He looked at me through his eyelashes, chin tilted as he pressed one of the cups into my hands."Yes, Sashen, I am aware."
"And we're nearly to the Thenat cluster."As much as I wanted to pretend we weren't.
His mouth thinned a little."Yes, I have been charting our course.I understand how much time there is left before – Hm."He stopped, setting the cup down and instead picking up a pale wedge of fruit, nibbling on the very end.
I watched Araxis, there in the soft morning light, and my heart lurched against my ribs.There just wasn't enough time.But I had to be brave, so I put on an easy smile and nudged his leg with my foot from beneath the blankets."But we've had fun, right?We'rehavingfun."
He was quiet, picking away at the wedge of fruit and looking down at the tray between us.I tried to give him some more space to speak, taking a sip of the tea he'd brought, its floral steam taking me to some fuzzy sense-memory: one of the greenhouses, maybe, on Seraphim Station.The sound of trickling water.
Finally, Araxis looked at me, his black eyes wide as if he were taking in every inch of me, studying every rumpled curl, every messy edge.I felt suddenly very small under his scrutiny."Is that what this is?"he asked quietly."Fun?"
"Well, it's notunfun," I joked, and then I sighed, reaching and setting my cup down on the tray."There itis again, huh?"Fuck, could I not have a serious conversation without trying to joke my way through?I mean, time was running pretty short.
Then again, if you weren't laughing…
"I guess I just want us to be clear," I said after a long pause, during which the only sound was our own soft breathing and the gentle rumble of the engines somewhere on the ship."I'm not – I don't think I'm the relationship type.Stop me if I'm being presumptuous but… well.You know I've fucked a lot of people, Araxis, and it's never felt quite like this, and that'sgoodbut it's also… complicated?So, yeah, I just wanted to be sure we're on the same page."
His eyes narrowed, as if he'd spotted something interesting, and he turned his cup on the tray, a full rotation.His tongue flicked out, a quick flash of lilac against his pale lips."Have you never had a romantic relationship, then?You've not had a partner?"
I should have known he'd cut to the point, that the confidence that kept surprising me wasn't a mistake; it was his true nature.
Sinnenthi, I thought distantly.A leader, a protector.And entinn, who listens and understands, even the unsaid words, the implications.
"It's not for me," I said, and it tasted like a lie even as I kept my features carefully neutral.
"Hm."Araxis reached and took another slice of the tart fruit, taking a small bite and looking thoughtfully at the tray between us."Have you tried?"
What a question.I huffed, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes.My first impulse was to make up some bullshit about how, yes, I'd tried and no, it didn't work.But I didn't want to lie to him.I wanted to be honest, here in the last stretch of my life, and if I couldn't be honest with Araxis, if I couldn't be honest withmyself, what was even the point?So I let my hands drop down to the puddle of blankets in my lap."No," I admitted."It's not like I've had much opportunity.My life has pretty much been a scramble for ten years to keep ahead of the balance owing on my account at the den.And it'snot like it's easy tomeetpeople in my line of work – not anyone who actually gives a shit about me.I meet lots of people who want to fuck me.I'm pretty sure I have all of one friend.Two now, if we're counting you."
Araxis set down the fruit and shifted, moving a little closer.He reached and settled a hand on my thigh."I hope that you will count me," he said, certain.
Well, this had gone off the rails.My throat was tight and hot and I felt, all at once, like I might start blubbering, so I cleared my throat and looked across the room toward the doorway."And it's not like now is a great time," I added belatedly."You've got the whole Concord to deal with and your entire creche to save.I've got the – I have work, and it's not a job I can just duck out of.This one will make me or break me.So – yes, we're having fun.What elsecouldwe have?Besides, Araxis, I'm pretty fucked up, way more than you know.I'm barely able to take care of myself.There's no way I'd have the capacity to, I don't know, be a decent partner.I think I need to just look out for myself for awhile, and see where that takes me."
It felt true as I said it.And wasn't that what I was doing with the Tournament?I was taking care of myself in the best way I could.I was giving myself a shot, and if it didn't work out, I was making sure I was safe from Seraphim forever.
It might have been nice to be able tobesomeone for Araxis.It might have been nice to find a place on this ship.But I had to take care of myself, and I had to clean up my own fucking mess, before I could ever think about someone else's.That would have to come after.And since there wasn't going to be anafter…
When I looked back at Araxis, he was watching me, his black eyes bright with some emotion I couldn't interpret.His thumb moved gently over my leg, on top of the blankets."I understand," he said, sitting there in my hideous sweater and looking like an absolute dream, as if he were some perfect knight I'd hallucinated into reality."It is important for you to determine your own path.That has been denied to you for a very long time.Even in the den, you were beholden to the whims of others: to Alet Trident, who has dictatedmuch of the shape of your adult life, and to the clients.This is the first time you've been able to make your own way.Am I right?Do I understand you?"
He did, andit was as ifhe had somehow reached out and gently pried my ribs open and peered into the dark corners beneath my sternum where I liked to hide the things I didn't want to think about and I certainly didn't want anyone to see.But it didn't make me feel afraid, for Araxis to see them: for him to see my own jagged needs and selfish impulses.So I nodded, and reached for his hand, cradling it in my own."Ihaveto do this for myself," I said, and my voice was hoarse when I spoke, the sound a surprise to even my own ears.I swallowed and cleared my throat."And, you know, if things were different – I would have really liked to try with you."
I held his hand gently and looked into his eyes, and this didn't feel like letting Araxis down gently; it didn't feel like lettingmyselfdown gently.It felt like scraping my skin back and leaving myself as an open wound, wishing for things I could never have and certainly didn't deserve.
Thank god I'd be space dust soon.Space dust didn't have melodramatic feelings about would-be romances; space dust didn't get teary-eyed and mopey when instead it could have been rolling around under the covers with a hot alien.
I sniffed, looking away, and allowed myself to lean into all of my dumbest instincts when I said, "Although, I don't know, Araxis.It probably wouldn't have worked.I've met all ofthreeadults in your creche, and I'm pretty sure two of them hate me and then the other two are either entirely made-uporcan't stand to be anywhere remotely near me.Do you know how awkward that would make groups dinners?Gift exchanges during the brin lunar festival?Yikes."
He huffed a breath and offered me a short trill.I could tell he put it on, and we both knew, I was sure, exactly what I was doing.I was feeling something big and unnameable and dangerous, and so it was better to have a laugh, and Araxis – perfect, kind, generous – was indulging me.
"Honestly, though," I said, letting his hand go and swiping one finger along the lash line of my lower lid to deal with any mysterious moisture that had decided to gather there."Isthere a reason I've only met half of your creche?"
Araxis picked up the tray and took it over to the desk.He hovered there for a moment, looking out the window;I watchedhim forcibly adjust his demeanour, the line of his shoulders softening, the tension in his neck easing as he decided, then, to give me what I needed.When he turned back, he had a sharp little smile on his lips."Hm.You should not take it as a personal affront, Sashen – it is, I think, a bit funny."
I raised my eyebrows."Funny, huh?"God, I needed something funny.Anythingeven remotely silly would do.
He trilled, chin dipping as hesaton the edge of the bed again.I scooted over, and he settled into place beside me; as he sat, his sweater –mysweater – rucked up a little, exposing a delightfulswathofopalescent skinnear his waist."Evreni is quite concerned you will whisk her partners away.There was some discussion when you arrived."
I blinked at him, distracted by his pale skin undermysweater.Why did it make me all hot and bothered to see him wearing my ugly sweater?"I'm sorry,what?"
