I knew what I'd been hoping, at least, during our reverie on the ship."I just thought wehadsomething, you know?"I scrambled frantically for anything that might pierce through the shards of ice between us."You and me,beingwith you – I don't know if you understand what my life has been like so far.I've never had someone I could trust like you or talk to,confidein and rely on and… It's been a revelation."I tried again, throat tight, my limbs cold."It's been revelatory.Do you understand?"
For one moment, I thought I saw the smallest crack in his mask, the tightening of skin near his mouth.Araxis fluted out a soft breath."Yes, Sashen, I understand."
Did he?Did he hear me?I opened my mouth to continue, but Araxis spoke instead."We do have something: we have an alliance.Now come, we will be late."
And then he turned and left me standing there.
Okay,okay.
Five.
Araxis didn't like me any more.He didn't like me, and I didn't know why.Because I was weak?Because I'd fucked up our plan?Because I went off-script?Because I hadn't said I'd just leave the moment he decided I should?
Four.
Even if he didn't like me, he was going to keep me safe.He wanted to keep me safe.So that was good.What more could I ask for?Really, that was pretty fucking entitled, wasn't it.
Three.
My debt to Seraphim would be paid.Araxis was going to make sure I was safe in the arena, and I'd yield and be okay.I'd book passage back to Yellow Fin.Or maybe Silver Sea could help me find work somewhere else.
Two.
I wouldn't see the kids again.I wouldn't see Araxis.He had to go off and do whatever shit he had to do to keep Creche Thiel safe.He had to go be a prince.I had to go… do nothing.
One.
Maybe it was good.Maybe I could do whatever I wanted.Maybe that was freedom.Doing what I wanted.
But what Iwantedwas to be with him.I wanted to stay on that stupid, shabby ship and cuddle with those whiny kids.I wanted a thousand more teas and dinners.I even wanted to sit with Vivith and learn about how they programmed those chips.I wanted to help Egnax work on the subspace engines.I wanted Evreni to decide Iwasn't so scary after all.I wanted to meet the old-as-hell abaya who Evreni was worried I'd seduce with my virra ways.
I wanted.Iwanted.
I had to put it away.
One.
Put it all thefuckaway.
I didn't get to want.Tough shit.I got my life and my freedom, and that was enough.
The rest of it, I put away.That was what I got: boxes, hidden away.
I settled into the numbness, familiar.This was how I'd survived the past ten years: I didn't let myself want things; I just drifted.Never pause, never look back, just move.
One.
Who cared anyway?My feelings didn't matter.They weren't even dust in space.They were nothing.Nothing at all.
And nothingness, the void inside me, well.Those were things that couldn't hurt.They were incapable of feeling anything, so that was what I would do: feel nothing.Shut it down, bury it deep.
I straightened and continued down the stairs to meet Silver Sea and Araxis's handler at the door to the village, smiling my empty smile and listening dutifully while Silver Sea explained the interview format and we tracked across the grounds toward another building.And all I felt was nothingness, and it came as a distant, hollow relief.
Interlude
I do not care for this process.I understand why you feel it is necessary, I understand why the investigation is taking place in this format.But the way you are treating [REDACTED], what you are asking of him, feels gratuitous.Exploitative.
Harmful.
