CJ pauses, assessing what it is he wants to hear. ‘You know I did,’ she says, honestly. ‘You know that whatever our bodies do together … works.’
‘Mmmmm,’ Luis murmurs. ‘Say more.’ He leans in, locking his head at an angle that means if CJ moved an inch his lips would graze her neck.
CJ takes the hint. ‘Nobody fucks me like you do,’ she tells him. ‘The way you fit inside me, the way you make me move …’
Luis looks pointedly down at his crotch, where CJ can now see he is proudly at attention. She drops her voice and with half a smirk says, ‘Do you like me telling you that? Do you like me telling you nobody does it like you do? Do you like me telling you I was thinking of you as he went down on me, wishing it was you?’
Luis’s pupils dilate to saucers, his breath shortening audibly. CJ moves a hand to between his legs, caressing lightly over the fabric of his jeans.
‘I think you do like me saying that, don’t you?’ She works her hand harder, letting Luis’s sigh of contentment serve as affirmation that of course he bloody likes it.
‘Hello? Luis?’
A voice cuts through the sexual tension of the office.
‘Are you there?’
‘Ah merda,’ says Luis, quickly. ‘Ash.’
He pushes CJ’s hand off him and sits up straighter in his chair. He presses his legs together like he’s wishing his erection away, and CJ raises an eyebrow.
‘Really?’ she asks him, a mix of shocked and pissed off. She cannot believe he’s just done that – jumped back from her touch like she’s radioactive, all because his little princess has appeared. Luis looks at her sheepishly, cheeks flushed, breathing still uneven, and CJ says, ‘Oh, for god’s sake,’ and stands up, flings open the office door.
‘Luis will be out in a moment,’ she says as brightly as she can, and as mad as she is at Luis, she instantly recognises that it isn’t Ash’s fault. Ash stands there in her navy cardigan and layered gold jewellery, long blonde hair fanned out over her shoulders. Her bright eyes flicker to the gap in the office door where CJ turns, just in time to see Luis stick his hand in his trousers to rearrange himself.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Ash says. ‘Fucking seriously, Luis?’ She closes her eyes, sighs as if to counsel herself. Then she declares, ‘This is bullshit.’
Ash stands there like she needs a second to digest, shaking her head, disgust evident, and CJ can see that despite her acerbic words, the woman is hurt. Tears well up in her eyes, and when Luis emerges and says, ‘Ash, we were just messing about. It’s not serious,’ Ash lifts a hand and says, ‘You two are sick. Whatever this is –’ she wags a finger between CJ and Luis, back and forth – ‘I want absolutely no part of it, OK? I am Taylor Swift. I would very much like to be excluded from the narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.This place is toxic, and weird, and I’m going to leave. You’re welcome to each other.’
She storms away, heading up to her room, and Luis starts to go after her. At the sound of his footsteps Ash stands still, and without turning around says, ‘If you come after me, Luis, I will scream. I will scream and scream until somebody calls the fucking police. Fuckoff, OK? Fuck all the way off.’
14
Ash
Ash feels … well. Many things. Anger, mostly. Hot lava coursing through her veins, heart racing, breath shallow. She’s so angry, in fact, that it’s blurring her vision – or wait, perhaps that’s the tears. Why is she incapable of feeling cross without also crying like a little girl? That makes her even madder! How dare these people push her like this, goad her,use her.She doesn’t even care about CJ, this is all on Luis. Or maybe it’s all on her, on Ash. Did she read too much into theirliaison? It’s not as if she expects exclusivity right away, not like they owe each other anything.
Except, she thinks, flopping down on her bed and staring at the ceiling, her and Luis kind of do owe one another something. It shouldn’t be bad to think that in spending a few nights together they might like each other, and people who like each other don’t also do whatever Luis was doing in the back office. It’s humiliating. She feels humiliated. Ash has engaged with Luis from hope, despite all of her previous experience warning her not to, because she thought – hoped? Assumed? – things would be different here in Lisbon.But it turns out no, they’re not, and neither is she. Despite a few flirtatious encounters and a couple of drunken nights with a handful of new people, Ash is still Ash. Nothing has changed at all. CJ said it was game on. Well. Ash has lost. She has a fleeting thought, a sort of wishful flash of another life where she could pick up the phone and talk to her mother about all this, get insight from somebody who loves her no matter what and won’t judge her for being so unmoored, so untethered. But Pauline Davies isn’t warm and fuzzy that way. Pauline Davies only ever makes Ash feel like she’s let her down by not having her life together already – whether she means to or not.
There’s a knock at the door. Ash freezes. She told Luis not to follow her, and she meant it. She wants to be alone to calm down, needs to take some time to shower, wash the day off her, calm down her nervous system and maybe have a look at flights home. Would she really do that? Leave? It’s not like there’s anything waiting for her in Bristol, that’s the whole damned point. She should probably find somewhere else to stay, though. CoLab is the height of unprofessional and gross, and she would likely fare better in a nice Airbnb for one, or at the very least a different co-living and co-working space. Lisbon is crawling with them. It wouldn’t be hard to check in somewhere else.
More knocking. And then:
‘Ash? It’s CJ. Will you open the door?’
Oh god. The only person she wants to talk to less than Luis is CJ.
‘I promise you’ll want to hear what I have to say,’ CJcontinues, and Ash has to admit, she does sound … if not sorry, then at least borderline genuine. Ash hates that it prods at her curiosity. She sits up, looks in the mirror over the vanity unit and wipes under her eyes. She’s had such a great day with Mona, walking, talking, exploring, talking some more. Mona is so easy to be around, it is so fascinating to hear her take on being alive, to learn about what a sixty-something woman makes of this thing called life. If Mona was here now, what would she advise Ash to do? Ignore CJ, or open the door with defiance? It’s a toss-up – is life too short to cower away, or is life too short to waste time on people who aren’t worth it? For only the twelve millionth time in her adult life, Ash wishes once again that there was a handbook for it, a clear-cut yes/no Magic 8 Ball that would allow one to do the exact right thing instead of guess and hope for the best.
‘Urgh,’ Ash sighs, finding herself standing. ‘What?’ she says, as she opens the door, face impassive, voice hostile.
CJ gives a small nod, as if confirming she has received Ash’s energy and understands. ‘I’d like you to come with me,’ she says. She must register Ash’s confusion, and utter disdain, because she then adds, more gently, ‘Please.’
Ash blinks. CJ really does think she’s the boss of the universe, doesn’t she, commanding people to do this, go there, dance to her tune and her tune only.
‘Where?’
‘You’ll see.’
