I quickly relit the fire, until flames were crackling inside our new little home. Outside, the storm turned into a downpour. I was relieved to see that hardly any raindrops made it into our private little corner of the island.
I breathed a sigh of relief. We’d made it out of the rain just in time. Thank the ancestors Ava hadn’t gotten caught out in that rain. She could’ve gotten sick.
There wasn’t a lot of room in here, especially with the fire and Ava’s chair taking up a whole corner. Ava and I were closer— closer than we’d been in months, really.
“How are you doing?” Ava asked apprehensively, like she wasn’t sure where to start. “That looked like a lot of physical labor.”
I wiped the water from my brow, which was a mix of sweat and rain. “The physical labor doesn’t bother me. To be honest, it felt… really good.”
Neither of us said anything for several minutes, but I could feel something shifting between us, almost as if a piece of our bond was knitting itself back together. Not our magical bond, because there was no hope of ever restoring that, but our emotional connection seemed to hold less caution than before.
We’d set down roots when we decided to try working things out, but being here in her presence was like a seed we’d planted that had finally broken through the soil. We were growing into a tiny sapling witnessing its first beams of sunlight.
“What are you thinking?” Ava asked, breaking the silence.
“I’m thinking how nice this is,” I admitted. “Out here, away from palace duties and war threats, there are no distractions. We finally get to be alone together without all the bullshit holding us back. I’m not sure I ever want to leave this island.”
Ava snorted. “You’d better get me off this island, because I’m not living without indoor plumbing. I’m holding my pee all night, and if I get a kidney infection, it’s your fault.”
I smirked. “I’ll build you a toilet.”
“If you build me an outhouse, I’m swimming back to shore,” Ava threatened playfully. “I hate camping.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad. I could live off the land!”
“You say that because you’re a man.”
“I like being manly,” I told her. “Making fire and building this shelter was great. It feels like when I’m providing for you, I’m fulfilling my purpose.”
I heard the frown in her tone. “I never wanted to be your purpose. You know that.”
“You aren’t my only purpose,” I insisted. “But providing for you feels good. It feels like this is what the tribe would’ve done back before modern inventions— before our ancestors got their magic, even. You want to be a strong, independent woman, and I admire that so much about you. But I want to be here for you, too.”
Ava ran her hand over the leather journal beside her. “My parents said all relationships have duality to them, a masculine and feminine energy we all embody. Maybe I went wrong because I didn’t give you enough space to make me feel safe. I was too worried about protecting myself, and providing for my needs all on my own, because that’s what most women have to do in today’s world.”
“Your parents also said we all have masculine and feminine traits within us. Maybe we got it wrong. You have a lot of masculine traits, like being a great leader. What if you’re supposed to be the masculine one, and I’m the feminine one in our relationship, even though it’s opposite of our gender?”
“I don’t think so,” Ava mused. “I am a good leader, but I’m not convinced that’s a masculine trait.”
I furrowed my brow. “How so? Hasn’t it been the case for millennia that men rule as kings?”
Ava scoffed, like the idea of men ruling was comical to her. Can’t say she didn’t have a reason not to think that way. “I’m not saying men can’t be great rulers, but great rulers need a balance of masculine and feminine energy to reign effectively. You went too far into your masculine when you were trying to stage that coup, but in contrast, Cameron has leaned too far into his feminine. In this time of war when his people need him to fight for them, he wants to sit in the palace gardens sipping mimosas.”
Ava went on. “On the other hand, there are many great rulers who come from a place of nurturing and caring for their subjects, which I’d argue is a feminine trait. I think at their core, the best rulers are rooted in feminine energy, even in times when they have to engage the masculine to get things done. In the Hawkei tribe, women were the traditional leaders. Even when men served as chiefs, their wives had the important job of supporting and counseling them. Our matriarchal society worked well for hundreds of years, until women were pushed out of leadership roles and we took the masculine too far in the Hawkei Civil War.”
“My grandfather seemed to embody both traits. His energy must’ve been balanced,” I noted.
“It was. That’s what made Cassiel so great.” Ava dared to lean into me, her arm against mine, and it sent my world on fire. “It’s in my blood— and my nature— to be a leader, but I have to stay rooted in the feminine when making decisions, and I have to call upon the masculine to take action.”
I digested her words. “I suppose even in Elvish culture, the Holy Mother serves as a guide for the Emperor. It is the Emperor who delegates tasks, but ultimately, it’s the Holy Mother who is leading the Emperor behind the scenes.”
“It works out well to have both,” Ava agreed. “I think our problem is I’ve been playing a masculine role for so long, and it isn’t working for us. We share a masculine-feminine wound. We need to fix it and reach a state of equilibrium, both in ourselves, and in our relationship, before we can move forward. Neither of us can have too much of one or the other, because we need both to work in harmony.”
“What exactly is a masculine-feminine wound, and how does it show up in our relationship?” I asked. “You’ve been taught this stuff for years, so you know more about this than me.”
“I don’t think it’s just in our relationship,” Ava said. “I see it in our individual selves— wounds that were formed before either of us met. And because we’ve been hurt, we’re avoiding stepping into our natural roles, because we’re trying to protect ourselves from being hurt again. For me, so much has happened in my life that has made me feel like I have to take care of myself, because I struggle to believe that anyone else can. I’ve always been the kind of person who, if I wanted something done, I had to do it myself.”
My fingers wandered closer, daring to touch her skin, and she let me. “I’d say that describes you pretty accurately.”
