"I am more certain than I have been of anything before."Araxis shifted, just slightly, and I thought he might have been rubbing at his shoulder.Maybe it was sore."No matter how deplorable my actions, you are virra and you have not beencontrolled."It sounded like it hurt him when he said it.
"Okay."I rolled back to my side so that I was looking at the pale shape of his shoulder, his neck, his profile."And what then?"
"Then we will meet with our creche ship.Our petition should be formally accepted within the next few weeks.While we wait, we will travel to another station to have the ship repaired and retrofitted; Iwill meet with many other creches and begin laying the groundwork for our work in the Assembly.There is… much to do."
"And?"My voice was no louder than a breath.He had to know what I was really asking.
"We must decide what comes next for the two of us."Hisvoice tightened, pained."I would not keep you caged.I do not yet know a way out but we will find it.Iwill find it for you, Sashen, and I promise you on the name of Creche Thiel and the mantle that I have accepted from the long line of other heads of house before me, I will not make you choose between staying with me and… suicide.I will fix this.I do not expect you to forgive me, and I will not undertake this work so that you might be so inclined: I do it because what I have done is unjust and unkind and undeserving of you.I will do everything in my power to atone for what I have done."
It was more than I expected, and there, in the dark of the night with all the truths laid out between us, raw and bloodied, I wasn't sure that if someone held a knife to my throat and made me choose, that I would choose to walk away.I wasn't sure I wanted the tether between us to be cut.
I needed more time.Weneeded more time.
"Okay," I said."We'll talk about it.The two of us.Just – to be clear, Araxis.Idon'twant you to just go ahead and fix this.I wantusto talk about it.I wantusto figure it out.I don't want you to decide anythingforme, even if you think you're making… a noble decision or the right one or you're doing me a kindness.Fuck your kindness, I don't want it.Iwantto be your equal, not some charity case."
"I understand, Sashen," he said, there in the dark."You have my word.And… I have never thought of you as piteous.I have admired your strength and resilience, and your generoussoul.I should have realized that such a generoussoulwould –" He stopped, swallowinghard."That you would see something worth loving in me.I am sorry I failed to live up to the person you believed me to be.I would do anything to be someone you could be proud of – but I – I am not."He moved to stand.
I couldn't leave it like that.There was no way, and before I could think better of it, I blurted, "Wait, Araxis.Just – " He stilled, and my heart thudded against my sternum, unsteady."I'm – Fuck, I'm just – I'm terrified."And I didn'twantto say it, I hadn'tmeantto admit it, but that dim room and the quiet way we were speaking unlocked something in me.We weren't sitting against a wall, and he wasn't offering me tea, but I found myself making a confession nonetheless.I hadn't wanted to reach for him – but I seemed unable to help myself.
His face was little more than a pale shapeas he turned toward me in the dark."Why?"he asked.His hand went to reach for me, then dropped back to the blanket as he thought better of it.
"I know you're sure that everything is going to be fine with CPEF.But… what if they decide Iamresponsible for the damages after all?"The thought made my chest constrict, shards of ice filling my lungs."What if they try to send me back?What if –"
"Sashen."His hand moved to my chest, a comforting weight that settledright over my heart."I would find a way to you.I had your trust and I have lost it because of my own detestable actions.But I promise you, we will walk out of the judiciary ship together, and we will determine what happens next.Wewill chartourpath; I have heard you, beloved.I am yours, for… as long as you will have me.If that is only until the end of tomorrow, I understand entirely."
His subvocal whined again, sharp, and I heard him force it back, swallowing hard.I felt the tremor in his hand as it rested on my chest.And I believed him.
Ibelievehim.I don't know where we'll stand after this, but I do know we're going to talk about it.
Then, I let my own hand drift out from under the covers and I reached for him, touching his fingers with my own.He sucked in a sharp breath."Come to bed," I murmured."Stay with me tonight."
He moved gingerly, tentatively, and slid under the covers beside me, curving his body away from me, his back to mine.He held himself so carefully, his limbsshiveringfrom how tightly he was coiled, howdeliberate he was in giving me space.I sighed, rolled over, and tucked an arm around his waist.After a moment, the shaking of his body slowed, and then I felt him go soft and slack, and we both drifted to sleep, cradled in each other's warmth.
I woke up early, the lights dim in the living room beyond; they were faint enough to tell me I should probably still be sleeping.But I came to, still holding Araxis tight, and immediately rolled away to stare accusingly at the dark ceiling overhead.
It seemed like, even if my heart had mixed feelings about Araxis, my dick had its own thoughts on what constituted agood idea.
My cock was rigid and uncomfortable in the clothes I still hadn't shucked off, and I knew I'd been grinding against Araxis, unthinking.Stupid.Stupid.I reached down and shifted myself, just slightly, trying at least to make the current state of affairs a bit less obvious.
Whyhad I invited him into bed with me?
Because he was miserable and I was scared, and apparently I still felt better when Araxis was around.It was pathetic and I knew that, which somehow made it all worse.
Part of me wished I could unknow what I'd figured out.If I had never put the pieces together, or if I had ignored my suspicions and let Araxis continue to lie to me – he lied like he did everything else, prettily – I could have slipped into my new life like stepping into a warm bath.When I'd been on the creche ship, I had wanted to stay, even if I’dhad a hard time admitting it to myself; I'd wanted to fit in, to find my place, to make that ship a home.I'd wanted Araxis to keep me.I'd never been more heartbroken than when he had turned his back on me, pushing me away and –
Fuck, it was all complicated.And Araxis had only made it worse.
Next to me, he shifted under the blankets; the sheets smelled like him now, spice and warmth, and my cock twitched.
"Sashen."His voice was tentative, but not rough with sleep.I remembered that abaya needed a lot less sleep than humans.Iremembered the morning he'd woken me up and asked if he could touch me, when he'd clearly been up for ages, eagerand waiting.
How long had he been awake, my cock stiffening against his back, grinding slowly against the plush curve of his ass?
"Sorry," I said, trying to blink away that string of images.
The sheets rustled softly as he moved, the bed shifting under his small movements."Do you want to fuck me?"hemurmured, his head facing away from me.
The questionmadedesiretighten immediatelyin my belly.A tether gripped and pulled.My throatwasdry and I stayed perfectly still."I shouldn't."
