“Whatever it was, I don't think you want it to happen again.”
“No. It was scary, blanking out like that. And if itdoeshappen again, I want to be in control of it this time.”
I dropped my gaze. “I know how you feel. It's no fun, losing yourself.”
“No. I hated it.” Marcus scowled.
“If you don’t want it to happen again, you’ve gotta work on understanding yourself, and what your triggers are. It’s important for you to manage your condition, so it doesn’t interfere with your life anymore. Or at least, as little as possible.”
“It’s not like I’m disabled like you and Charlie are.”
“BPDisa type of disability, because it’s disabling to live like this,” I insisted. “You shouldn’t discredit how painful this type of disorder can be.”
“How can you say that?” Marcus asked. “You definitely have it worse than me. You’re in a wheelchair.”
“Big deal. That doesn’t mean I get more disability points than you,” I said. “Yeah, not being able to walk isn’t exactly ideal, but there are times where my bipolar gets so crippling that it becomes more of an obstacle to my life than being a paraplegic does. It’s not a competition to see who’s suffering more. You’re in pain, so you should get what you need to get better. That’s not taking anything away from me.”
“Okay. I suppose you’re right.” Marcus leaned back as he finished the tattoo. “I’ll go see a psychiatrist as soon as I can— tomorrow, even.”
“Thank you. It means more to me than you know that you’re taking this seriously.” I raised my arm to observe the finished tattoo. I almost went breathless at how elaborate it was. “It’s beautiful, Marcus.”
“If you say so.” He shrugged. “The nose is too long, and I put too many lines in the mane.”
I didn’t see it. “Well, whatever you think, the world shouldn’t live without a gift like this, or withoutyou. And despite yourbond being broken, maybe things between you and Kallie can get better once you find what works for managing your health.”
“She’s never going to take me back. It’s done,” he replied despondently.
“I’m not saying you guys are ever going to be romantically involved again,” I added. “But she means a lot to you, and you mean a lot to her. And though she needs her space, maybe there’s still room for you somewhere down the line, once you get better. Being friends is a lot better than being nothing.”
Marcus subconjured the drawing pad and quill. “I don’t know if I can get better. But I want to at leasttry.Thank you, Ava. For being there.”
I always would. Marcus and I shared something with each other the other two couldn’t comprehend, a wordless understanding that agreed we were very similar and struggled with similar things. Charlie struggled at points with connecting with my turbulent emotions, but Marcus didn’t, because he had to battle them himself. We couldn’t shove down our feelings and hide them like my husband and Kallie could; we had to fight with them every day. So I would be someone who Marcus could battle his feelings with, because I knew better than anybody no one could do this alone.
Marcus agreed with me that he shouldn’t be alone right now, and that he should stay with his parents for a while instead of in Charlie’s suite with the rest of our friends. I figured it would be best if he didn’t cross paths with Kallie or Charlie right now, and that his family would look out for him until he got to a more stable place. I personally escorted him there. I explained the situation quickly to Nadine and Lucas before I left with Oberi to travel back to our quarters.
By this time, it was pretty late at night, and I was longing for bed. But I really wanted to talk to Kallie before I turned in.
She opened up her door immediately when I knocked. I had the thought she appeared to be completely renewed. She stood straighter, and there was a reignited light in her eyes that I thought had gone out a long time ago.
My heart sank as I realized she looked like a girl who was relieved to finally be out of a bad relationship. My own feelings about the whole matter were complicated. I’d be cheering for her and opening a bottle of wine to celebrate if this had been some douchebag she’d dumped.
But it wasn’t. The person she’d left was one of my best friends. I was happy that she was finally free of a situation that had been suffocating her. But I was also sad for Marcus that he’d lost her.
“Hey. You talk to Marcus?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I entered her room, and she shut the door behind me. “He’s with his parents.”
She nodded slowly. “Good. I won’t have to worry about him. I can focus on… me.”
“How do you feel?” I asked. We roamed to the balcony, and she took a seat in one of the chairs while Oberi perched on the ledge.
“Honestly? Like I can finally breathe,” she admitted. “It’s no longer about what makes him happy, or what makes us happy, but what makes me happy. I can think about what I need, and I haven’t in so long. I lost myself in what we were, and to find myself again… I can’t even tell you how much that means.”
“I’m glad you’re getting your identity back.”
“I had to. It’s hard for me to remember who I was before him.” She crossed her arms, holding herself. “At least now I can make decisions for myself without some jerk trying to run the show.”
“There might be more to it,” I said slowly.
