When she shakes her head and looks away, I know she’s denying it because she’s stuck in some psychological feedback loop, where she doesn’t want to believe she’s capable of helping because she’s spent so long being unable to.
I lift her chin with a finger until she meets my gaze. I want to be sure she knows I’m serious. “Take this chance, Esthi. It feels like chaos to us, too. But we’ll get through it together. Just like you said.”
“Or we’ll die together. That seems more likely.”
“But we do ittogether. We’re all scared.”
“Even Karambit and Mace?”
“Definitely them. Most humans believe we don’t have feelings, but we do. Yours are biochemical patterns in your brain. Ours just manifest with programming and electrochemical processes.”
“What are you feeling right now?”
I brace my hands on her hips and do my best to shrug off the desire to be dirty. I don’t think that’s what Esthi needs right now, even if having her against me drives me crazy with a burning desire to have her shieldmefrom the universe with her tender heat.
“My Brothers are free because of you. You’ve done what I could not. You protected them from experiencing the Black Death permanently. Therewerefifty of us. Every squadron had twelve squads, a commander, and an XO, an executive officer who functioned as the second in command. But Haven’s detonation took six of us before Ellipsis’ gravity took hold. If I would have had my shield, we’d all be here. Without you, none of us would be in this den.”
“But you saved the BlazeStar that’s protecting hundreds again.”
She has a point, but I still can’t seem to shake the burden of my broken parts and run a finger over my dark shield badge.
Esthi gets up and takes a closer look. Her warm breath falls over my synthflesh in tantalizing feathers. Her fingers scour my chest, my abs, my back, all while she studies me like she’s looking for a port.
Someone bangs on a wing, sending a thumping noise into our corner. “You two done in there? We need to talk.”
Esthi returns to my front. “I can fix this, but I need a chance to open you up.”
I want my shield back more than anything. “Okay. But I need to speak with Atox first.”
“Sure.” Esthi sits back on her boulder.
I hate that she looks so sad. I think working keeps her mind off of other things. She needs something else to think about.
Lifting her chin with a finger, I summon her attention. “You don’t know how much your actions mean to me. I need you with me. Can you hold on for me?”
Esthi draws in a deep breath. “You’re the best thing I’ve had in my life in a long time. I’m just transitioning out of my experience area and into new territory.”
“You and me both.” I kiss her deeply, exploring her velvety tongue and desperately trying to memorize the taste of her. There’s no telling how the escape from Ellipsis will go. But I’m going to do everything I can to hold onto her forever.
