‘I think you are telling me perhaps I have ruined you for all other men,’ Luis says, with a wink. ‘That’s what it sounds like to me.’
CJ rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling, giving him his point.
‘You’re an idiot,’ she says, and Luis laughs.
‘I accept your compliments,’ he replies.
They work companionably for the rest of the day, the mood between them relaxed and happy. Luis finalises the details of a fado night, and the next beach trip, and also spends some time musing on his fortieth birthday celebrations, ultimately confirming which bar he’d like his party at and liaising with a favoured restaurant to do him a favour and provide the food at a good rate.
‘Have you calmed down about turning forty yet?’ CJ asks later that afternoon. ‘Or are you still being ridiculous about it?’
They’re in the back office now, end of the day in sight, Luis on his laptop, CJ sorting through paperwork.
‘Hey,’ Luis says. He’s shaking his head. ‘Take my feelings seriously! It’s a big thing, becoming forty. I’ll be kind to you when it happens – and it is not that far away.’
CJ shrugs. ‘It doesn’t scare me,’ she says, plainly. ‘It’s just an age.’
‘I disagree,’ says Luis. ‘To me, it is not just an age. It is important to be aware of the passing of time. That’s why annual rituals are important – Christmas, Valentine’s, Republic Day, All Saints’ Day … birthdays are a way to acknowledge what has been and what is to come. They’re important.’
‘But that’s cause for celebration, no? Rather be a year older than the alternative.’
‘But how do we celebrate without also knowing what we commiserate? How do we see the light without understanding dark? Any birthday is a chance to think about the year gone and the year ahead, but for me, forty … it could be the age I am halfway through my life. I look at my grandparents, you know, and wonder how long they will be here for. Life is precious, CJ.’
‘OK, I see your point,’ she concedes. CJ is touched by his earnestness. ‘And so … turning forty is a way for you to mark time deliberately? Is there something especially ritualistic you’d like to do?’
‘This party,’ he says, ‘all the people in my life who I love, together in one room. That feels important. Eating, drinking, and I will give a short speech, I think, to thank everyone for being my friend, for loving me. I suppose if I had a wedding it would happen there, but I am not married and so my birthday will be the occasion I tell them this.’
‘For what it’s worth,’ CJ says, ‘you could have got married a million times. It’s not as if you’re short of offers. Almost every girl you’ve been with could have been your bride.’
‘It never felt right to me,’ Luis says, shaking his head. ‘I know you think I’m a player, as you’ve said before, but CJ, it’s like the fairy tales – the princess has to kiss the frogs before she finds the prince. I have been kissing frogs.’
‘You’ve been doing more than kissing them,’ points out CJ.
‘That’s slut-shaming,’ Luis counters, proud to know the English for such a thing.
‘You are correct. I apologise.’
‘Apology accepted.’
They’re at their best like this, CJ and Luis, talking, shooting the shit, half distracted by another task, all the better for revealing actual truths. They don’t sit opposite one another at trattorias and make heavy eye contact as they open up their inner emotional lives. They’re sideways-on together, so as not to get spooked. Whether it’s a desire not to spook the other or not to spook themselves, it cannot be said, but either way, with their backs turned and with another job in front of them, that’s when they communicate in their rarest, but most open, form.
‘CJ,’ Luis says, and immediately CJ can hear the change in his tone. ‘Your ass in those shorts, I need to tell you: it’s been killing me all day. Have you done it for me to notice?’
‘Luis,’ CJ says. ‘How dare you. I am dressed for a workout so that I actually go and work out – I was going to go and do a kettlebell class at lunch but got waylaid with the double-booking drama. The fact that you have been looking at my arse all day has totally escaped my notice.’
She gifts him an over-the-shoulder look with half a smile, just ambiguous enough to mask if she’s kidding or not. Luis reaches out a hand and grabs her office chair, pulling her over to him with a manly, dominant sweep of his arm.
‘Whoa!’ CJ says, coming to a full stop beside him, and he looks at her seriously.
‘You like to play with me,’ he says.
CJ lowers her voice to reply. ‘Luis. You and I both understand full well that youenjoybeing played with.’
Luis opens his mouth to say something but promptly shuts it, changing his mind.
‘What?’ CJ asks.
‘Last night,’ he says. ‘With this terrible fuck. Did you think of me?’
