‘A gin and tonic,’ Ollie says.
‘Hi.’
‘Hello.’ Ollie finally looks at me, shadows under his eyes. He’s broken out with a red pimple on his chin, too. ‘Once I get my drink, shall we go to one of the booths?’
‘Preferably the one over there,’ I say pointing to one in a corner very far away from the smoking lady.
His drink arrives; he pays, and leads me to the booth. Was this a power move of his? His fashionable coat, without a crease on it, reinforces his class over mine. Past me would have compared my own clothes to his, but I can’t go there right now.
‘So,’ we both say, and both pause.
‘You go first,’ he says.
‘Oh.’ I don’t want to. I want to see what he has to say. ‘Um. You wanted to talk?’
‘Is that it?’ It isn’t rude. He looks at me with a blank expression.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I admit. ‘What can I say?’
Ollie crosses his arms. ‘How have you been?’
I stare at him, trying to read his expression. What did I ever see in him? ‘I’ve had time to think.’
‘About what?’
I sip my drink, playing for time. ‘About us. Ollie, I’m sorry I ever came here. I’m sorry I thought that I could win you back, like I’m some child. I’m sorry I ignored your feelings, and Alec’s, and only considered my own. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.’
Ollie’s mouth is downturned. I think he might cry as he takes a breath.
Finally, he holds up a steady hand, looking at me dead centre. ‘Will, you don’t need to apologise. I’m the one who needs to apologise. I’ve treated you wrong. I thought we could act like nothing ever happened. I thought Alec need never know. I made you feel like you were wrong, and you weren’t. I don’t know what happened between us, Will. I don’t.’
‘Neither do I.’
He nods, slow, thoughtful.
‘Did you mean it?’ I ask. He looks at me, his lips parted. ‘You said you never loved me.’
He flinches, sighing. ‘I’m such a dick.’
‘Did you ever love me?’
‘Did you loveme?’
‘With my whole heart,’ I say. ‘Once.’
‘I did love you, Will,’ Ollie finally says, and I stare at the table. ‘But I don’t anymore.’
My nod is broken, slow. ‘No, and that’s okay,’ I say, finally knowing that I mean it.
‘I’m sorry I said I never loved you,’ he says. ‘I was just trying to?—’
‘I don’t need to hear it. You had your reasons in that moment.’ I look at him. ‘We want to hurt each other, and I don’t know why.’
‘Perhaps we bring out the worst in each other.’
‘Perhaps we do,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry that Alec had to find out that way, too. About what we were.’
I emphasise the past, to let him know that I know that’s exactly what it is. His eyebrows rise.
