“That’s never going to be me.” My lip quivered, but I held it in. I was so sick of crying. If I shed any more tears, I’d dissolve into mist and fade away. “This child deserves more than what I can give him. He’d only be a burden to me, and he shouldn’t feel that way. If I can’t give him what he needs, I need to find someone who can. I owe this child good decisions.”
“You have the ability to make them.”
“No, Mama, I can’t! There are so many people who can’t have babies who desperately want them, who’d give their lives to have kids, but I got stuck with one that I don’t have any feelings for because I was stupid!”
I dashed away moisture on my lashes with the back of my hand, and Mama stared. “Have you held him yet?”
I scoffed. “No.” I didn’t want to— and nobody had bothered to ask, either.
“I won’t push you into doing anything you don’t want to do. But it might help,” Mama offered.
“You can’t make me.”
“Just try,” Mama pleaded. “If it’s too much, I’ll take over.”
I allowed myself to glance at the baby. He’d probably been longing to be in my arms the minute he came out, and I wasn’t able to give him that.
I could give him that now, though. My shoulders slumped in defeat. “Fine. One minute.”
Mama reached into the incubator, carefully withdrawing the baby. She nestled the child into my waiting arms, being careful not to snag the tubes. She hovered over me, watching me carefully.
I could feel her eyes on me. She didn’t trust me not to hurt him. She wanted to believe this baby was safe with me, but she wasn’t sure.
I wasn’t, either. I didn’t feel any rush of love or powerful feelings. Casey felt like a warm, light weight in my arms, something that had a tiny heartbeat and little hands he waved in the air.
I didn’t want to harm him, though, and no thoughts crossed my mind of doing so, which was more than what I expected. I let out a short sigh of relief.
“How are you doing?” Mama asked cautiously.
“It’s fine,” I said. “Though he’s just a baby.”
Mama nodded. “Progress, remember?”
I stared at the baby, taking in his soft wisps of black hair. “When I was born, Eagle Spirit took Charlie’s soul to you. He saw you giving birth,” I said. “You guys couldn’t see him, but he was there. He felt my part of our spirit dying, and knew he had to do something to save me.”
My throat felt like I’d swallowed razor blades as I choked, “He gave up his eyes.”
Mama nodded, biting her lip— a tell that she was struggling to remain calm in the light of emotional news. “That would make a lot of sense. We knew that someone on the other side intervened, and that your birth was supernatural.”
The baby wiggled slightly, which made me stiffen in discomfort. “You think Charlie and I should work things out.”
“I don’t want to tell you my opinions. You deserve to make your own calls.”
“You’re terrible at hiding things. I can always tell what’s on your mind by looking at your face.”
Mama gave a misty smile. “All I know for certain is that Charlie deeply loves you. His sacrifice shows that.”
I snorted. “I’m sure Daddy has the same opinion.”
“You’d be surprised what your father thinks. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t calling for Charlie’s head after what happened. He can be a complicated man.”
I shook my head. “I was a gift from the gods, but Casey wasn’t planned. You guys got this beautiful birth because of what Charlie did. This baby just… appeared, and I don’t know what to do with him.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Mama stated simply. “It’s enough to exist alongside him.”
“How? I’m the worst mother ever. I can’t feed him, I can’t care for him properly, and I don't love him. I’m failing in all the ways that matter.”
“He doesn’t know that,” Mama pointed out. “To him, you’re the best mom in the world. The only one he wants.”
