“Oh God, no. Well. What do you want?”
“I want you and me and some rings, and then I want to go home and fuck you.”
“Sounds like the best wedding ever.”
“Not going to happen, though, because apparently we need to have dinner after and flowers and we need…suits.”
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Your mum mentioned… guests. I don’t want any guests. I don’t want to invite people I don’t like to come and sit and make fun of me. Is that okay?”
“Not even… Huw? Simon? You’ve known them the longest, right?”
“Haven’t heard from them since. You would think… I don’t know. I don’t think it matters. I want to feel safe, and happy and I don’t need…”
“Fox, what about your family? You’ve never mentioned them, and I just realised I’ve never asked. I’m so sorry, I feel awful.”
“Nothing to feel sorry about. I don’t tend to… It’s…complicated.”
“Why?”
“It’s, like.” I didn’t want to talk about this. Not now. Not ever. Because it hurts and it was stupid and I just…
“I don’t have any contact. My choice. It’s just…you know?”
“It’s like Bailey said.” His voice was soft. And once again, I wanted to just wail into the phone. “Sometimes we just have to say enough. And choose who we have in our lives.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, grateful he got me. He did. Every bloody time. It was almost like he could read my mind.
“Bailey… Fuck, Noah. He’s me. Totally different story, but he’s me. And I’m starting to panic here because I realise I have to… That somehow? I feel obliged to do this. Take him in and nurture him and raise him and make sure nobody gets to feel like I did. I hated this school. Absolutely hated it. I was lonely and scared, and I was weak, and some of the other kids took advantage of that. Bullying was rife, and I was that kid who hid in the kitchens. Mrs Cook always looked after me. The housemaster was kind. But I needed more. I needed support and I needed a family, and I have spent my whole life trying to find exactly that. And now finally I have you, and I have this kid who says he needs me, but my track record in things like this is not the best, and I’m scared, Noah. I’m fucking scared.”
“I love you,” he said. And all I could do was say it back.
Chapter 25
Noah
His words kept ringing in my ears, like a reel on repeat. He was scared. He was fucking scared, and what we were attempting was truly rushed and irresponsible, and here I was again sat down with the practice manager who was speaking words I wasn’t taking in. They had…what?
“We have Dr Rajan available from tomorrow, you’ll remember him; he’s worked here before and has recently returned from an assignment abroad. What date are you thinking of leaving us?”
Leaving? Yes, I was. Probably. Definitely. My skin felt like it was crawling just sitting here, feeling like I was completely out of place. I didn’t belong here anymore. I belonged somewhere else, and I couldn’t even make senseof all of that in my head. In a way, I felt like I was being sacked. Kicked out head first, when I was the one who had requested to leave. Six months. Somehow I already knew I wouldn’t be coming back.
“I can leave anytime. When are you… Tomorrow, you said?”
“Dr Rajan is very experienced and knows his way around the practice. He will slot in. If you could email him with any handovers you deem necessary, he will pick up your clinics.”
“Ahh.” I scratched my beard. A full one since I’d been too frazzled to look after myself. These days? I lived for the evenings when I got to speak to Fox, and it wasn’t enough. Nothing was nearly enough, and my leg was bouncing nervously. “I can leave now then?” At ten in the morning? Apparently so.
“We have two paramedics and a trainee in today, so one of them can take your room. It would be helpful.”
We were never overstaffed. Ever. It was almost like he’d planned this, looking slightly too overenthusiastic to see the back of me. The feeling was entirely mutual, I realised, as I stood up and shook his hand. Said words as if on automatic. Polite. Stern. Agreeable.
I wasn’t popular. I was unsociable and difficult at times and set in my ways. I liked to run my clinics the way I ran them. I liked my office the way it was, and now I was doing…this?
A long overdue change of scenery, where I was finally.
