I was sorry he'd had to see me like that.
He stood in the dark doorway to his room, his eyes black and endless, his skin washed out of its iridescence, bone white and flat.His hand rested on the door frame, his fingers tighteningagainst theunyieldingpolymer.For a moment, I thought he would send me away – he looked at me as though I were a ghost or a monster or perhaps just a massive fucking disappointment – but then Araxis stepped forward, closing the gap between us.One hand curled around the back of my neck, possessive and certain, the other grasping at my lower back so that he could draw me in fully againsthis body.He pressed his cheek against mine, firm; his chest expanded as he drew in a long, hard breath.
"I never wish to see you bleed again," he hissed against my ear, breath cool, and I shivered then in the too-bright lights of the hallway, my eyes fluttering shut.I drew in a deep breath of my own, and let myself get dizzy with the scent of him.
My throat was tight as I forced down the words I wanted to say, biting them back and swallowing them down.I didn't deserve to say words like that, and I certainly didn't deserve to hear them.I didn't even deserve his kindness.
I couldn't trust myself to say anything, so I was quiet.I just let Araxis hold me, and I allowed myself to be held, to lean against him there in the corridor on Thenat-6.
Finally, he shifted, slowly sliding his hands away from me, and I regretted the loss of his touch immediately."Come inside," he murmured.
I nodded, and then tipped my head forward and kissed him, soft and gentle, my hand drifting to touch his jaw.I stroked my thumb against his smooth skin, and when I leaned back, his eyes were wide and bright."Thank you for saving me," I murmured, "and Iamsorry."Then, with a curling smile, I added, "I'm sure you've missed me very much.Who have you been practicing with, Neern?Youarepretty good at slicing and dicing."
He tried to trill in amusement, but the sound seemed to get stuck in his throat, so Araxis just inclined his head and stepped back into his dim room.I trailed behind, nudging the door shut.
"Sit," he said in his usual way, gesturing toward a sofa with a low back.So I sat and I watched as he disappeared into a room beyond – I couldn't help but notice that, while the layout of this primary room was similar to mine, he appeared to have additional spaces; I guess space princes got everything after all, and sexy dancers didn't – before he emerged with, predictably, a tray with a teapot and two cups.
I looked away in a sudden and uncharacteristic fit of shyness."You're always so good at taking care of me."I hoped he heard in my voice that I said if forhim, not for the cameras.That I meant it, deep in my core.
"I wish that were so."Araxis settled next to me, carefully pouring a cup of tea: green and smelling bright and sharp."I should have stopped Spade earlier.It was my mistake –"
"Don't," I said, reaching to take the cup from his hands."Anyone else would have let him just murder me.One less person to worry about in the arena, right?Or two, I guess.Araxis, I know – I know that you saved my life.I –" Real emotion caught in my throat, and I had to stare daggers at the tea to try and stop my eyes from stinging."No one's ever really put themselves out there for me.Ever."
As I said it, I realized it was true.Alet Trident hadn't immediately turned me back to Seraphim when I'd been a teenage stowaway, sure, but that was because she saw a way she could make a profit from me.As soon as the debt came in, she'd turned the other way.Who else had there been?A few friends who'd fronted me some credits when I was light, but who always came to collect.Khrelen sometimes let me have the pick of clients when we scoped things out from backstage because he said he felt bad that I was a sad little human instead of a strapping dalloid in his prime.
And that was it.But Araxis had given me a seat on his ship and a place to call home, and he'd agreed to make all my worries his own.He did it without asking for anything in return, except that I help him in here.And that had felt, on the ship, like my idea: I was already going to be here, and if I could do him some good, if I could do thecreche some good, that made being here feel meaningful, at least.
My jaw worked, tense, as I chewed over the words I wanted to say, and couldn't.What I wanted to thank him for, but couldn't acknowledge.How I wanted to ask him to keep me close, once this was all over –
"I would ask your permission to protect you, now and in the arena."Araxis had shifted closer, his own tea cooling on the tray as his hands settled firmly on my knee.I blinked up at him and his face wasa portrait of seriousness, features tight.Beneath his words was awhine of distress,like an undercurrent.Why was he upset?"I wish very much to keep you safe always, Sashen.We have known each other only a short time, but you are dear to me.I will cherish you, if you declare for me."
His body was curved toward me, taut like a bowstring."Of course I want your help," I said gently.
"Declare yourself for me," he repeated, fingers tightening on my knee."Sashen, please.I will keep you safe.I cannot bear to see you suffer."
"What does that mean?"I asked, confused.I searched his eyes, but they were only big and black, tense at the corners.Still, I heard the keening subvocal, a sharp sound that made my skin prickle.
"You are virra; I am sinnenthi.It would be my utmost pleasure to care for you and protect you.Declare for me, and you will not need to compete.You will have status within the abayan empire, and I will have you removed from the Tournament so that you might be safe.You could leave today, Sashen.Allow me to care for you in this way."
Have me removed?Afrown flickeredacross my mouth.That wasn't the plan.My role was tohelphim.It was clear he'd been rattled even worse than I had by what Grigor had done to me."Araxis –"
"Please."His fingers dug hard into the skin above my knee.His eyes were wide, desperate – and my first instinct was to agree.Whatever he wanted, I would do.
But this wasn't what we had planned, and he was asking me like he wanted me to say yes, while every line of his body radiated tension and misery.The juxtaposition didn't make any sense.It was as if he was at war with himself.I wanted then, more than anything, to ask him toexplain– but clearly he couldn't, not on camera.So I had to try and read something between all of his tangled and slant-written lines.
"Araxis, I can't," I said shakily, feeling a flutter of panic in my chest."I have to be here.I can't just leave."Did he hear what I was saying,that my role was to be by his side?That we had to sell this story together?That I wanted to protect him too?
The bright gleam faded from his eyes.Araxis turned his head away and released my knee, leaning away."I understand."
"Youdon't," I insisted.And I certainly didn't.
But he didn't look at me, instead picking up his tea and staring into the middle distance somewhere near the tray."We should be allies in the arena," he said, frowning."Iwillbe your ally, whether you are declared or not.Yield on the first day, and you will be safe.I will find you in that first hour upon the sands; you will yield; all will be well."
"I can't," I repeated, irritation starting to build in my chest.He knew this.We hadn't talked about why I was here on camera; I'd been open in the interviews, but we were saving our conversation for later.That's what we'd planned.Unsteady, I tried to bring us back to our script."I have a debt, and if I don't pay it, I might as well forfeit my life right now.It would be a more honourable end than if my debt was collected.It would cost me more than credits."
He fluted out a sound, frustrated.His stare cut back to me for a second, lines of tensioncordinghis forearms where his sleeves were folded up."I will pay it," he said, flat."So you must yield, and when I win, I will pay it.You will be free, Sashen.Is your freedom important to you?"
Why the fuck did he sound bitter?I sattheteadownand reached for him, some impulse telling me that if we were touching, we'd be able to understand one another.Surelywe'd understand.Our connection had felt real and palpable, something I could hold on to when the worldwasspinning out of control.But as I reached, he shifted away.
