I can’t hold on or back any longer. I walk backward in this bedroom that has more space than I’ll ever need for just me. “I was never enough my whole life, but for one night, I felt like somebody because I was with Sosie Stansbury. Not because I gave a fuck about your last name or gave a shit about Manhattan society. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I worked catering.”
She stands next to the bed, barefoot and in a pretty dress that shines when it catches the light, staring at me like she knew this was always going to happen. “I don’t want to fight with you, Keats.”
“I don’t want to fight with you either, but I need to know why you didn’t fight for me.”
I tug at my hair, trying so hard not to attack her for the pain I’ve lived with for so long. Too long. But I can’t. “This has been years in the making. It’s now or never.”
“We could say the same for us.” Her voice is a mere whisp of its normal volume, but the words hit hard. “Are we willing to take that risk?”
It is a risk. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to feel so empty inside anymore, either. “I guess I’ve kept this bottled up for too long to shove it back down and cork the top again.”
“Fine, let’s get it all out in the open. I can take it.”
“You’re not going to fucking take it. You’re going to fight back, Sosie. You’re going to tell me whatever it is that you need to say, so when we walk back out that door, the slate is clean.”
“Is it?” She takes a few steps, but there’s hesitancy built into them. “Can it ever be?”
“Yes, because I need it to be. I need to know that this wasn’t all in my fucking head.”
Her silence has my mind filling in the blanks of what she’s thinking when all I want to hear is her saying it. She finally raises her chin and looks me in the eyes. “It wasn’t in your head. It was in our hearts. We both felt it.”
“Then what happened?” If we don’t get everything off our chests, I’m afraid we’ll live with too many regrets to fix. She sits on the edge of the bed, looking so small in the center of that huge mattress. With her gaze on mine, I say, “Please tell me because I’ve run through a million scenarios of why you walked away after the night we had. None of them were kind to me, and I’ve had to live with that for six years. Please put me out of my misery and tell me what I did wrong.”
“It wasn’t you.” I catch the chin wobble and the glassiness of her eyes when she replies, “I can handle Gregory or ignore myparents’ rules without a second thought. Those don’t affect me, Keats.” I lose her gaze to the floor. “I don’t want to cry.”
My heart is held in the palm of her hands. I just don’t think she realizes how she affects me yet. Her pain is mine. I feel it when she’s with me and removes the mask she wears too often for everyone else. “It’s okay.” I go to her and kneel in front of her. “You have to be strong with them. You don’t have to be with me. You can cry if you need to.”
“I’m sorry for hurting you. Just know that I had no choice because I would never willingly cause you pain.”
“But you did. You ghosted me. You were nowhere to be found as I stood at that gate, then under your window, realizing I had just lost the best thing in my life. A goodbye would have been the minimum, but an explanation is long overdue.”
She reaches out to caress my cheek. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me why you’re giving back rings and wearing my coat. You’re crying over my deal being announced and looking at me right now like you’re afraid to lose me.”
“I am, because this time I know the devastation that accompanies the loss.”
I get up when it becomes too hard on me to hold her gaze and hide the accusations I’ve been dancing around to spare her feelings. I move to the chair by the window, sitting forward with the energy to straighten my back. “That night meant everything to me. You claim it was a loss, but I’ve been stuck in the purgatory where you abandoned me ever since. Why? Please tell me.”
She grips her hands together as she seems to be hoping for the best by the way the plea infiltrates her expression, shaping it by anchoring her brows at the ends. “It was the best night of my life. That’s why I’m here to see if it can be recaptured.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I exhale. Everything she says is right, and I agree. Deep down, I know I dragged her here for a reason. Selfishly like her, I hoped for the best. That doesn’t fix what she did to me. “You left me, Sosie.” The words don’t sound right, but still manage to drag shame and defeat to the surface.
“Not by choice. I swear to you.”
“Does it matter what you would have done? I would have taken the risk of losing everything I had worked for if you wanted me to. I would have done it because I was invincible for the first time in my life with you.” I stand, unable to remain in one place and pace the room. “You made me see myself as a new person, as someone who mattered . . . and then treated me like none of it did, like I didn’t matter to you.”
“You mattered, Keats. You mattered to me so much?—”
“I bought this apartment to prove to the world that I was worthy.” I hate that I lost control of my voice by raising it. “I wasn’t enough for you to stay, to lower yourself to date the poor guy, a fucking server surviving off tips and scholarships.”
Rushing to me, she grabs my arm until I’m looking her in the eyes. “I never saw you like that. Everything we had together was genuine.” Tears slide slowly down her cheeks. “Please believe me.” Her shoulders wrack with the emotion she can’t hold back any longer. “He knew the only way he could hurt me was by threatening you.”
“Who?”
“My father.”
I turn to face her, peeling her fingers from my forearm to hold her hands. My mind is reeling as I process what she claimed. The breakthrough lands, calming my tumultuous insides. “What did he say to you?” It’s the first time I’ve seen fear in her eyes. I cup her cheeks and bend down to eye level. “It’s okay.” Her breathing jags as if she might be having a panic attack. I bring her into the fold of my arms, holding her againstmy chest. Stroking the back of her head, I whisper, “You’re safe with me. Always.”
