I walked through the campsite, with the wind determined to push me over, and headed straight for the Brasserie.
The storm was picking up, and soon it would be raging, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t think about one thing before something else crashed into my head, pushing it away. Rue’s operation, the qualifier, Felix, Antoine. The electricity that appeared from nowhere when he was near me, how when he touched me every nerve ending buzzed with excitementand longing. And Felix. Perfect Felix. He’d been so kind, so understanding, despite what he was going through. And now I had to say goodbye. My hand moved reflexively to my mouth as tears fell. I shook the thought away. I loved spending time with him. I truly did. I kept my head down, thoughts twisting, fuming at the unfairness of it all, then feeling disgusted at my own selfishness. There was Rue, who had to go for an operation, and I was crying about some surf competition and a couple of boys?
I kicked a tree stump and it hurt. But I didn’t care. I deserved it.
‘Margot?’
I looked up and noticed I was just outside the Brasserie. I saw Felix standing in the rain, umbrella up, just staring at me.
And it just made me cry more. Seeing him standing there in the rain, his beautiful face full of concern. He rushed towards me, putting the umbrella over us both and pulling me into a hug with his other arm. And it almost made it worse, as I remembered the thoughts I’d been having about Antoine last night.
‘What are you doing out here? It is not safe. You should be inside.’ Felix led me inside the Brasserie where Yves was sitting down at one of the tables with a glass of beer.
‘Bonsoir,’ I choked out.
‘Bonsoir, Margot.La tempête, c’est mauvais, non?’ he said.
I glanced at Felix for the translation. ‘He said the storm is bad.’
‘Oui.’ I nodded and sat down at a table with Felix.
He took both my hands in his. ‘You are very wet,’ he said. ‘Why are you outside in the storm?’
And I couldn’t help it. I felt my face crease as I started to cry again.
‘Margot,non! What is wrong?’ Felix put his palm gently on my cheek and I leaned into it.
‘I have to leave France.’
‘What do you mean? Because you do not want to do the competition? You do not have to do it.’ Felix shook his head, like this was obvious.
I shook my head. ‘Rue. She is having an operation, and it got moved forward, so we need to go home.’
Felix leaned back in his chair. ‘Ah, I understand,’ he said sadly.
‘And I feel so guilty and selfish because I’m devastated. I should just be thinking about Rue. And of course she needs me. I’m a horrible person.’ I shook my head, barely able to get the thoughts straight.
‘Horrible? Margot, because of you I have been able to go to the beach again. And I have seen you with your sister. I wish I had been as nice to Gabriel.’ And the way he said it was like he wasn’t looking for sympathy, but that he really believed it. ‘This, it is not horrible. Unless horrible means something else in English.’ He raised his eyebrow, and I gave him the tiniest smile I could manage. Then I shook my head.
‘Felix, I …’ I what? Have been dreaming about your brother every night since I met him? Have used you and your endless kindness? ‘I should go. I can’t. I’m not who you think I am …’
I got up and started to walk away when I felt him grip my wrist. ‘Margot.’
And the pained look on his face made it impossible to pull away. So I didn’t. I sat down again and put my head in my hands. ‘Felix …’ And I just couldn’t get it out.
‘You do not owe me any explanation,’ he said, then he reached for my hands again and pulled them away from my face, holding them gently in his.
‘But I do, I –’
Felix shook his head. ‘Margot, we had our time together, and it was beautiful, but then it was clear to me that you belonged to someone else. Even if I did not want it to be true.’ He smiled sadly and I blinked back more tears.
‘It’s not like that. I don’t belong –’
‘You do. And it is OK. Like I said before, you light up when you look at him. You light up when you talk about him. And the light has become brighter this last week, has it not?’ Felix looked at me and I nodded, unable to lie to him any more.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ I whispered.
‘I know.’ He reached over and brushed a tear gently from my cheek. ‘So it is hard for me to be angry.’
