I retrieved my old journal from a little table near the bedside, holding it out to Silver Sea."Could you get this to Araxis when the Tournament is done?It's silly.I, uh, wrote some stories about Earth for the kids in his creche.I don't know, I thought it would be cute.Kids like learning about other places, right?"
Her wristband blinked off as Silver Sea reached out and took the journal.She flipped through the pages, stopping several times to look at my paltry illustrations.When her golden stare flicked up, it was impossible to read."You are a curious person, Sashen Solar."She closed the book and it vanished into a pocket in her outer robe."Yes, I will see that he receives it when he wins."
When he wins.She believed in him too, and if Silver Sea was confident in Araxis, that was it.This Tournament belonged to him.It was all I needed to know in order to go in peace."Alright," I said, straightening."I'm ready."
She reached down again and touched the crown of my head with one large, gray hand."You are going to make for spectacular viewing today."
I tried to smile at her, but it felt wrong on my face."Sure am."
And then we went into the hallway beyond.As we walked through the silent halls and the empty spaces, she leaned over."Would you mind if I made a copy of your story for my children?They have been very curious about whereSashen Solarcomes from."
My eyebrows shot up."You have kids?"For some reason, I'd thought of her as a bit of a lone wolf, and definitely too young for children.
"Yes, five."Her lips quirked, just the tiniest bit, which was the equivalent of another species absolutely beaming."They are very energetic, and quite enterprising.I am certain they will find a way to sell copies to every other child in their school."Her charms tinkled behind her as we walked, and she was absolutely lit up with pride.
I should have thought to ask her more questions about herself.I could have gotten to know her better.She probably knew more about me than almost anyone else, but Silver Sea was still an enigma.But I didn't have time now, so I just said, "I bet you're a great parent.They probably can't get away with anything."
She barked out a laugh and patted the top of my head again; it must have been a ketaari gesture reserved for idiots barrelling toward their imminent demise."My eldest complains aboutthatat least once a week."
We didn't go out the front doors to walk across the grounds, instead heading into the stairwell that led us down to the maze of tunnels below.Silver Sea paused along the way, tapping at her wristband.As my eyebrows raised in question, she said, for my benefit, "I am coordinating the timing with the other handlers so that you all remain separated.We wouldn't want any accidental meetings.The conglomerate would be most displeased."
"Right," I said, looking down the stairwell.I'd have liked to go back to that curved bank of windows by Araxis's shuttle.I'd have liked to stand there with him for a lot longer, watching the rain in the trees.I'd have liked to hear more about what it was like for him growing up.It certainly sounded better than what childhood had been like forme, although his creche had lost everything at some point so I was sure he had more than his share of tragedy.
I followed along behind Silver Sea, the endless white halls branching off before us.We passed several intersections in silence except for the sound of our footfalls and the quiet buzzing of the lights overhead.
As we made a turn, I saw another ketaari waiting in the distance at yet another intersection of hallways."Oh, we must have gotten our timing wrong," said Silver Sea blandly, and as we approached, I realized that I knew the other ketaari.And a breath later, Araxis stepped out from around the corner of one of the branching halls.
My heart jumped to my throat, and my body surged forward of its own accord, all instinct.I moved forward, and Araxis rushed toward me and grabbed me tight."Sashen," he said against my ear, voice tight and humming with distressed subvocalizations.
"I'm sorry," I gasped.Tears spilled over my lower lids, a torrent I couldn't stop, and I couldn'tbreathe.My ribs felt cracked, tears leaving streaks of fire down the planes of my cheeks."I'mso sorry."I held him so tight I thought something might break while I shook in his arms; his hands dug divots into the planes of my back, holding me so close that we may as well have shared one body, pressed entirely against one another.Fused on an atomic level.
Until we weren't.Araxis let me go and reached his hands up to cradle my face, his eyes dark and liquid."Why would you ever be sorry?"
"I fucked it all up."My words came out ragged, uneven, and I gripped his arms desperately, like holding him might save me from drowning."I shouldn't have run my mouth.If I'd just stayed quiet, they wouldn't have –"
"This isn't your fault, Sashen."He wiped the tears away as they fell, his features so perfectly soft.He had always been so gentle with me.He had always treated me like someone worth caring for.
Distantly, I was aware of Silver Sea saying, "Under sixty seconds now."
Araxis's stare flicked over to her, sharp and quick."Yes, I understand," he said, and then he turned his attention to me.In that moment, it was like being swallowed up by the corona of a white-hot star: I was pinned in place as he held me there.I could let myself burn away to nothingness under his attention; he would hold me close and I would be free; I would be radiant at the end."Listen to me, Sashen.You must survive.I will find you in the arena, and you will yield, and I willtake careof you.All is not lost.I don't have time to explain –"
"I can't go back, Araxis," I pleaded, feeling for all the universe as if my chest were crumpling inwards.To disappoint him like this was almost worse than anything."And I'm sorry, but I can't –"
"Yes, Sashen, I understand."His voice was firm and unwavering, quiet and urgent."I have a solution.You said you trust me entirely, yes?"He stroked the lines of my cheekbones, brushing his thumbs against my eyelashes where tears had collected.
I nodded, numb.Next to us, Silver Sea murmured, "Twenty seconds."
"Then trust me, beloved.You must survive and we will find each other.I will explain everything, and if you find it intolerable – I will finish it myself.If you still feel you must die,Iwill do it, Sashen, I promise.But I hope…" The subvocal keened, a lament."I hope you will accept what I offer."
"And we're going."Silver Sea reached out and caught my elbow in one large hand, her grip stronger than I'd expected.
Araxis released me, eyes gleaming in the bright lights overhead."You will try, at least?"he asked, voice hoarse.
"For you, I'd do anything," I said, heart beating raw and ragged in my chest.And then Silver Sea pulled me around a corner, and Araxis vanished from sight.
Silver Sea marched me onward as I gasped for air, struggling to catch my breath.I scrubbed furiously at my face, mind reeling.Beneath me, my legs had gone numb, my footing suddenly unsteady; I felt almost drunk.
Silver Sea continued to hold my elbow, tugging me along."If we could have arranged more time, we would have," she said finally, as my breathing started to even out in those empty white hallways.
