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'We'll take the bus,' I stammered.
'You'll take the car,' corrected the police officer, 'my car … Hey! Where do you think you're going?'
He was talking to Miss Havisham, who had taken the Farquitt boxed set and walked into a small group of women to disguise her bookjump – back to Great Expectations or the bun shop in Little Dorrit, or somewhere. I wished I could have joined her, but my skills in these matters were not really up to scratch. I sighed.
'We want some answers, Next,' said the policeman in a grim tone.
'Listen, Rawlings, I don't know the lady very well. What did she say her name was? Dame-rouge?'
'It's Havisham, Next – but you know that, don't you? That "lady" is extremely well known to the police – she's racked up seventy-four outrageously serious driving offences in the past twenty-two years.'
'Really?'
'Yes, really. In June she was clocked driving a chain-driven Liberty-engined Higham Special Automobile at 171.5 m.p.h. up the M4. It's not only irresponsible, it's … Why are you laughing?'
'No reason.'
The officer stared at me.
'You seem to know her quite well, Next. Why does she do these things?'
'Probably,' I replied, 'because they don't have motorways where she comes from – or twenty-seven-litre Higham Specials.'
'And where would that be, Next?'
'I have no idea.'
'I could arrest you for helping the escape of an individual in custody.'
'She wasn't arrested, Rawlings, you said so yourself.'
'Perhaps not, but you are. In the car.'
20
Yorrick Kaine
* * *
'In 1983 the youthful Yorrick Kaine was elected leader of the Whigs, at that time a small and largely inconsequential party whose desire to put the aristocracy back in power and limit voting rights to homeowners had placed it on the outer edges of the political arena. A pro-Crimean stance coupled with a wish for British unification helped build nationalist support, and by 1985 the Whigs had three MPs in Parliament. They built their manifesto on populist tactics such as reducing the cheese duty and offering dukedoms as prizes on the National Lottery. A shrewd politician and clever tactician, Kaine was ambitious for power – in whatever way he could get it.'
A.J.P. MILLINER – The New Whigs –
From Humble Beginnings to Fourth Reich
It took two hours for me to convince the police I wasn't going to tell them anything about Miss Havisham other than her address. Undeterred, they thumbed through a yellowed statute book and eventually charged me with a little-known 1621 law about 'Permissioning a horse and carte to be driven by personn of low moral turpithtude', but with the 'horse and carte' bit crossed out and 'car' written in instead – so you can see how desperate they were. I would have to go before the magistrate the following week. I started to sneak out of the building to go home but—
'— so there you are!'
I turned and hoped my groan wasn't audible.
'Hello, Cordelia.'
'Thursday, are you okay' You look a bit bruised!'
'I got caught in a fiction frenzy.'
'No more nonsense, now – I need you to meet the people who won my competition.'
