"And now I've declared for you, and that's it.I'myours," I said, voice hoarse around the words that had once felt so good.I turned to look back at Araxis, his head still tilted down,his shoulderstrembling.Not so composed now, was he?"And the moment that I'm notyours, I lose everything.If I left Creche Thiel tomorrow, that claim against me would stand and I'd be whisked back to Seraphim and to everything I've been terrified of.Which I'd never allow; I wouldnever.Do you realize that you've set me up to have to choose between staying with you, beingboundto you, and killing myself?That's where you've left me, Araxis.And it's because you thought I would be an effective political manoeuvre."
That got his attention.At once, Araxis surged up, staring at me wild-eyed, his face as white as bone."Sashen," he pleaded, moving forward on stiff legs to round the corner, reaching toward me."Beloved,no, you cannot think –"
"Yeah, it would be awfully inconvenient if I offed myself, wouldn't it."I jerkedback as he approached."Well, lucky for you, I've already realized that if I did anything, it would jeopardize thecreche, and then the kids would be in danger.So well done, that part of the plan worked too.'Oh, humanslovechildren.'I'm sure you and Vivith are very pleased with how everything has worked out."
"I'msorry," Araxis cried, standing only an arm's length away, and the subvocal keen was so sharp that I winced, his pain visceral in mybody as well."You are right, Sashen – I have betrayed you.I should have told you.I should have – I wish – I amashamed–"
"Youshouldbe.I trusted you.Ilovedyou.I thought you cared, but you lied to me over and over, and somehow you've left me more alone than I've ever been in my life and –" The words tasted like blood in my mouth, and then I was crying in earnest, and all I needed was to escape.So I pushed my way past him, shoving his grasping hands off in fury, and I locked myself in the bathroom to sit on the floor and cry.I cried myself hoarse, my throat raw and tasting of salt and copper.I cried until I had nothing left but emptiness inside of me.
This didn't feel like power.
It didn't feel like status.
It didn't feel like freedom.
It felt like loneliness.Like agony.Like heartbreak really and truly meant that the aching muscle in my chest had broken, irreparable.And although I knew Araxis was just beyond the door, I didn't ever want to reach out for him again.
When I finally felt myself growing stiff and cold on the floor, and when the ship's lights had cycled through to late evening, I eased myself up and drifted from the room.The kitchen was empty, the teapot and two cups still sitting on the low table.I slipped silently into the living room, where I saw Araxis curled into a ball on the sofa in the dark, his back to me; so I passed through the room, silent as a ghost, and crawled into bed, half-heartedly pulling a blanket over me.
SomehowI fell into a dreamless sleep.An endless void.There was comfort in that at least.
Chapter 32 –Love and Loathing
I woke some time in the night as the bed shifted.I blinked blearily and could just make out Araxis's pale form sitting on the edge of the bed near my feet.His head was tipped forward, shoulders hunched.As I forced my eyes open, I saw his head tilt away so he was looking out the windows; he might have been watching me before.I wasn't sure.
"I do not know what to do," he said, voice raw."I cannot undo the damage I have done."
I stared at his shape in the dark, nothing more than a suggestion."No, you can't," I admitted, quiet.
"I hate what I have done."
I shifted, the sheets rustling around me, so that I could stare at the dark ceiling above.
Araxis continued, voice a low rasp."It was not wearing the crown that made me feel like a victor, Sashen.It was when you told me you were proud.But you alreadyknew.You weren't proud.How could you be?I deserve – contempt.I know it."
I felt the impulse to offer comfort, but heshouldbe upset.What he’d done to mecounted.How often had I thought it before, that he was an important person and I wasn't?I'd just hoped that maybe I could be important to him.
Of course he'd chosen his creche over someone he didn't even know.But the least he could have done was to have the courtesy of telling me the truth when things got real.Or when he saw them getting real for me.I doubted they were ever real for him like they were for me.He could have given me a chance to be brave in my own right: I would have stepped up to help Creche Thiel.I'd have put my life on the line for those kids in a heartbeat.
But he didn't give me the chance to show him who I could be, the potential I had to be more than a dancer, more than virra, more than a feather in his cap as he made his grand return to Xitera.
"Iamproud of you," I admitted, chewing on the inside of my cheek."And I'm –I’mfurious."But the word didn’t taste like anger in my mouth; instead, it tasted of sorrow, like salt and ash and the particular bitterness of wanting more than you should ever have dared to dream of.
"Yes," said Araxis, hollow."As you should be.I understand."
"I would have helped you," I added."If you'd asked.If you'dtoldme."
"I know."
What else was there to say?I reached and ground the heels of my palms into my eyes so that light burst across my vision there in the dark.I exhaled."So what are we doing tomorrow?"I asked.
I heard the breath leave his mouth, weary."We will travel to the judiciary ship.There is an intake process during which they gather relevant documentation, and then we will be interviewed."
"And that's it?"
"Yes.That is it."
"And they'll find in our favour.Even with… everything."
