Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Was I really doing this? Apparently so, as I exited the room, swung past the reception to do something I’d already forgotten. My heel turn in the middle of the room was a spectacle in itself, spinning around and heading back to my office, getting evil stares from both our receptionist and the lost souls in the waiting room. None of them would see me today, and where Inormally would have muttered out some excuse to my attentive audience? Today I kept my head down and let the door slam shut behind me.
My room. Nothing personal here, every drawer marked with its contents. Clean and sterile. My chair locked in the correct setting.
Perhaps this had been my life so far. Maybe it had been good. And now? Now it wasn’t because just standing here made me feel nervous, and I was sweating and I just wanted to do what I always did.
I wanted to run. Run away from my goddamn boring life, and I wanted a new, ready-made paradise in a Scottish castle, complete with a man called Fox. I laughed out loud. Yes. I was going mad. Totally mad.
The drive back to my house didn’t even feel familiar anymore, and where I had previously packed a few belongings into boxes, thinking I was getting myself prepared and organised? Now I picked them up and threw them in the car. Emptied my wardrobe into a bin liner and shoved the meagre contents of my drawers into another.
Kitchen? A few of my favourite mugs. The saucepan that held just the right amount of pasta for one. I chucked it in the box I’d put on the table. The one I’d marked for the tip.
Furniture? Dad would sort it. Get it shipped or stored or…
What was I doing? On a goddamn whim?
Still, I was doing it, and my energy seemed to know no bounds. Because Fox needed me and I knew full well the more honest truth was that I needed him. I needed to feel the way I felt when he was with me and I needed to make him smile, and I was tired of the peace and quiet. Of the sterile room and the house that wasn’t a home.
I was tired. Yet I was full of enthusiasm as I went through my boxes and piles of paperwork and grabbed the important documents, charges and leads. My laptop. A few books. Certificates and diplomas and…
My car was full, stacked to the brim as I picked up a vase. One Mum and Dad had once given me and I’d kept hidden in a cupboard. It had been too overwhelming on my small windowsill, but it would look fantastic in Fox’s bay window.
I hoped he wouldn’t mind, when I knew he wouldn’t. It would make him smile. Like I made him smile. The warmth in my stomach felt like a brewing volcano as I locked up the house and got in the car, waving cheerily at my neighbour in the window. She’d wonder where I’d gone, but it didn’t matter. This wasn’t my life anymore, and none of this was important.
It wasn’t like Mum and Dad came down to see me here, in a shoebox with no soul. Instead, I drove up to their house and got out, like I’d done weekly for years. I was suddenly feeling a million years old. At the same time, I was twelve again, carrying a massive secret that I thought might destroy me.
It hadn’t. Instead, it had given me peace. And once again, I would have peace.
“Darling,” Mum said, popping her head out the front door. “Oh!”
“I know,” I said. “Career break starts now.”
“That’s sudden.”
“Not really. It’s… It’s all good, Mum. I’m ready to go and I really… Mum, be happy for me!”
The tears were unexpected. But also not. This was all overwhelming.
“I’m not sad, darling. I’m thrilled. You’re finally doing something for yourself and getting out of that rut of yours. Adventure awaits, and anyway.” She fished a tissue out of her pocket and dabbed her face. Then dabbed mine. Fuck. I hadn’t expected to be crying like this, but here I was sobbing like a baby.
“Sorry,” I snorted out.
“Oh, don’t be. We’re coming up in two weeks, remember? Seeing the Lochs and all that? Spending some time with Fox and now yourself too, and we’re so excited to see the school, and of course. It looks very scenic online.”
“Yes.” I had no words.
“Dinners here will be lonely without you popping around in the week.”
“Scotland is beautiful. I’m sure they have great retirement villages.” I tried to smile. She laughed out loud.
“Dad’s been looking at one that has its own golf course.”
“What?”
“You know us. Suddenly, there will be grandchildren, and what are we going to do down here moping around? We’ll give it six months, and then we’ll put the house on the market. Perhaps go on a cruise and end up somewhere nice. Aunt Tara gave us some suggestions.”
