“Did you have a bad dream?” I asked.
He didn’t answer me, and Oberi’s attention piqued up from the other room. She’d been listening in.
Those weeks you spent in the hospital were really hard, she said quietly, and added nothing else.
I thought of Oberi— rushing in to comfort Charlie in the dead of night, before getting up in the morning to put on a brave face for me, carrying in flowers from the hospital she’d grown for my enjoyment.
My Familiar had to be terribly worn.
Charlie took a short breath. “Sleeping without you was… I just… had these awful nightmares. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, thinking you were dead, and then when you weren’t beside me, I’d think it was true. It took me forever to remember that you were in the hospital, and getting better. It was like that nearly every night until you came home.”
I remembered the bruise on his forehead that I’d healed while I’d been in the hospital, and became still. Most people wouldn’t describe our crappy, tiny apartment in the Institute as home, but it was, because that’s where we were building our life. I reached out to hold his hand. He needed that grounding, the physical contact.
He rubbed his face with his free hand. “I hate talking about this. It brings up a lot of shit.”
“I’m sorry about the conversation earlier,” I whispered. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to hurt yourself.”
“No. It was one moment that happened in a time when I was hurting. I’m not in that place anymore, and I don’t think I could ever go back there. I want to leave that moment in the past… where it belongs.”
“... Okay.”
He curled away from me, and that hurt. This wasn’t enough. Charlie and I had been doing so well, and anything that caused distance to grow between us was a threat to that connection. And in those hours, sitting alone with my thoughts, I’d come to a settlement between what my values were and what my reality was.
I needed Charlie. Right or wrong, I couldn’t live without him. And no matter what I said, I understood where he was coming from, and was willing to accept his reaction to my death after the Underground, because I admitted to myself that I would’ve done the same thing. I needed him in the same way he needed me.
I couldn’t tell him how I truly felt, because words didn’t express everything I wanted to say. I wanted to prove to him that I could give him everything I had, so he could prove to me he could keep it safe. Show him that I could be obedient to all his desires, no matter what they were, because he lived and breathed for me. I longed to give myself over to him and completely submit, and I only had one idea how.
Charlie had curiously observed my thought process, waiting for me to come to a decision. I paused for a moment, before I said, “Dominate me.”
“What does that mean?” He turned on his side toward me.
“I want to completely submit. In every way,” I said. “I’m tired of trying to convince myself that I can live without you, so I might as well surrender to that desire. I can’t keep fighting it. I want to give my whole life to you, in a way that deepens our marriage. You can make the decisions. I just want the freedom that comes with finally letting go.”
“Are you sure?”
“I had a lot of time to think earlier.” I raised my wrists together and offered them to him. “This is what I need.”
Not even what I wanted— though I did. What Ineeded.I couldn’t truly be his, or be free, when I was wrestling with this fear that loving him entirely, with all that I was, could end me. I knew it could, and I was willing to accept that now. He could have me in any way he wanted, so long as he took that burden from my shoulders.
I told myself that it was okay to need him. It was okay for him to need me. I wasn’t afraid anymore.
Charlie sat up onto his knees. I was wearing one of his shirts, and he lifted it over my head and tossed it on the floor. He put a hand under my ass to lift me up, to support my weight. He then took my wrists gently and began kissing them, moving his lips up my arms and over my breasts. He kissed my neck, and I let my head fall against his gently as he parted my hair away, kissing the soft skin there before he ran his thumb over my lips.
“If you’re giving yourself to me like this, I want to make you a promise.” He gently lifted my chin with a finger and uttered, “I can’t say I will never hurt you, but I will never do so intentionally. I will never abandon you, and I will never leave you alone. Whatever happens, you’re always going to be safe with me. You don’t have to worry about anything, baby girl. Just let yourself relax.”
My eyes lulled shut as he caressed my neck lightly. He fisted a hand in my hair before he kissed me, and he tasted absolutely delicious.
Charlie sat me down and reached for the bedside table, where we kept the rope. He crossed my arms over my front, underneath my breasts, before he started tying. He bound both of my wrists together to my front before he wrapped the rope around my middle. The rope rubbed against my nipples, heightening the sensations there so the anticipation heightened. He crisscrossed the rope over my shoulders and fixed it in place, so I was wearing a simple chest harness. I couldn’t move my upper body much. The restraint the rope gave sent a thrill of delight through my senses.
“Is that comfortable?” Charlie fixed the final knot and ran his hands down my arms.
I didn’t respond. Instead, I focused on trying to rub my nipples over the rope, because it felt that good, but the harness made me stay in place.
“I asked you a question,” Charlie said. “I always want to know the truth about how you feel. Don’t make me ask again.”
I wiggled a bit, then said, “It.. feels nice, but it’s uncomfortable around my sides. Could you tie it a little looser?”
“Done.” He adjusted the harness, then tied it again. “Better?”
