His voice broke off, and he sank to kneel before her, his claws gripping deep into his bare knees. “I ensnared you, and I stole you from your home,” he said, very quiet. “And in return, you saved me from my enemies. You tended to me when I was wounded. You vowed to see me safe back to my mountain, even when you knew this risked all your own dreams. And once you were here, when I again pushed you, you only met me in this, and showed me what a true prize you are. You bore my scent and my seed and my jewels without shame. You honoured me and played with me and took joy with me before my brothers. You spoke kindness and bravery to me. You granted me peace like none I have ever tasted, since the day my father died.”
Ella’s wet eyes were blinking at him, her head shaking, saying no, no,no— but Natt’s hands snaked out to grasp hers, and they were hot, clammy, sharp. “You showed yourself a true Grisk,” he said firmly. “The best Speaker’s mate I could have dreamt of. Not once did you shame me. Not once did you falter. Ach, just tonight, at my Revel, you spoke the name of almost every orc you met, and welcomed them to my side. You are a true gift from the gods, my sweet lass. And I” — he hauled in a breath — “I have harmed you. I havebetrayedyou.”
There was only stillness, only emptiness, only those beautiful painful eyes, holding hers with desperate truth. “I ought never to have done this,” he whispered. “But you must believe, my lass, that I did not wish to do this. I sought to send you away from me, again and again. I sought to warn you, I told you this was goodbye. I told you that you knew not what you wished for. Itoldyou the gods should make us pay.”
His voice sounded pleading, his eyes glittering bright and broken, but Ella could only keep shaking her head, gulping for air. “Are you —blamingme, Natt?” her distant voice choked. “For not — catching your cryptic hints? For wanting to believe that what we had was real?”
And here, looking at those exquisitely agonizing eyes, was more truth, more shame. Ella hadwantedto believe it. She’dwantedto trust him. She’d overlooked so many things, ignored so many questions. She’d been such a fool.
“No,” Natt said, his voice flat and fervent, his eyes still true on hers. “No. I do not blame you. I only wish you to know that it was not only falsehood in my heart. I wish you to know that I longed to warn you, and speak truth to you, and keep you safe. I wish you to know that my love for you is true. I wish you to know” — there was a single line of wetness, streaking from the corner of his eye — “that were this a fairer world, I should have long ago claimed you as my mate, and you should even now be standing tall and bright and brave at my side.”
Ella still couldn’t speak, could only look, and shake her head, but Natt was nodding, again, again. “But even without this,” he whispered, “you yet bear the name Ella, of Clan Grisk. You have always held this, since the day you spoke this pledge to me.”
But the words were only more pain, more misery, because it couldn’t be true. Ella couldn’t trust him, she wasn’t, she couldn’t.
“But it was vengeance, for you,” she gasped. “You said. Yousaid, Natt.”
Natt was still nodding, and there was another streak of wetness, escaping from his eye. “Ach, I did,” he said. “And I shall speak no more falsehoods to you, lass, and thus I shall tell you that this was the sweetest vengeance I have ever tasted. It was joy, to take you from this man, who had taken so much from me. It was joy to make you my own. It was joy to see you bloom and smile and grow hungry under my touch. It was joy to know that no matter how this man hunts me, even if he yet kills me and takes you for his own, he can never,evertake this from me.”
That was true, that was there in his eyes, and there was a strange rising heat in it, a compulsive wild longing, surging deep and hidden within. Ella was Grisk. She washis. That was truth. Wasn’t it?
And like always Nattknew, it was there in his eyes, and his hands gripped hers harder, so tight it was pain. “I know I ought not to ask this,” he breathed, “but after this is done, will you yet see me, upon your terms? Even if you yet wed this man? May we yet be — friends?”
Friends. That single word, so loaded and cruel and miserable, seemed to set the heat shattering into ice all at once. And even as a distant part of Ella marvelled at it — Natt would still want to be friends, even if she still marriedAlfred? — she couldn’t dare face it, couldn’t trust him, please —
“You — you said we couldn’t be friends,” she whispered, her voice wooden, a monotone. “You said you would never be a pet again.”
“Ach,” Natt said, his voice thick, his too-bright eyes still held to hers. “But for you, lass, I would bear this.”
He would bear it. Being herfriend. And suddenly Ella just felt sick, and broken, and chilled all over, and she drew her hands away from him, and shook her head. No. No.
“You can’t, Natt,” she whispered. “And I can’t. I can’t do that to you. I can’t trust you. I can’t trust anyone, ever again. I just” — she dragged in breath — “we justcan’t, Natt.”
She was searching his face, silently pleading for him to understand, to know. Like he always did, and was it relief, or something else, when it was there, flaring familiar and pained and broken across those eyes. He knew.
“Ach, my lass,” he said, his eyes finally closing, his body smoothly rising to his feet. “I shall hear your truth, and go.”
32
The night felt endless.
Ella didn’t move from the hard stone floor, didn’t even try, because where else was there to go? Onto Natt’s bed, where he’d made love to her, knowing it was a lie? Into the black corridors, where she’d be hopelessly lost? Out to Alfred, who was sure to cast her away in shame?
Her dull thoughts kept circling back to Alfred, again and again, and each time the dread seemed to rise higher, stronger, laced with fear and unease. She had to go with Alfred, Grimarr had said, to prevent this war. She had to swear to Alfred that she’d come here of her own volition. She had to look him in the eye, and say — what?
I’ve fallen in love with an orc? I’ve betrayed you, as you’ve betrayed me? I know why you want to marry me? I know the horrible, unforgivable things you’ve done? I willneversupport your war?
Or perhaps it would be best to pretend? To lie, apologize, and smile? And if Alfred didn’t immediately cast her away, perhaps she could wait until he’d escorted her back home again, and then quietly break off their betrothal at some later date?
But no matter what — Ella’s eyes darted up to where her engagement-ring was still sitting innocuously on Natt’s shelf — it was sure to be hellish. It would be the chagrin and judgement and fury of her mother. It would be gossip and mockery from everyone Ella knew. It would be firing her servants, packing up everything she owned, saying goodbye to her family’s home, forever. And then what?
Perhaps her father’s heir would allow her to rent one of the estate’s smaller outbuildings, she thought, disjointed. And then, maybe, once she broke it off with Alfred, Natt could still come visit her, and —
She squeezed her eyes shut, and gave a wild shake of her head. No.No. Natt had lied to her. Betrayed her. He was sending her back toAlfred. She could never trust himagain.
And even if Ella managed to stay on at her lands somehow, that would never be the same, either. Her father’s house, her beloved forest, taken over by strangers, and the forest was likely to be sold for timber, or rented for game hunting, or gods knew what else. It would never be home again. It would never behers.
Ella was weeping again, the water dripping steadily from her eyes, and she rubbed at them, dragged in air. She was being selfish. Entitled. She would survive this. She was fortunate enough to have some money squirrelled away apart from the estate, so she wasn’t likely to starve. And if she were careful, and lived very frugally, she might not even need to find work. She could sit around all day, and do — what? She had no practical skills, no training, she’d always been terrible at proper lady-work like needlepoint, so what the hell was she supposed tobe, after all this?
