Hell, if anything broke me, it would be this conversation. “You can do anything you set your mind to, because you’re Ava. Nothing stops you, and nothing ever has. You just have to get out of your own way.”
“What if I can’t this time? What if I’m going to be a bad mom?”
Ancestors, she couldn’t say that. It tortured me to hear that come out of her mouth. I didn’t know if this was the right move, but I couldn’t let her say that to me without doing something to comfort her.
I put my arm around her, bringing her close and trusting that this was the right call.
“You could never be a bad mom, okay? It’s not in you, because you were never a bad wife.”
I could feel her heartbeat thrumming against mine as she whispered, “How do you know?”
“Because I know who you are, and that’s not you. You don’t trust in yourself enough, but even after everything we’ve been through, I know you. You want to learn how to trust me more? Trust me with this.”
Ava sniffled. “I feel like shit, because I called you a bad husband. That was a cruel thing to say to you.”
“It was, because you know what? You were right,” I insisted. “I haven’t been measuring up to everything I could be lately. You’re pushing me to be the best I can be. That’s what marriage is supposed to do. So don’t blame yourself for it.”
“If you’re pushing yourself to be the best, I should push myself to be a mom, too, even if it’s not what I want.” Her voice cracked as she wiped her nose.
“You can’t do that with a baby. You need more time, so give yourself some. I’ve got things handled until you’re ready to decide where to go from here. Casey’s fine. He’s not going anywhere. But his mom needs to get herself right first, and so does his dad. That’s the only way we’re going to figure things out.”
She hiccupped, and it nearly broke my heart all over again. “I guess.”
I pulled her closer. “What do you need from me?”
“I need you to keep trying,” she said. “That’s what helps the most. So I don’t feel like I’m doing this alone.”
“I will,” I promised. “I’m here for you always.”
Ava began to sob harder. Her shoulders shook with the intensity of the emotional release, and I began rocking her back and forth. I didn’t press, just rubbed her shoulder and encouraged her to let it all out.
After a few minutes, her sobs quieted. When she finally spoke again, her voice sounded stronger. “I feel like I’ve been holding that in forever. Crying is such a vulnerable, feminine trait, and I’ve resisted it for so long. It feels good to let it out.”
She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sat up straighter. “We know what I need from you, but what do you need from me?”
I didn’t have to think about it. The answer was immediate. “I need you to accept my help. You have to let me take care of you. It doesn’t have to be all the time, because I still want you to feel independent, but we have to get on the same page about what works for us, instead of you pushing me away until you can’t anymore.”
“I can work on letting you in,” Ava agreed. “But that’s still my problem. What can I do for you?”
I mused on it for a few moments. “I suppose I could use encouragement. Like when I was building that fire and you were telling me I was doing a good job, it really helped. I want to know what’s helping you, so I can keep doing more of it. I feel so lost if I don’t know what you need. I haven’t known, not for a long time. I just want to make you happy, Ava, and I want to make my son happy. If I can do that, I’ll figure out the rest.”
“Well, you’re putting forth the effort. That’s all I really wanted.”
“I don’t want to give up on what we are ever again, even if this really is over between us,” I admitted. “We’re not together yet. I know that. But I have enough hope that we might be able to build something new with the broken pieces we have. That’s all I want.”
Almost silently, Ava hushed, “Me, too.”
Warmth bloomed in my chest, and I drew away from Ava. Spirit magic glowed from the center of her heartspace, forming into an image in my mind as the magic transcended my physical body.
Ava grabbed my arms tightly as she went breathless. “Charlie, we’re glowing!”
I scrambled to find my tongue, swallowing hard. “I can see it. What’s going on?”
“It must be part of the spell my parents left us,” Ava remarked. She turned and began flipping through the journal. “It says we had to lay out our wounds and define our roles, and since we opened up and we’re on the same page, it must’ve triggered the magic.”
“Is the spell done, then, or what do we do?”
Ava read from the journal. “We still have to look into each other’s hearts to witness each other’s true intention. I think we have to…”
