“But that’s not who I’m meant to be,” Ava continued. “It’s a survival skill I adopted, but my struggles have reached the point where I have to admit I can’t take care of myself all the time, and it’s not just because I’m disabled. I need help in other ways, too, because otherwise, I’m just dealing with one crisis after another without allowing my community to step in and support me. It’s not sustainable. I want to let you take care of me, but I have a hard time with that, because I’ve always had to be so strong. I want to enjoy the feminine aspects of myself, like listening to my intuition and being creative with music, but I can’t, because I’ve been so traumatized.”
Ava sighed. “When Monica died, I wasn’t strong enough to save her. So I learned that if I could be tougher, stronger, more brave, bad things wouldn’t happen. I still love to shop and do my makeup and all of that, but those are the simple parts of my femininity that I can hold on to without any danger being involved. There’s no risk to enjoying those things, because I won’t lose anything. Those deeper parts of femininity like allowing people to help me, forgiving others, and being gentle is difficult for me. I love unconditionally, but my love is harsh.”
“I don’t think that’s who you are deep down,” I said. “You keep people at a distance to protect yourself.”
“I know. But I’ve come to see that by doing so, I’ve only hurt myself.”
I nudged her. “You’re not the only one responsible for causing hurt. If you have a feminine wound, then I have a masculine one. The masculine is supposed to be the provider, right? I grew up unable to provide for myself, and I didn’t have any strong masculine role models. My grandpa was the best role model I ever had, but I didn’t have enough time with him, and we both know my dad isn’t a man worth looking up to. I don’t know if I ever learned how to react logically and think things through, because I always had to take each moment as it came. I didn’t have a future to plan ahead for, so I learned to react out of emotion. My decision to pull the coup was one out of feelings, not logic.”
“That’s true,” Ava said. “You think with your heart, and I think with my head. You’re too far into your feminine, and I’m stuck in my masculine. No matter how pissed off I am, I’m going to calculate my response so I can stick it to them. If it was me, I’d have done that coup right, because I’d have thought it out logically no matter how pissed off I was.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, you would’ve.”
“I don’t think one way is better than the other, but I don’t think we’ve been acting in ways that are authentic to us,” Ava added. “Maybe that’s why we both chose to incarnate here together, to learn the duality of these roles. Ancestors know it seems to be the theme of our lives.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you ever heard of twin flame mirroring?”
I shook my head. “No. What is it?”
“It’s this concept I’ve been looking into, because we’re minai— or twin flames. Or at least… we used to be.”
A pang cut through my lungs, and I managed to utter, “Even if we don’t have a soul bond anymore, maybe this still applies. I want to hear what you know.”
“Okay. Well…” Ava took a breath. “According to lore, when your soul incarnates in two separate beings at the same time, it’s because you’ve chosen to come to Earth to learn intense life lessons. Your twin flame becomes a mirror for you, reflecting back your deepest fears and insecurities so you can both learn and grow at a rapid pace. I think we could feel this mirroring in our soul long before we even met, like how your issues with food security showed up in my food anxiety years before you came to Kinpago. I’m wondering if this twin flame mirroring is what’s causing our masculine-feminine wound within the relationship, because obviously, it’s more than just an individual problem if we keep triggering each other and perpetuating the wounds.”
“That’s interesting,” I mused. “So how can we heal?”
“For starters, it gives us understanding on what we’re going through and what our job is moving forward,” Ava said. “We have these wounds because we’re supposed to gain a better understanding of these energies. But we can’t keep holding up the mirror to one another while doing nothing. We’ve exposed these wounds, and now we have to help each other find balance.”
“I think we know what our goal is going forward. I need to work on getting comfortable with my masculine side, and you need to embrace your feminine. The challenge is going to be putting that into practice and balancing it within the relationship. I don’t want to go too far to one side, because there are feminine aspects of myself I like, and masculine parts of you that work for us. Like caring for Casey. I let my feminine side come out around him because I like caring for and nurturing him.”
“But are you doing that because it’s your role, or because you’re trying to provide the emotional support Casey needs when I can’t step up and give that to him?” Ava wondered. There were no accusations in her tone, but there was an edge of heartbreak. No matter what she said about not wanting to be around him… that she wasn’t able to was bothering her.
I thought about it for a few moments, but felt conflicted. “I’m not sure. I love being there for him in every way I possibly can. I’ve never loved anyone more— apart from you, but that’s a different kind of love. I never thought I’d be a good dad because I didn’t have a good role model, but with Casey, I get a chance to be the man I never got in my life.”
“That’s great, but listen to what you’re saying,” Ava said gently. “You’re trying to heal your masculine wound through Casey.”
I was dumbstruck by her insight. I’d never thought of it that way. “If I’m doing that, how do I stop? I still want to take care of him.”
“I’m not saying it’s wrong,” Ava insisted. “I think it’s a wonderful thing that children can help you learn and grow, but you have to be aware of what’s going on so you don’t take it too far. You can become your own role model, but you can’t end up relying on Casey, because he won’t be able to heal what’s broken. I don’t want a baby to fix our marriage, because I don’t think that’s the right answer.”
I was appalled by the suggestion. “No, never. To put that weight on Casey’s shoulders would be wrong. He’s not a miracle cure, but I’d be lying if I said this kid didn’t give me hope. But that hope can only serve as a catalyst for what needs to be done— for the work we need to put in. We have to put that work in whether Casey’s around or not, or this is never going to work out. I’m not doing this because we had a baby. I’d have done this work with you regardless, because whether we have a kid together or not, I want you in my life. I don’t just want to be a good dad. I want to be a great husband.”
Ava nearly seemed like she couldn’t believe it. “I wasn’t sure until now. I thought… maybe you were doing this for him.”
“I’m doing this for us.”
She emitted a soft breath. “Oh.” The soft admission was the reassurance she’d been looking for, even if she wasn’t aware she needed it.
“I know this isn’t easy,” I whispered.
Ava nearly sounded choked up, though it wasn’t enough to let me in— she still wasn’t there yet. “Look at you— you’re so good at this gentleness. I wish I had more of that within me. Maybe if I did, I could be a better mother.”
“Ava, it’s not your fault.”
“But it feels like it is,” she admitted, and the slightest bit of vulnerability came through as she started to cry. “I just… I physically can’t, and it’s hard to know whether that’s just a state of postpartum, or if I truly can’t do it.”
