He’d gone to the library forresearch. And if it hadn’t been so ridiculous, Rosa might have laughed — but she couldn’t even seem to breathe, caught on the look in John’s eyes, the unsteadiness of his voice.
“And this library,” he said, “reeked ofyou, pet. You were upon every last book and paper. Upon even the quills and ink bottles. And most of all upon the tables and desks, and thisbed. All the places where this foul man took you.”
Rosa swallowed hard, waiting, and John choked a laugh without warmth. “I could scarce evenread, for the strength of this,” he continued. “And then you came to me. You did not collapse or shriek or weep at the sight of me. Instead, you argued with me. You asked me questions with clarity and cleverness. And next you heard my words, heeded them as truth, and granted me leave to stay. You — surprised me.”
Oh. Rosa felt her mouth reluctantly twitch up — only John would express such approval at having beenarguedwith — but his eyes were grave, his hands tightening against her. “And next,” he said, his voice lowering, “youofferedyourself to me. And I knew the truth behind this, Iknewyou wished to use me to gain your own ends, and yet” — his eyes closed — “I longed for you, pet. I brooded upon you for the whole of this day. Your hunger tasted so sweet, your yielding was so eager, and yourfear—”
He grimaced, his head snapping away, as though he couldn’t bear to admit that, in this moment — but Rosa’s hands had cupped to his face, bringing it back, drawing those eyes back to hers. “It aroused you,” she whispered. “I know. It aroused me, too.”
There was a glimpse of his tongue, flicking between his lips, and he choked out another curt laugh. “I longed for this,” he said. “Icravedthis. I cared not if I filled you with my son. I cared not about this foul man whose reek tainted your scent. My only thought was my need to have you. To fuck you until you screamed and spurted for me. Toownyou, pet.”
The shame tainted his eyes again, whispering of regret, but Rosa kept her hands on his face, her gaze steady on his. Refusing to judge his desires, or condemn them, in just the same way he’d refused to judge hers.
“Igloriedin this,” he whispered. “In fucking you senseless upon this table, where you read all these foolish lies, and sought in such earnest to undo my kin. I hadnevertasted hunger or power such as this. But after it was done —”
He broke off, once again grimacing, but Rosa watched, waited, until he spoke again. “I swore, that night, that I would address this, and not again yield to your call. But I could not stop. I did this again, and again — and each time there were new secrets to learn, new joys to find. Each time you trapped me deeper under your spell.”
One of his hands shifted from her arse, lifting up to brush against her lips, his clawed finger nudging between them. “I fought against this with all my will,” he breathed. “I fought the bond we had forged. I foughtyou. But I failed.”
The words seemed to settle deep into Rosa’s gut, filling in all those empty spaces, brimming with warmth, with longing. Even as John’s eyes darkened again, flicking away from her, his finger dropping from her lips.
“I could not bear to lose you to this man, when he came for you,” he continued, wooden now. “So I held this from you. I chose to believe your words of hate toward him, rather than seeking your truth.”
Oh. John’s face was slipping into the old mask again, chilly and distant, his jaw rigid under Rosa’s touch. “I failed you, in this,” he said. “And I failed you again, when I struck you unawares with the truth of what this foul man had done to you. And then again when I did not see the strength of your fear of this man, and faced you with meeting him, without me. And thenagain” — his jaw ground tighter under her fingers — “when I raged at you, and sent you running from me, and cast your care upon my kin, and aSkai. When I thrust you and my son into true danger, where I could not keep you safe.”
The words wouldn’t seem to come, suddenly, caught in the clutch of Rosa’s throat, and John’s chest swelled against her, hollowed again. “I ought never to have done this,” he said, his voice so low, so bitter. “I was a fool. I allowed my grief and my rage to swallow me. I bowed to the fear of forever losing you, and my son, to this man. I did not see. I did not learn. I did not” — his eyes flicked to Rosa’s, brief, chagrined — “trust my ownmate.”
His ownmate. That loaded, deadly word, actually spoken from his own mouth, the truth of it glittering in his own eyes. Rosa had been his mate. Shewas.
Rosa felt her head lurch up and down, her fingers skittering on his skin. Her eyes searching his, seeing again that bitterness, the blame. “But I didn’t trust you either,” she whispered, over the lump still clogging her throat. “I lied to you theentire time, John.”
John’s shoulder shrugged, jerking Rosa along with it. “Ach, but I knew all your lies,” he replied, hoarse. “I knew what you stood to lose, and how deeply this man had harmed you. You were yet my mate. You yet carried myson. I ought to have kept you safe.”
His eyes were again blinking beyond her, blank, unseeing, and suddenly Rosa couldn’t bear the sight of it, of her beautiful, powerful mate lost in such misery, such regret.
“Youdidkeep me safe,” she said, giving his head a purposeful shake. “YouknewI was with Tristan. Didn’t you?”
John’s gaze darted toward her, shifting, as he nodded, once. Confirming what Rosa had already known, and she somehow even smiled at him, blinking her own too-wet eyes. “You trusted Tristan to keep me safe,” she said, “and he did. He’swonderful, John. And his loyalty to you is absolute. But I’m sure you know that, don’t you?”
John nodded again, quick and grim, and Rosa nodded too, her hands stroking at the hard lines of his face. “He told me what you did for him and Salvi, all those years ago,” she whispered. “And Salvi told us what you did for him, with his mate. You kept them safe. And youknewthey would do the same for me.”
John’s throat convulsed, but there was another nod, and Rosa attempted another smile, and jabbed a weak-feeling finger into his chest. “You know, Ihatedfighting with you, and being parted from you, you greatreprobate,” she said, as lightly as she could. “But in the end, I think it worked out. Don’t you? I — needed time, I think. To come to terms with you, and with me. To face my own past, and my own truth. To understand my own actions toward you. The ways I lied to you. How I wanted to make amends to you.”
She was babbling again, maybe, but John didn’t seem to mind, and his mouth even twitched, his shoulders sagging. “This was notamends,” he said, husky. “This was a full battle, set and staged and won. This was —brilliant, my clever little pet. It was a play well worthy of a Ka. Of —you.”
Warmth coursed through Rosa’s belly, thick and rich and full, and she flashed him another quick, genuine smile. “Well, it wouldn’t have worked without you,” she said, and she meant it. “Thank you for being there, my lord.”
His eyes felt almost painfully intent on hers, and his nod was slow this time, determined. “I knew I would never again leave you to face such trials alone,” he murmured. “I swore to keep you safe, and Ishall.”
The warmth bubbled again, fuller and brighter, so much that Rosa felt herself beaming at him, her legs tightening around his waist, her arms curling around his neck. “Even if I’m not tall or hearty or serene?” she asked. “Like that other woman you wanted?”
She didn’t quite know why she’d asked it — maybe because it was the last, little nagging whisper, dragging against her happiness — and John was looking at her oddly, his eyes blank. “Who?”
Rosa tried for another smile, but didn’t entirely manage it this time. “Oh, you know,” she said, as offhandedly as she could. “The woman you told me you wanted that day, when you tied me to the bed. The one who doesn’t sell herself, or prattle constantly, or pretend to be cleverer than she is.”
John blinked at her, true astonishment flashing across his face — and there was the comprehension, slow, incredulous. “You ken Imeantthat?” he said, and suddenly he barked a too-loud laugh. “Helvíti, woman. After this you took myclawin your womb, and begged me to spew my seed upon you, and licked your pretty face clean of me, andthankedme. And then smiled at me the whole of the day as if I were agod, all whilst reeking of my fresh scent. You ken I should think ofaughtother false woman, after you fell me withthis?”
Oh. The warmth was trickling back in, shuddering its relief so powerfully that Rosa felt faint — though John was still frowning, his eyes still dark with disbelief. “I wish foryou, woman,” he snapped. “You are quick and curious and clever. You have read more than aught other I know. You are ascholar. You have studied five languages, one of these my own. You found a book that alters the future of my kind, and freely granted this to me, and next wrote a treatise upon this to share with the humans, so that all may gain from your knowledge. You may have stopped awartoday, with your pen, and your insights, and your truth. And” — he inhaled, his voice deepening — “your throat is amarvel, your tight little womb drips orc-seed fordays, and when I push and frighten you, thisexcitesyou, and you beg me for more. And now you carry my son, and have sworn to my kin that I shall not be the last of the Ka. How could I not crave you, and a son from you, with the whole of mybeing?”
