‘That you need to sleep with him once more before you pack it in forever.’
‘I was not thinking that!’
‘You were!’ Ash screeches. ‘Because I was too! He’s …’ Nobody is capable of finishing their trail of thought in this conversation. Instead, Ash looks at Luis dreamily and sighs.
‘I know,’ says CJ, looking at him too. Luis appears panicked, eyes flicking between them, back and forth, waiting for a fuller explanation of what, exactly, he is. CJ shakes her head affably and breaks it down for him. ‘Luis, we both think you are a tremendously good shag, and I think we’re both drunk enough to admit to wanting to have one last fuck with you.’ She laughs, and then catches how that sounds. ‘Not together, don’t look like that! Pervert.’
‘Although,’ Ash says, head lolling side to side. CJ shoots her a look of surprise. ‘I’m kidding!’ Ash adds. And CJ can’t figure out if she’s relieved, or not. For a tiny split second then, she really thought Ash was suggesting … you know. A threesome. ‘Have you ever done that?’ Ash continues. ‘Group sex or whatever?’
‘No,’ says CJ. ‘It’s never been on my bucket list.’
Luis volunteers, ‘I haven’t either, actually. But itison my bucket list.’
They look at Ash. Since Luis doesn’t ask, CJ finds that she does. ‘Have you?’ she says, voice hoarse.
Ash nods. ‘With a couple of exes, yeah,’ she says. ‘Trying to keep things exciting or whatever. It was … fun. No big deal, really. Just a thing that happened. Sex clubs, double-dating on the apps, that sort of thing.’
‘Huh,’ says CJ, tone flat.
‘Huh,’ says Luis, tone excited.
CJ levels her gaze at him. ‘No, Luis,’ she says.
He holds up his hands and laughs. ‘What! A man can dream, can’t he?’
CJ and Ash laugh, and then Ash sighs and puts her head on CJ’s shoulder, arms touching, backs of their hands grazing. CJ freezes. Is Ash … testing the waters? Nooo. Surely not. She’s surprised to learn Ash has this freaky side, though. She never would have guessed. CJ can’t tell what she should do – move her arm to put it around Ash? Stay where she is? Shift so that her ear finds the top of Ash’s head, a gesture of what, cosy female friendship? Something more? CJ sits there, straight as a rod, waiting for a further clue, until time passes and eventually Ash yawns and says, ‘God. I’m sorry, you guys. I need to go to bed.’
She stands up, stretches. Luis and CJ watch.
‘I am very, very pissed,’ she announces. ‘Goodnight.’
And then she wanders down the lane, CoLab in sight, and Luis and CJ wait for her to use her key to get in the door, safe, before they look at one another.
‘I would like to have a threesome with the two of you,’ Luis says. ‘For the avoidance of doubt.’
‘For the avoidance of doubt,’ CJ repeats, not missing a beat. Her eyes are fixed on the door Ash just disappeared through. ‘Luis, a threesome with the two of us won’t ever, ever happen. Ever.’
20
Ash
‘I just feel so angry all the time,’ Willow says to Ash down the phone. ‘I genuinely believe he is trying to change and that he’s doing everything he can to reassure me of that, but then I’m furious all over again because I can’t simply accept the good, nice thing, the flowers or surprise date night or whatever, because the good, nice thing reminds me he’s trying to apologise, over and over again, and it makes me want to scream!’
Ash is listening to Willow sound off about her husband-who-cheated in her earbuds as she navigates around her space to finish her make-up, double-check her outfit, and generally have a little bit of a tidy-up. Willow has been on a downward spiral for twenty-three minutes, which is fine, of course – if Ash’s husband had cheated on her she’d need to vent to her best friend too, no matter how many months ago it happened – but Ash is also waiting for a natural pause in the conversation to remind Willow that she’s on her way out, and if she doesn’t go soon she’ll be late for Mona, and Ash doesn’tdolateness. In fact, she finds it the height of self-entitlement,to think your time is more important than somebody else’s. But Willow isn’t pausing for breath. She’s got alotto get off her chest this morning. Understandably.
‘I’m like, at work, supposed to be finalising next season’s marketing budgets and signing off a million different things, and yet I’m pissing about on the Surviving Infidelity Reddit thread reading about the millions of other women this has happened to, thinking,what is the point? What is the fucking point?He’ll do it again. Fuck, he’s probably even done it before. I just do not believe Sonja-from-the-Copenhagen-office is the only one.’
‘Oh, Willow,’ Ash says, forcing herself to sit on the edge of the bed to give her best friend her full focus. ‘I’m sorry it’s so hard. I know how sorry he is, how much he regrets it. I can’t speak to previous cheating, or if he’ll do it again. I suppose nobody knows that, do they? But …’ Ash sighs. She wants to be honest, but she also doesn’t want to say anything she can’t take back. ‘Well. Not every apology has to be accepted. That’s true too. I know you said you wanted to try, but if you change your mind, that’s OK as well. I’ll back you. There’s no right or wrong answer here. You don’t have to be a “good girl” who fights for her marriage because you think that’s what youshoulddo. You can walk away tomorrow, if you want. You don’t even have to have a list of reasons, a collection of evidence that justifies the choice.’ She takes a breath, shrugs even though Willow cannot see her. ‘I think what I mean is, try to make room to listen to your heart. Not just your head.’
Willow is quiet on the other end of the line. Ash’s heart sinks. Shit. That was the wrong thing to say.
‘Willow?’ Ash prompts.
‘Yeah,’ Willow says. ‘I’m here.’
Ash channels her inner CJ and gets the clarification she needs before she can worry any more. ‘Did I misspeak?’ she asks, quietly. Bravely.
Another pause. Eventually: ‘No,’ Willow says. ‘It’s just … you’ve never said that before. About me being able to leave if I want to.’
