"I know," I said, and I did.Hearing him echo my own words back made something soften in me, just a little, and Araxis must have felt the shift as well, because he dared to look up at me, features pinched and washed out."But I think that could work for us.We can pretend for everyone else, butwe'llunderstand what's really going on.And if we play the part – I can pretend I'm deferential; you can pretend that you're in charge – we can get close enough to our enemies to stab them in the back."
I wanted to add,And you know all about backstabbing, don't you?, but I bit my tongue.I wasn't going to be a hothead, not this time.
"So you will come to the empire with Creche Thiel?With… me?"The way he said it, fragile and tentative and hopeful and broken, all at once, made my heart ache in my chest.
"I will.For now, at least."I steadied myself, rubbing my finger along the folded wing of my paper crane as I squared my shoulders."I want to draw up a contract for a set amount of time – I was thinking a year – during which time I'll play the role of virra to your sinnenthi.I'll help you in the Assembly; I'll do whatever I can to improve the standing of Creche Thiel and your own status.And then, after a year, we'll sit down and review where we stand.Oh, and I think it's fair that you pay me for my time."
Something flashed across Araxis's features, sudden and sharp."You – This is work?"
"For me, yes."
"I thought –" Araxis bit off the rest of the words, hard.His jaw looked so tight that I'd be surprised if he didn't taste blood in his mouth.
I knew what he would have said next anyway."Idolove you," I said, "andyou fucked me over.I said I'm going to take care of myself, and I am.When I was in the interviews, what stood out to me is how you always put your creche first, as you should.That's your role as sinnenthi, and you areexcellentat it.So I can't trust you to put me first, Araxis.I'm not upset about it; it's just reality."
"You arepartof Creche Thiel, Sashen."His eyes were big and liquid as he stared at me, insistent.
"Sure," I replied, "but I'm also me.I won't defer to you happily and willingly.Your culture isn't mine.You said in the interview with Yarix News that you know how hard it is for any virra to join a new creche – and this isn't something that I chose freely.You forced my hand.Youforced the matter."I remembered that from the interview too.Whether or not he'd intended to at that point in time, itwas still what he'd done, and I had to remember that.
The distressed subvocal hummed from his throat again as he watched me, miserable."You said… that you wished we might have had something.You wished we couldtry."On the last word, Araxis's voice broke a little, and he had to duck his head again, unable to meet my level gaze.
"I did, and now… I'm not saying that's off the table, but it's a lot, Araxis.This has all been really fucked up.So I don't know where we stand exactly.I don't know where we'll end up.But Idoknow that I want a contract, I want terms, and I want it all verified through contract law.I've checked, and we can use the judiciary.They'll make sure it's strictly confidential.It's their wholething, and after everything I've told Justiciar Tra Fell, if we can't trust them with a contract, we reallyarefucked."
For a long time, neither of us said anything.I reached out and picked up the crane I'd been working on again, going back to folding the square in sequence.The only sound between us was the slow rustling of paper, the sound of my nail on the creases.
Finally, Araxis said, "Very well.Did you have terms in mind?"
I tapped on my wristband and sent him the draft I'd put together the night before.I watched him scroll out of the corner of my eye, and he tapped only a few small changes, sending it back to me with his biosignature for my approval.I set my next crane aside and reviewed his modifications.
"You don't need to pay memore," I said, poking at the figure and decreasing the amount."And I don't need days off."
"They are important for well-being," Araxis insisted, deleting my revisions when I sent them back and increasing the stipend again.He also added in several additional obscure holidaysfrom religions I hadn’t even heard of.
I glared at him, changing the amount again and striking the holidays entirely from the contract."Don't fight me on this because you feel bad," I snapped."Be reasonable."
"I will notbe reasonableif that entails paying you too little and working you to the bone."
"You won't beworking me to the bone.You can't even imagine how hard I've worked every single dayfor the last decade!"
"Yes, I amaware, Sashen.That is why I want you to have days off, and enough credits so that you might walk away from me with the opportunity to do whatever it is you wish to do!You don't want to return to dancing.Allow me to compensate you in the slightest for all I have done to you."
"All –" I stopped, scowling at the latest contract that was hovering over my wrist."Fine," I said, stabbing my acceptance of the contract."I'm sure it brings you pleasure tocarefor me this way."
It was petty, throwing his words at him like that, words that had meant everything to me when he'd said them.Words that had made something tender and broken stir inside of me.
When I looked up, though, Araxis's features had softened."Yes," he murmured after a long moment."It does.I will care for you in whatever way youwillallow, Sashen.However you will have me, I am yours always."
I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat."About that," I said, sending Araxis a finalized copy of the contract before flicking it onward to Justiciar Tra Fell, who would file it appropriately in the judiciary ship's systems."I think… we should maybe take a break fromanyhaving, just for now.We're trying to figure all of this –" I gestured to the space between us, "out, and I don't think… being intimate is going to help us make level-headed and sensible decisions."
Araxis's eyelids fluttered, but he nodded."Yes, I understand," he said quietly."I suspect you are correct.You do understand that we will be expected to share a bed; we will be understood to be intimate.We may need to act the part in public."
"I understand," I said, feeling very much as if I was at war with myself.I wanted to hold him; I wanted to touch him; I wanted more than anything to press myself against him, to taste his skin and his mouth, to plunder his body and to have him mark mine.AndI wanted to push him back and keep him at a distance so that he couldn'tcontinue to hurt me.I wanted to be myself, toknowwho I was, to know I could stand on my own – and to do that, I needed to be a lot less tangled up in who Araxis was."And I'm not saying that it's forever.Just… for a bit."
"Hm, I have been celibate for almost the entirety of my life.I will not find this difficult.How will you fare, Sashen?"The way he said it, with the tiniest sliver of humour, made my heart patter with a rush of affection.I'dmissedhim.I wanted, then, to push myself to my knees and reach for him, to kiss his treacherous mouth and hold him close until he promised to never hurt me again.
But it didn't work like that, so I didn't do any of the things I imagined.
Instead, I rolled my eyes."I've got a good imagination and two hands.I think I'll manage."
