That statement wrecked me. I was slowly becoming captivated by the sight of his tiny nose, his soft lips and little cheeks.
He looked so much like Charlie. I didn’t see much resemblance of myself in Casey’s features. I struggled to believe I’d birthed him, but did he ever take after his father.
I couldn’t hold him anymore. I lifted him up to my mother. “He needs to go back.”
Mama took Casey from me without any protest, setting him back into the incubator. She stepped away, murmuring, “It’ll get easier as he grows.”
“And what if it doesn’t?”
“You can love him without feeling anything for him, Ava. The love of a parent doesn’t solve every problem. Sometimes, your head has to do what’s best when your heart can hardly bear it.”
She got the baby settled, then turned to me. I barely saw her— I was still staring at the baby trapped in the incubator.
My doing. What I’d done.
I looked up at my mom. “I want you guys to take the baby.”
Mama’s eyebrows narrowed in surprise. “Ava.”
“You guys are great parents. You raised three amazing kids out of four, and I was a dud from the beginning. It’s not your fault I turned out this way.”
“Ava—”
“It’s for the best. You can get a second chance and raise him to be better than me. It’ll be like fixing the mistake I became.” I left it at that, leaving the room and refusing to look back.
I didn’t know where to go, so I just wandered. I found myself by the fountain in the gardens, staring into the water and watching the fish swim in circles.
This fountain had provided such a magical moment. Charlie and I had fallen into it after our wedding and made love here, under the stars and the heavens. Oberi had said after he’d thrown us in that the time for us to have kids had arrived.
I guess fate had taken its course on that one.
What do I do? I didn’t have any answers, and a tear dropped into the water. The ripples spread, creating small waves.
“Look, Ava. I’m not going to let you do this.”
Kallie’s voice was blunt. My sorrow turned to annoyance as I yanked my chair around to face her. She must’ve overheard the conversation with my mom. She had a no-tolerance-for-bullshit look on her face, but I was planning on throwing all the BS I had at her that remained, and for fuck’s sake there was a lot of it. If she wanted to do this right now, she could help me shovel the shit, because I was done.
“Do what?” I was so tired of the judgement. People kept telling me this was my decision, so when were they going to let me make it?
“You don’t want to give up your baby. I’m your best friend. I know this isn’t what you want,” Kallie said, putting her hands on her hips. “You’re just overwhelmed. But you don’t have to be, because everyone’s here for you.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s what everyone says when someone has a baby, but does anyone ever follow through?” I challenged. “You guys just want me to stick with Charlie and be miserable so we can raise this baby together, and if that happens, he’s going to turn out more fucked up than either of his parents were. You really think me and him can raise a child together? Casey will be committing felonies by the time he’s five!”
“You don’t have to stay with Charlie,” Kallie insisted. “You can pick and choose what you want.”
“I can’t raise a baby with this many health complications by myself. I’m disabled as it is, so how can I handle Casey’s care and mine all on my own?” I demanded. “It would be better if his father wasn’t a lunatic, but unfortunately, both of us came straight out of the discount section at the loony bin! I’m surprised this kid isn’t hearing voices and plotting homicide!”
“Marcus was a preemie, and his parents went through this. Maybe you can ask them for advice,” Kallie offered.
“Kallie, there’s only one realistic option, and it’s to give this baby a family who isn’t completely insane,” I argued. “If my parents can’t take care of him, I want you and Marcus to raise him. You guys would be way better parents than Charlie and me.”
Kallie shook her head. “I’m not doing that. This is your baby. I’d take him if you didn’t want him, but that’s not the case. You’re not letting yourself have him. There’s a difference.”
I was fed up with people telling me what to do and how to feel. “Who are you to dictate what I do and don’t want? You’re not in my head! You can’t tell me where I’m at or how I truly feel, because you haven’t lived my life!”
“You need somebody to clap back and give you a reality check every now and then, and this is mine,” Kallie growled. “Friends don’t let each other get away with whatever they want. It’s time to wake up.”
“I’m still sleeping, so go away.” I tried to turn away from her, but she stomped in front of me and blocked my exit out of the gardens.
