"So what changed?Because at some point, you decided that it made the most sense to ask me to declare for you –even though it fucked up whatever your back-up plan with Creche Athal was –without explainingto me what it meant, and then you wereawfulwhen I said no."I ran my tongue over my teeth, reminding myself not to clench.It was done; the lingering aftertaste of anger and hurt didn’t do me any good.
"I –" He swallowed, the movement visible in the pale column of his throat."I was foolish, Sashen.Andiri of Creche Ena – she said some terrible things, and I was headstrong and proud and told her that I would offer for you.And then, because I had said it on broadcast, I had to follow through.It was my pride that was hurt when you refused.Clearly my… ego has been at the root of much suffering.I see that."
I didn't say anything else,giving myself time to process.He'd always planned on my declaration, even though he'd faltered, unsure about whether it was the right thingfor me.And then he’d fucked that up too, forcing us into increasingly fraught situations because he wanted to take care of things without ever bringing me in.Itwas more or less what Valerie had said,and exactly what I’d worried about when we stepped foot onto the judiciary ship: that he’d continue to rush three steps ahead, clearing away problems without ever asking me whatIthought or whatIwanted.
Well-intentioned fumbling, under the guise of competence and control.
"Did everyone else know?"
He blinked, his head tilting, not understanding.
"On the creche ship," I explained,stomach tight."Did they all know that you’d –foundme, that you were...doing everything you were doing?"Because that added another layer: were my new creche-mates all aware that I’d been manipulated in this way?I wasn’t suremyego could take that.How could I live alongside an entire group of people who thought of me as such an easy mark?
Araxis shook his head."They knew I had learned of a human virra I intended to court.But it is only Vivith and I who know the entire scope of how I have harmed you."He swallowed, then, stare cutting away across the room to nothingness."Though perhaps they should know – certainly, my creche-mates would be rightfully ashamed of my conduct;they would not wish me to be head of Creche Thiel, though we have few other options.I will leave the choice to you."
"I’mnot telling them."I didn’t want anyone to hear this story, to realize how big of a fool I’d been, how desperate andhowgullible.But it was important to know, moving forward,stexactly where I stood with Creche Thiel and with other abaya– both for my own peace of mind and for what I expected would come next.
"So I’m declared for you," I said,further resolved in my plan."And as far as everyone is concerned –in Creche Thiel and in Xitera–it’s because I fell in love with you and you offered to bring me into the creche.Is that right?"
"Yes, Sashen.I offered for you; you declared for me.This is why you had status with Creche Athal, and why you will have status with any other creche.All abaya will understand that you are a treasure."
I didn’t particularly feel like a treasure; Iwas morelike a cheap and worn-out toy on its last legs.Then again, maybe that was what abaya liked.I needed to knowmore,soI fiddled with the crane on my knee, where its folded wings kept my thoughts and questions tuckedaway, safe."Now I want you to explain what it means to be a declared virra.What does itactuallymean?"
"It means that you have accepted a place in Creche Thiel," said Araxis, his voice low and quiet."You have declared yourself for me.You have accepted me as sinnenthi, as leader.You agree to defer to my judgment.This is not unique to virra – a cinelaat must petition their sinnenthi for the right to hatch eggs – but it is considered particularly… important for virra.You yield.You submit."
I'd known, walking into this room with my questions, that I wasn't going to like the answers he gave me.But as long as he gave them to me, thatwas what I needed.I'd already made the declaration, there on the sands; now I was just gathering information.Reminding myself of that made it possible for me to smother the surge of furyflaringbright inside of my chest.
I swallowed it back; I banked it to ember and ash.
"And what kinds of things do I need your judgment on?"
"You need my judgment on nothing."He looked up at me for a brief moment, the skin around his eyes tight."It is the expectation.It will not be howweconduct ourselves."
"So I can just do whatever I want."
"Yes," Araxis said, firm.I waited for him to add more, but he was silent, head bowed, shoulders tight.
Well, I'd bring things to a head then."So I could go out, dance in every club I find, go home with someone different every night.I could suck and fuck my way through the Assembly.I could never sleep in your bed.I could arrange my schedule so that I never saw you.I could live on the periphery of the creche forever and always."
I watched him carefully, so I saw it when he winced.Yeah, that was what I thought."Araxis, that'snotwhat I want, and that's not why you decided to undertake… all of this.I understand you're not going to insist that Isubmit, but everyone will expect me to.They'll expect me to be tamed, right?So what does thatlooklike – because if we're going to be equals, I want to be your equal in helping Creche Thielgain its power back.I want to be your equal in fucking over those gender essentialist, kid-killing dickbags in the Concord.And in order todothat, I need to know how we need to play this.We're good at convincing an audience, right?"
His dark gaze flicked upwards, meeting mine as he peered at me from behind his eyelashes.And while I still thought he looked pretty, I now knew that he was able to hide a lot behind that black stare."You want… to pretend?"When I nodded, he made a soft, surprised sound and then straightened, just a little."If you were… Hm.When a virra declares for a sinnenthi, tradition dictates that the virra is with the sinnenthi almost all of the time.They sleep together, eat together, go to meetings together.This can be the case as well with other declarations: Lauvis fought the Assembly at great length to assure that Zirric could be seated beside him during proceedings."
"Well, Zirric is practically virra anyway," I said, waving him on.Access to the Assembly, to private meetings, to anywhere and everywhere Araxis, head of Creche Thiel and exiled prince returning to power, was summoned.Thatcould be useful."So if we're pretending, I'll be with you all of the time.And how would a declared virra act,traditionally?"
Araxis tilted his head, studying me."Deferentially.Although Creche Thiel is not expected to behave traditionally; I made that clear during the interview with Yarix News."
"I mean, I candothat," I admitted."I've got a lot of experience pretending to be good-natured and docile.And what isyourrole, exactly, as my sinnenthi?"
His lilac tongue flicked out for a moment."A sinnenthi must act at all times to honour those in their care, those who place trust in their judgment.I am charged with assuring your… actualization.You said you would like to learn to speak abayan, to pilot, to cook.I would assure you had the opportunity to pursue all of these.If you are lonely, I am to help you make meaningful relationships.If you wish to touch a treeor stand in the rain– I must see that it happens.All that will bring you fulfillment is my responsibility to provide.I am to be available to you always, ready to see that your every need istended to.If I fail in this, another sinnenthi might offer for you.Virra are treasuredandcherished, and sinnenthi are charged with treating them as such."
I exhaled, still watching him."Alright, so I'm expected to submit and you're expected to take care of me in every way.But we're not doing that for real, even if we could… pretend, for political gain.So what does that meanfor us?"
Araxis shifted, just slightly.He nudged the cup, still full of dark human tea, to the side, leaning a little closer as he spoke."I take my duties as sinnenthi seriously: I do not expect you to seek my judgment in truth; I do not expect you to submit or yield; I do not want that, Sashen.I wish for us to be equals in every way.But Iwillaim to make your life good.I will –"
"No," I said, tone sharpening as a frown carved my face.Araxis jerked back, startled."I mean, it's nice you want to take care of things for me, but I want to be very clear: you aren't in charge of my happiness or my fulfillment.I'min charge of that.I don't want you anticipating my needs or desires and then acting to fulfill them before I can get there myself.I want you to trust that I will take care of myself, and that if I need your help with something, I'llask.Do you understand?"
The silence between usgrew tense, like a muscle straining under too much weight.Then, he fluted out a thin breath, slouching slightly."Yes, I understand," Araxis murmured, staring at his lap again."It… may take me some time to adjust.This is a very foreign way for me to approach – anything.But… I will try.I would try anything for you, Sashen."
