They'd probably both been counting on good metrics from our final night together.
"Well," I said, stepping off to the side of the room where Araxis was standing, black eyes staring up at the projected screen of the arena and its numbered spots."I guess this is it."
I wanted to reach out and touch him.I wanted to tell him everything.I wanted to lament that we didn't have more time, and I wanted to warn him about what was coming – but this wasn't the place and there just wasn't time.
"You know what you must do tomorrow," he said, stare still fixed on the map, the skin around his eyes tight.I could hearthe faintest whine from his subvocals, a sharp hum that he seemed to swallow back as he caught himself.He looked to me then, and said, "Be careful, Sashen.Please."
I smiled, a reflex."It's all going to be fine," I said, and it would be – for him.And in the grand scheme of things, it would be for me.I gave in to impulse, then, and reached and touched his hand, grasping it for a moment."You're going to win this.You're going to change everything for the better.You're going to reshape the whole Concord; you'll make concordance out of difference.It's a beautiful thing to do, Araxis, and youwilldo it."
He blinked then, rapidly, his hand tightening around my own."You found a translation of the interview," he murmured, eyes liquid and shining with the bright lights overhead.The sound around us seemed to wash out, fading into the background, and as we looked into each other's eyes, it was like the whole universe stopped moving.It was just the two of us, and he was the supernova that had drawn me closeand given shape to the rest of the galaxy.Everything that mattered to me was anchored in him.
"I did."I stroked the back of his hand."And I'm proud ofyou.I know it doesn't mean anything coming from someone like me, but –"
"Of course it does," said Araxis, insistent."It means everything, coming from you."
I wanted to say the wordsthat wereburning bright inside of me, as I felt his skin under my thumb, as I stared into his eyes, as I leaned in – inexorably drawn to him.I wanted to press my mouth against his and murmur that I loved him and thank him for what we had shared these past few weeks.I wanted to tell him I was at peace with what was coming, and it was because of him.I might not have been enough for him, but he was a galaxy of possibility for me, and I was suffused with light just from being near him.
He must have seen something pass across my features, because his grip tightened and he leaned in a little closer."Sashen," Araxis said, tone growing urgent, "What is it?What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I lied."I had just hoped – It would have been nice to be with you tonight.I like sleeping next to you.I sleep best by your side, because you make everything else quiet.I'd have liked a bit of quiet before tomorrow."
He pulled me in.The camera drones whirred around us even as I let my eyes flutter shut.I leaned into him, into the rumble deep in his chest, which felt like contentment, warmth, care.He curled one hand around the back of my neck, thumb ghosting over the mark he'd left on me, and I inhaled the scent of him deep into my lungs, as deep as I could, so that when I finally let go of my last breath, he would still be there.He would be a part of me.
"Apologies, Sashen Solar, I did try," Silver Sea said behind me."The decision was last minute."
I reluctantly shifted away from Araxis,tilting my headto look at her."It's okay," I said.She, of course, understood what I lost by not having tonight.She knew what I would never have.I turned back to Araxis and looked deep into his eyes again – dark as the depths ofspace, but so warm and full of life – and I touched his cheek gently."Sleep well," I said."Win.Take care of your creche.Make everything better."
"I will see you tomorrow, Sashen," he said, eyes pinched with worry.
I pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth, then turned and left, following Silver Sea from the room as we traipsed back to my quarters."I will need to lock you in," she said, voice buzzing with irritation."And I am running low on favours.But you have your wristband for the night – you could write to him."
I didn't say anything as I stepped into the dark space of my room, kicking discarded clothes out of the way.Itwaslike walking into a crypt.I looked over my shoulder at the doorway; Silver Seawasa silhouetteagainstthe bright lights of the hall."Tomorrow will go ahead as planned," she said after a long moment."The executives will not cave to Seraphim at this juncture."The implication that they might as time went on was clear.
It was fine.I didn't plan on surviving past that first hour anyway.
"Thanks for everything.I really mean it."I tapped on a low light, more like a red glow, and let myself sink down to the sofa.
Silver Sea still stood watching from the door, her face unreadable in the shadow."I have done nothing at all."
I shrugged."I don't know.I've liked talking to you.You've made me feel like I'm worth something.Like maybe I'm a real person."
For a long time, she said nothing, and then she sighed."I am glad, then.I have enjoyed working with you, Sashen Solar.You even occasionally followed your schedule.And you have certainly encouraged me to engage in a great deal of lateral thinking.Remember: you have your wristband.I will see you in the morning."And then the door slid shut, a mechanical whirring indicating that the lock had engaged and I was left alone in my room, which glowed with a grim red light.
I resolved that I wouldn't sleep, because when you could count the hours left between your current moment and when you were going todie, you suddenly realized how stupid sleep was.My bodywas entirelytoo small for all of my thoughts and energy,straining at the energetic edges.I paced the room for awhile, then I laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling.I cradled my swords to my chest and imagined that Adelaithe would find herself transported into the arena and that Araxis and I would kill her in an explosion of blood and flying extremities.I chose, eventually, to sit on my bed and finish the story I'd started for the children, writing until my hand cramped and I was running perilously short on paper.
It was then, in the small hours of the morning, that I realized I was making a massive mistake.Not because I wanted to accept Seraphim and go back to their space cult and attend service and be squeezed back into a shape that would end up killing me, day by day.
But here I was, trying furiously not to think about Araxis, when all I wanted was to hold him and let everything I felt for him spill out.I'd made that stupid video with my last words, and I hadn't even said the ones that mattered.
I went into the hygiene room, the only place in this fucking apartment where I could have any privacy, and I pulled out his hidden note, squeezing it in my grip.Then I wedged myself against the wall, sitting hard on the cool floor as I pulled my wristband up.
If I send you a video on this channel,I wrote to Silver Sea,will you get it to Araxis tomorrow morning before we're in the arena?I promise it's not nefarious.Just… a confession of profound feelings?
Her response flared to life on my wristband right away, glowing orange.Of course.I will accept broadcast rights in payment.
I snorted, and for some reason tears prickled in my eyes at her incessant ambition.You've got them.
And then I called up the video interface, and I started recording.
