My mouth went dry.Today was Day Ten, and apparently Araxis was still operating under the assumption that we'd be fucking – or at least pretending to for broadcast.
In my mind, there was a box.Last night, I had carefully sorted through every sweet memory I had of him and every soft feeling he stirred in me, and I had folded them up and shoved them inside that box, and sealed the whole thing tight.And then I'd dug a hole and buried the lot deep down in a place I never went and resolved to never go near again.
Knowing that Araxis apparently thought we were still on, that he was continuing on as if nothing had changed, was like taking a pickaxe to that dark, awful corner of my soul, and with every strike, it became clear that was I was unearthing wasn’t sweet and soft.It was hardened, brittle, hurt – and it was fucking angry.
"What did the abayan broadcaster mean?"I asked, pulling up the translation of Araxis's exchange with the abayan reporter who had barely looked at me and certainly hadn't referred to me by name."Aboutforcing the matter?"
Silver Sea's mouth pinched tight for a moment."I do not know.I found it strange.Abaya can be very secretive about their cultural beliefs.They are a… stiff people."
Araxis had rarely seemed that way with me.Then again, I'd just been a fun little diversion on a trip to his proving ground.I probably hadn't even counted as a person.
Not that it mattered to me now.
"What are the odds he wants to make out with me?"I asked finally, forcing a smile to my face."They're shy, right?Got all sorts of weird reservations about sex?"
"I suspect you would have a better understanding of that than I would," she said with an amused chortle."Ketaari find all of it very strange, the shapes you humans and other species bend yourselves into about sexual pleasure."
"To be fair, some species connect sex with reproduction, so you know – there's some baggage there."
She grimaced."Yes, it is easy to forget.If you would like, we can arrange for this meeting to happen – the other ketaari and I have beenspeaking – but I am not willing to do it for free.I can arrange for there to be no video footage; however, I will require that you consent to audio recording.The audience is very keen on seeing how you and Araxisof Creche Thielresolve your… tension."
"So maybe they'd like tohearus resolve that tension?"I joked, feeling sick."Yeah, sure, whatever.Put it in my schedule with wherever it is I need to go, and I'll go.I'm not making any promises though."
She stood and started typing away, presumably to the purple ketaari who had accompanied us to the media room and still hadn't offered her name."You do not need to make promises," she said distantly, ambling toward the door."Let your instincts guide you.They reliably produce excellent results – at least for our numbers, and my bottom line."She shot me a smug look over her shoulder, and then headed out into the halls beyond.
I couldn't think about Araxis.I didn't want to train around the other participants.I couldn't allow myself to replay that interview.So what did I have between now and my daily interviewand that upcoming...appointment with Araxis?I had nothing at all that didn't hurt to think about.
I wished, then, that I had my own wristband with its old Earth media.I'd have loved to watch some videos about little birds who mate for life and give each other gifts in the desolate tundra.And I could think of three kids who would have liked that too – well, two in earnest, and one who'd pretend not to care but would ask to see the video three times in a row.
So I went over to my pack, long since thrown into the corner of the closet, and I dug out my old journal.I sat down on the couch withDevala’sblue marker and the notebook, and I started writing.
A long time ago in a place that's very far away, there were three very brave children on an adventure on a strange and wonderful planet called Earth.Here is where they went and what they saw.
I worked away on the story for the kids until my wrist started hurting, at which point I pulled up my schedule.A soft pink block labelledAppointment (Private)hovered in the middle of the afternoon, casting a gentle glow over my skin in the dim light.I tapped the slot and found the location wasn't specified, which I assumed meant that someone would come and get me.
When I sat down for my daily chat with Sky Pebble, he made all the expected sympathetic sounds and told me how good I looked giventhe ordealI'd been through.He tried to get me to speak more about Seraphim, but I didn't feel like opening up any more of my old wounds, not for him anyway."And," he said, beaming at me while I sat there, feeling hollow, "I gather you're going to have a private conversation with Araxis later.Do you have any hopes for how that might go?"
I had a lot of hopes, but didn't know how many would end up coming true.Mostly I was pissed off –that felt a hell of a lot better than the alternative, which Ipresumed would be sorrow if I scratched off the rage I’d plastered on top of it– butangerwouldn't play wellon camera.So instead, I put on a sad little smilethat sat a little too comfortably on my lipsand shrugged."I just hope… Well.All I want is for us to understand each other.I know he's said he'll protect me.He's solvingallof my problems.And maybe I shouldn't ask for anything else…"
I let myself trail off, looking down at my lap.Across from me,SkyPebble shifted in his seat, the material creaking."But if youwereasking for more," he prompted.When I was still quiet, he continued."You said, before your media panel, that you thought the two of youhadsomething.Do you still think that?Is that what you're hoping for?"
I let myself look up atSkyPebble's smooth brown face again, his eyes startlingly bright."Of course that's what I want," I said – and it had the added benefit of being true."But… I don't know.It seems like there's not much I can offer.I don't know what I was ever thinking.Of course he doesn't want me.Why would he?"
The words came out raw, and I was shocked at how – honest they were.I hadn't meant to say anything real.I blinked rapidly, looking away.I had to get a handle on myself.
Across from me,SkyPebble hummed thoughtfully."When I spoke with him earlier today, Araxis described you as –" he said a word in an unfamiliar language, melodic."It means that you're a treasure.How do you feel about that?"
I'm yours; you're mine.
You deserve to be cherished.
But also –a liability.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry."He said that?"
Sky Pebble's mouth tightened as he smiled."Yes, he did."
"Then – I guess maybe I feel hopeful after all."
