Inclusion #70
Licensed by: Ketaari 78217.09.182; provided for use by Judicial Panel; fee waived
Subject: [ALIAS SS]
View: Subject sits on the floor of a small hygiene room, legs spread, elbows braced on his thighs, leaning forward.The room is lit by low red lighting.
I needed to film this because I want you to understand what's going to happen, and I want you to understand that it's not your fault.None of it is.This is just how things go.This is my past catching up with me.
I'm not going to survive out there, Araxis.I'mchoosingnot to.That woman from the Seraphim news group, she came to see me today and she showed me a claim that's been approved against me by the Central Primus Economic Forum.I guess all the shit I said really hurt them, and it was in a measurable way.It's not just a debt for my life now.It's… What they've claimed, and have been approved for, is more than the total prize fund.They said I could go back with them to Seraphim and live there.They promised not to torture me.Really generous, right?But – I can't.Ican't.That woman said I should tell you and that you, being myfriend, would say I should value my life more and take their offer.But you understand me in a way they don't.You know me, Araxis.You knowme.
You keep saying that I value autonomy, and Ido.But what matters most to me is what I said, kind of, earlier today.I can't go to a place that will make me hate myself.If I had to pick anything, I think it would be to feel at peace with who I am and to feel… valued and seen?I didn't have much actual freedom at the den, but I had a sense of who I was.I was able to like who I was.
You said once that you wouldn't let me go back to a place that didn't cherish me.I've thought about that a lot since you said it.I wouldn't have minded being cherished, especially by you.God, what Iwouldn't give to have moretime… But all of it, everything here with you, it was so much better than anything I had before, and while these past few weeks have been fuckingintenseand the ending kind of sucks… they've also been the best weeks of my life.So thank you for that, for everything.Thank you for seeing me and caring about me.And thank you for trying to make things right.You did your best, but some things can't be fixed.
I can just imagine you now, trying desperately to figure a way out – but I've seen the papers, and we've checked them.The claim is legitimate.That's the Economic Forum for you.There is no way for you to win and have enough money for yourcreche and the work you need to do with the Concord,andfor me to stay out of their grasp.And the kids, Araxis –
Subject pauses, and rubs at his face.He appears to be crying, but the dim light makes it hard to confirm.
I know you have children in your creche, and I would never putmy safety before theirs.I wouldneverask you to put them in harm's way.So it's a simple choice.I'm going to die tomorrow.I'd say I'm going to let myself die, but I don't know – the bookies are pretty sure I'd go tomorrow anyway, even if I was really trying to make it.
Subject laughs, wet and thick with emotion.
I would have really tried for you.Do you understand?I would have tried, Araxis,allof it.I would have liked to see you one last time and to tell you this in person but – I'm not anyone important, and you are.And you're not just important because you're the head of Creche Thiel and because you're going to change everything in your empire for the better.You're noble and brave andsokind.You're like a supernova, shining brighter than anyone else around you, and I have loved every moment I've gotten to spend basking in your light.You should know – You need to know that I love you.And it's been a privilege for me to care for you with every part of my heart.
Video end.
Chapter 25 –Wasteland
I must have fallen asleep eventually because I woke up to Silver Sea shaking my shoulder."I'm up, I'm up," I slurred as she took a step back and I rolled over, pressing my face hard into my pillow.Alien pillows were usually too flat or too hard, but this one was perfect.I'd miss this pillow.
I guess I wouldn't.Cosmic space dust didn't miss anything.
I snorted into the fabric, told myself pointedly that I was fine with everything and I absolutely wasn't feeling pressure building behind my eyes, and then I forced myself up and out of bed.
I had a quick shower, mostly so I could try to appreciate the feeling of water on my skin for the last time, and ate the array of cold food that had been brought to my room sometime during my brief cry in the hygiene room.I shoved pieces of cheese and wedges of fruit into my mouth while Silver Sea sat, tapping away on her wristband.God, how was food so good?How many times had I not stopped to really appreciate it?
"Your video is with Araxis's handler," she said after watching me for a long time as I ate increasingly small bites to prolong the meal.
I nodded, taking a nibble of some sort of nut.
"You remain steadfast in your planned course of action."
I nodded again.
Silver Sea blinked at me placidly."Very well.Time is short.You should put on your base layer now, SashenSolar."
So I did, shrugging into the thin black clothes that would go under my fitted armour.I tied the waist tight, and that just made me think of Araxis and how easily he'd slipped his ties looser and taken my hand and –
I looped off the tie and went into the hygiene room to brush my teeth.I didn't look at myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand to,not when I knew my eyes were going to be shiny, my skin washed out and pale.
"Getting weepy over alien dick," I muttered to myself after I spat out the toothpaste."Fuckingembarrassing, Sashen."I rinsed my mouth out and ran my fingers through my damp hair.
I stepped into the room, where Silver Sea was lost in her wristband as usual, typing away frantically.When I scooped up my swords and slung them over my shoulder, I paused for just a second to run my fingers over the seam where Araxis's quill was, feeling the curve of it there beneath the black fabric.I remembered the feel of his crest slipping through my fingers, and how much I'd wanted to touch it again and braid it for him.
It is quite intimate, he'd said when he declined.And I'd left him there to nurse my own hurt feelings.Stupid.I could have stayed.I could have squeezed out every single moment with him.
Hurt feelings didn't matter much when you were space dust.
