But, I reminded myself, I was in control of this situation. Charlie was willing to let me call the shots. This was nothing like that night in the woods, when John had attacked.
I moved toward him, though every inch of my body was telling me to hold back. I went slow, and started with a peck on the lips. Charlie kept his hands at his sides, and I began kissing him deeper. The kiss was different this time, slow and sensual. By the time the alarm bells in my head stopped ringing, I felt at ease. I grabbed Charlie’s wrists and put his hands on my hips. He sat them there, and began kissing me back. A warmth spread over my body, conquering the fear and setting it aside as we proceeded into gentler territory. When I finally pulled back, both of us were breathing heavily, but I was no longer afraid.
I licked my lips. “Thanks for being there for me.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he said. “One step at a time.”
Hollowness grew inside of me with how patient he was being. It was so kind, and I felt I didn’t deserve it. I almost wanted to tell him,See? This is why we can’t date. I’m too messed up.
But instead, I said, “We should go. We’re going to be late for class.”
“To hell with class.” Charlie’s voice was amused and low. “I want to stay here with you.”
I wanted that, too, but the Institute had rules. “If we skip class, we’ll get an infraction. We can pick this up later.”
That seemed to change his mind. Charlie’s hands trailed from my hips. I was relieved, and sad, when his touch was no longer on my body. My emotions for him were like a wave, pushing me toward him and away in one circular motion. I might get seasick.
“You gonna be okay?” His voice was worried.
“I always will be, so long as you’re there.”
Charlie smiled wistfully, and he parted from me. Oberi went with him as they left the room and went the opposite direction down the hall.
Despite the bad moment I’d had a few moments ago, our last kiss had lifted my mood. My head was still swimming with hormones and horniness when I sat next to Kallie in our Substance Abuse course.
The fae sorceress smirked as she caught sight of my goofy grin. She scooted her chair closer. “You seem happy to be back from break.”
I couldn’t hide my smile. “Let’s just say Charlie wasveryexcited to see me.”
“Ooh,” Kallie teased. “So what’s the status on you two?”
“There isn’t one.” My smile fell a little. “We’re just… you know… us.”
“You aren’t going out?” Kallie’s tone was accusatory.
“I mean… no… maybe?” I said. “We’re not putting labels on anything. I told him I want to see where it leads.”
Kallie groaned and hit me in the arm. “Girl, you arekillingme! Why haven’t you made him your boyfriend?”
I paused as I considered her question. There wasn’t an answer I could give that she would understand. I’d had a ton of boyfriends before, but to be honest, I blew through guys like money. I never got close enough to any of them to want anything deep. Two weeks would pass, or a month, maybe, and I’d get bored and want to be single again.
Charlie was so,sodifferent. My feelings about him were complicated and numerous. Every thought I had about him seemed to expand into a galaxy. I couldn’t say I’d ever been in love before. I’d had crushes and felt butterflies, but I’d never fallen so far I felt like I couldn’t live without somebody.
And that was the problem. Being that vulnerable terrified me. I knew I didn’t want to live without Charlie Wahkin. I loved him, but love was dangerous. It was how people got hurt.
After losing Monica, and being assaulted by John, I felt like an empty vessel. There wasn’t anything I could offer Charlie. He didn’t know that yet, but soon, he would.
