Finally, Araxis fluted out a hard, sharp breath, a whine of distress catching in his throat."In the old stories, a virra can only be tamed by one with the will to control them, who must be sinnenthi.The virra yields and offers the sinnenthi control."
"Control of what?"My heart stuttered.Hadn't I felt something when I'd yielded?Like something unlocking, something soft and easy?What if itwastrue?And if it was, if he hadknownthat when he'd sought me out, when he'd courted me and fucked me, if he hadknownthat something else was happening –
"Of everything," Araxis said, hoarse."A virra gives up control and in exchange lives in perfect contentment; the sinnenthi is charged with stewarding the virra to their highest form.This is astory, Sashen, it is not true.It is not what I believe; it is not what nearly any abayabelieve.There is no truth to it.It is only upsetting, and that is why we must begin the judicial review tomorrow: because the claim is inflammatory, and unless it is quashed immediately, it could cause incredible damage to the economic ties between the empire and the rest of Primus.Many abaya would refuse to cooperate at all with CPEF if they do not address this immediately.If they do not make a quick decision, if they show such disregard for our culture, the abayan empire may withdraw from Primus entirely.It would be devastating."
I pushed my cup away, sliding it across the glossy surface of the table, and rubbed my hands on my forehead.That sounded an awful lot like Araxis was expected toshepherdme to a righteous form.Had I agreed to that?I fought hard against the rage tightening inside of my chest and instead took a deep breath.I needed to be calm.I needed to understand.
If this was insulting enough that the abayan empire mightwithdrawfrom Primus entirely, didn't that suggest that they thought it might be true?Why would you get so insulted over a myth?
"Alright," I said slowly."Okay, I understand it's not real.And I guess if itwas, CPEF would find out and shit would really go sideways."
"It isnot," Araxis said, tone sharp, sharper than he'd ever been with me, and I actually flinched.When he saw, he softened the rest, looking away."Our scientists refuted the claim more than a century ago.I find it repulsive, in truth.I would never wish to strip someone of their ability to choose."
Something inside me, that I'd been holding so tightly under control, that I'd been white-knuckling into submission, gave way with a soft, internal snap.
That was fucking rich.That wasrich.And suddenly, I couldn't hold it back.I thought I had maybe a little tact; I thought I might approach this carefully, gaining information bit by bit until I had a more complete picture.At least I might save this conversation until we were done with CPEF, since that was now looming like an awful spectre above us and my life still presumably hung in the balance, but honestly.Who was he fucking kidding?
I planted both of my hands on the table to stop myself from throwing something, and when I spoke, it was in a low voice that sounded almost dangerous, eventomy own pounding eardrums."Araxis, we know that's not true."
He blinked his big black eyes at me and had the gall to look confused.
I met his blank look, my heart in my throat."I just can't help but wonder if you were ever going to tell me."
"Tell you what?"he asked, voice suddenly quiet.
"Why was Creche Athal waiting to pick me up?You couldn't have contacted them from inside the complex, and we didn't plan that I was going to declare for you.We would have talked about it, and that would have changed our plan."Maybe if I gave him a chance to tell me something even close to the truth, he'd pull through, and we might have something we could work with.I hoped, furiously and desperately, that he'd justtellme.That he would invite me in.
I had declared; he had accepted.Surely, if there was ever a time for honesty…
I saw him swallow, watched the shift in his throat.And then he said, "I am sure Vivith saw our conversation after you were hurt.They must have anticipated –"
My hands curled into fists, reflexive, and I suddenly couldn't sit any longer.I pushed myself up and moved around the counter and into the kitchen, my chest rising and falling hard like I'd just been running laps of the track in the village.It was probably better if there was a solid bank of cupboards between us; I didn't trust myself, not when I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a great precipice with only the barest grip on my own temper."You know, I play stupid a lot.It's something I learned in the den, and it works to get me what I need.But I'mnotstupid, and I never thought that you would actually believe that I'm an idiot, Araxis."
"Sashen –"
"I've been hoping againstfuckinghope," I snarled, fist slamming into the counter top hard enough that spikes of pain flaredup in my wrist, "that I'd somehow gotten the wrong end of this.So you tell me where I'm wrong, but I swear, if you lie to me again, I'm done.So listen and behonest, if you possibly can be."
Araxis was matte white, all iridescent sheen gone from his skin.He was perfectly still, eyes empty black holes in his head, his lips parted just slightly.His handswereballed in his lap;his chestroseandfell, rapid.He said nothing, so I did it for him.
"You came looking for me, a virra to use in your little plan to restore your creche orwhatever.Sure, you might not have believed that there was somemythicalpower you'd have over me – but I still fit a role.A young sinnenthi prince who claims glory for his house and comes with a virra on his arm?Who wouldn't bepersuadedofCreche Thiel’s prowess?If you could get a virra to declare for youandwin theTournament, what a coup, right?That's what Zirric said, that getting me was acoup.And you needed that, so you didn't think about what you were doing to my life: you went to Alet Trident, she applied her leverage – sheletSeraphim's debt claim come through afteryearsof putting it off – and you made sure I had no other options.You were waiting to scoop me up.Yes,soconvenient that you were travelling in the same direction, right?Oh, how helpful when I needed aride."I shoved myself away from the counter, sucking in a deep breath to try and force the shakiness out of my words.
Still, Araxis said nothing.He was like a statue.
So onward I went."You pretended to not know I had entered the Tournament.You pretended to need lessons.I thought you were courting me, and maybe you were, but what you were really doing wasseducingme.I don't even know if you understand how fucked up that is: you played me like an absolute fool.Was it –" The realization hit me like a blow, and I almost laughed.God, maybe Iwasstupid."All that shit about neverfeelinglike that before, neverbeingwith anyone, I mean – somehow that worked for me, and then it made me feel responsible for you, and –"
"That wasn't a lie," Araxis said, his mouth barely moving."I did not lie about that."
"Well,goodfor you."I paced to one end of the counter, needing to burn some of the furious energy from my body."So you made sure I ended up in the Tournament, and you made sure that I depended on you.If you hadn't come looking for me, none of this would have happened.Did you know Seraphim had given up on filing the claim?Alet Trident let one through that wasfour years old.It'syourfault that I've been preparing myself to die rather than go back there.It'syourfault Grigor Spade came after me and I wasnearly fucking killed.All the bruises and cuts, all this pain –yourfault, Araxis!Oh, but thank godyouwere there to save me and pull me closer, to save the day every single time.Sokindof you, every time you promised to fix the problem thatyou fucking created!" The words came out hoarse, almost a yell, and I had to turn away and smother down a sob.But I swallowed it down and I shoved it away, and when I turned to look at him again, I blinked away the tears burning in my eyes."You told them you were going to have a human virra months ago.Months.Because I was a thing to you.A tool.And if you'd invited me in, if you'd talked to me, we could have been a team.We could have –"
He looked down, a sudden jerk of his chin, and I realized distantly that silvery tears had started to drip down his cheeks, pattering on to his lap.
Good.Heshouldcry.
I forced my breathing to even out, so that when I spoke again, my words were lower, steadier."I think what hurts the most is that I did actually fall in love with you.And if you'd told me earlier, we could have figured it out and I could have loved you in a real way.But I don't know how to love someone who thinks I'm an object to use."
"I don't –" Araxis started, voice thick with misery.
"Oh,fuck off," I hissed."I don't want to hear it.You might think you don't, but you've treated me like one, and maybe it's some fucked up part of your culture you aren't even aware of: you're sinnenthi and I'm virra.How could I ever know what's best for me?How could Ioffer anything of real value when that'syourrole.Wouldn't any sinnenthi want to, what,stewardan undeclared virra?You've treated me like a piece in your plan to move and use as you wanted.You cut me out every time you should have invited me in.You decided what was best without ever thinking you could trust me in a real way.I would havehelpedif you'd just told me.Of course I would have helped."I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand, sucking in a hard breath.I glared out the windows in the side of the dining room, out into the dark of space beyond.The room was absolutely silent; I couldn't even hear the air filtration system rumbling in the ceiling.All I could hear was the thrumming of my own pulse against my eardrums.All I could feel was the hurt still bright as a supernova, blazing through every part of me.
