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Landen and Joffy again
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'George Formby was born George Hoy Booth in Wigan in 1904. He followed his father into the music hall business, adopted the ukulele as his trademark and by the time the war broke out he was a star of variety, pantomime and film. During the first years of the war, he and his wife Beryl toured extensively for ENSA, entertaining the troops as well as making a series of highly successful movies. By 1942 he and Gracie Fields stood alone as the nation's favourite entertainers. When invasion of England was inevitable, many influential dignitaries and celebrities were shipped out to Canada. George and Beryl elected to stay and fight – as George put it: "To the last bullet on the end of Wigan pier!" Moving underground with the English resistance and various stalwart regiments of the Local Defence Volunteers, Formby manned the outlawed "Wireless St George" and broadcast songs, jokes and messages to secret receivers across the country. Always in hiding, always moving, the Formbys used their numerous contacts in the North to smuggle Allied airmen to neutral Wales and form resistance cells that harried the Nazi invaders. Hitler's order of 1944 to "have all ukuleles and banjos in England burnt" was a measure of how much he was considered a threat. George's famous comment after peace was declared, "Ee, turned out nice again!", became a national catch-phrase. In postwar republican England he was made non-executive President for life, a post he held until his assassination.'
JOHN WILLIAMS – The Extraordinary Career of George Formby
It was after two or three days of plain LiteraTec work and a dull weekend without Landen that I found myself lying awake and staring at the ceiling, listening to the clink-clink of milk bottles and the click-click of Pickwick's feet on the linoleum as she meandered around the kitchen. Sleep patterns never came out quite right in re-engineered species; no one knew why. There had been no major coincidences over the past few days, although on the night of Joffy's exhibition the two SpecOps 5 agents who had been assigned to watch Slaughter and Lamb died in their car as a result of carbon monoxide poisoning. It seemed their car had a faulty exhaust. Lamb and Slaughter had been following me around very indiscreetly for the past two days. I just let them get on with it; they weren't bothering me – or my unknown assailant. If they had, they'd as likely as not be dead.
But there was more than just SO-5 to worry about. In three days the world would be reduced to a sticky mass of sugar and proteins – or so my father said. I had seen the pink and gooey world for myself, but then I had also seen myself shot at Cricklade Skyrail station, so the future wasn't exactly immutable – thank goodness. There had been no advance on the forensic report; the pink slime matched to no known chemical compound. Coincidentally, the following Thursday was also the day of the general election, and Yorrick Kaine looked set to make some serious political gains thanks to his 'generous' sharing of Cardenio. Mind you, he was still taking no chances – the first public unveiling of the text was not until the day after the election. The thing was, if the pink gunge got a hold, Yorrick Kaine could have the shortest career as a prime minister ever. Indeed, next Thursday could be the last Thursday for all of us.
I closed my eyes and thought of Landen. He was there as I best remembered him; seated in his study with his back to me, oblivious to everything, writing. The sunlight streamed in through the window and the familiar clacketty-clack of his old Underwood typewriter sounded like a fond melody to my ears. He stopped occasionally to look at what he had written, make a correction with the pencil clenched between his teeth, or just pause for pause's sake. I leaned on the door frame for a while and smiled. He mumbled a line he had written, chuckled to himself and typed faster for a moment, hitting the carrriage return with a flourish. He typed quite animatedly in this fashion for about five minutes until he stopped, took out the pencil and slowly turned round to face me.
'Hey, Thursday.'
'Hey, Landen. I didn't want to disturb you; shall I—?'
'No, no,' he said hurriedly, 'this can wait. I'm just pleased to see you. How's it going out there?'
'Boring,' I told him despondently. 'After Jurisfiction, SpecOps works seems as dull as ditchwater. Flanker at SO-1 is still on my back, I can feel Goliath breathing down my neck, and this Lavoisier character is using me to get to Dad.'
'Would sitting on my lap help?'
So I did, and hugged him tightly.
'How's Junior?'
'Junior is smaller than a broad bean but making himself known. The Lucozade keeps the nausea at bay most of the time – I must have drunk a swimming pool of it by now.'
There was a pause.
'Is it mine?' he asked.
I held him tightly again but said nothing. He understood and patted my shoulder.
'Let's talk about something else. How are you getting along at Jurisfiction?'
'Well,' I said, blowing my nose loudly, 'I'm not a natural at this book-jumping lark. I want you back, Land, but I'm only going to get one shot at The Raven and I need to get it right. I've not heard from Havisham for nearly three days – I don't know when the next assignment will be.'
Landen shook his head slowly.
'Sweetness, I don't want you to go into The Raven.'
I looked up at him.
'You heard. Leave Jack Schitt where he is. How many people would have died for him to make a packet out of that Plasma rifle scam? One thousand? Ten thousand? Listen, your memory may grow fuzzy, but I'll still be here, the good times—'
'But I don't want just the good times, Land. I want all the times. The shitty ones, the arguments, that annoying habit you had of always trying to make the next filling station and running out of petrol. Picking your nose, farting in bed. But more than that, I want the times that haven't happened yet – the future. Our future! I am getting Schitt out, Land – make no mistake about that'
'Let's talk about something else again,' said Landen. 'Listen – I'm a bit worried about someone trying to kill you with coincidences.'
'I can look after myself.'
He looked at me solemnly.
'I don't doubt it for one moment. But I'm only alive in your memories – and some mewling and puking ones of my mum's, I suppose – and without you I'm nothing at all, ever. So if whoever is juggling with entropy gets lucky next time, you and I are both for the high jump – but at least you get a memorial and a SpecOps regulation headstone.'
'I see your point, however muddled you might make it. Did you see how I used the last entropy lapse to find Mrs Nakyima? Clever, eh?'
