A sob suddenly caught in her throat, the choked sound echoing against the stone around them, and Gwyn felt her feet moving faster, rushing away. Away from Joarr’s watching eyes, away from where Silfast and Kalfr were already a good distance behind them. Away from Orc Mountain, the place she’d stupidly thought could be an actual home, where she’d thought she couldbelong, be helpful, be needed, be safe. When in truth…
Gods, she was stupid. So, sostupid.
Joarr had easily caught up with her again, striding tall and silent beside her, but not looking at her now, not speaking. Not acknowledging any of his guilt, his deception, his gods-damnedcruelty.
“So was it funny,” Gwyn finally breathed, long after Silfast and Kalfr had fallen out of view, “to watch me throwing myself at you? Trying to please you? To help you? To gain yourtrust?”
Her voice came out sounding tenuous, shrill, and she could hear Joarr’s hoarse inhale, perhaps about to reply — but she cut him off with a loud, broken laugh, her head whipping back and forth, her feet nearly jogging beneath her.
“Because you saw it all, with yourmagic,” she gasped. “Didn’t you? Youknew. You knew exactly what to do with me. What to say to me. How to seduce me, havefunwith me, make me trust you. And then how —”
She flapped her hand forward, toward Roy, herfather— and another sob tore from her throat. “You knew how — how lonely I was,” she croaked. “How Roy treated me. How relieved I was to — to finally escape. To find —hope. And you still — you still —”
She rushed ahead even faster, scrubbing at her hot, tear-streaked face — but Joarr kept up so easily, why was he still here, why was he stilldoingthis —
“Woman, I —” he began, but Gwyn kept pushing beyond him, almost running at full tilt now. Her lamp bobbing, her feet sliding on the wet stone below, get it the hell over with, please,please—
“You never had another plan, with this law,” she gasped over her shoulder. “Did you? I was always the plan. Getting me pregnant, and then sending me back, was always the plan. You just had to drag it out long enough, keep me dangling after you, until you knew I’d give you exactly what you wanted. Exactly like Roy did.”
And gods, she couldn’t breathe, her ribs were crushing her, her heartbeat roaring through her skull. And curse her, she was still doing it, still going back there, because she cared about Stella, cared about the Bautul, cared abouthim—
“No,” Joarr said, his voice cracking. “No. Wait. Gwyn. Ibegyou.Please.”
It wasn’t him, wasn’t something he would ever say — and it seemed to slice through the chaos flooding Gwyn’s thoughts. Enough that her feet skittered against the stone, her betraying eyes darting back toward him —
And suddenly Joarr was here. Everywhere. Hovering tall and close and dangerous over her, his long fingers clamping around both her wrists, holding her still. His eyes flashing, his mouth pressed tight, his skin deathly pale over the harsh lines of his bones.
“No,” he rasped again. “I no foresaw all this. Had I seen this, I should never have sworn this pledge to the Bautul.Nevercome to you. Never touch you, or seek to spark son upon you.”
But hehaddone all that, he’dmeantto do that, it was what he’d wanted all along. And Gwyn couldn’t even stop the tears from streaking down her face, while the sobs choked bitter and anguished from her throat.
“You…breakmy sight,” Joarr continued, a little louder, his hands giving her wrists a hard, jolting shake. “You surprise me, again and again, with all I never see. I no see how you spurn me, when first we meet. I no see you learn my plan. I no see how you seekfunwith me, or gain the goddess’ blessing with me. I no see” — his eyes closed, opened again — “how you help me face Bautul. How you work amongst my kin, and make their cares your own. I never see youhappyto spark my son. I never see you happy to…stay.”
Another sob escaped Gwyn’s mouth, and she felt her body swaying against the words, the heat in his voice, the truth in his eyes. Like they were all striking at her, stroking at her, pleading with her to understand. To know. To follow his damned pinecone. To —forgive.
But it was cruel, impossible,unfathomable. Because how could Gwyn ever know if he was telling the truth again? Or if he was only saying what needed to be said, to gain his own ends? To make his visions real?
“You are witch, ach?” Joarr breathed now, his voice low, fervent. “Mywitch. You catch me in your spell, with your wisdom, and hunger, and kindness, andfun. You are surely the goddess’ own. You bear her blessing. Herfavour.”
The goddess’ own. Herfavour. Those words striking strange and deep, plunging in Gwyn’s belly, as her thoughts abruptly flipped, sharp and jolting, toward the day before. The altar. The light. The ecstasy, the divinity, the mingled longing and grief glimmering in his eyes. His.Hers.
“Wished to tell you all this truth,” Joarr whispered, blinking, shaking his head. “Wished you to know. Thought, mayhap, you did.”
And curse him, curseher, because again — maybe shehad. He’d dropped so many hints, he’d known so many things he shouldn’t have known, he’d spoken ofseeingso many times. Gods, even that whole bit about him being the Bautul Seer, the tale of his grandfather failing to predict a future danger, of him now wanting to make amends to the clan. And why had Gwyn never asked him, never sought deeper…
But no.No. She was done fooling herself, done pretending not to see what was right before her face. And in truth, she… she…
She hadn’twantedto know. She hadn’t wanted to face it. She’d ignored all the hints, all the signs, onpurpose.
Because Joarr seeing the future, knowing what was to come — it destroyedeverything. It destroyed their happiness, their work together, theirhope.Because it meant that all that time, in all he’d done — he’d still known it would ultimately come to this. To a lord’s stupid,stupiddaughter, running home afraid and alone, and pregnant with an orc’s son. So that…
“Should you,” Joarr cut in, his voice so quiet, “wish now to turn back, you — you ought to do this. You shall always be welcome among us. Even if you forever spurn me, or my son, I shall always seek to honour you. Keep you safe.”
And it should have helped, it should have been an option, an answer — but Gwyn just kept blinking at his pale, drawn face, her eyes swimming, the misery pulsing deeper with every frantic beat of her heart.
“But what happens if I turn back?” she asked, hollow. “You know, don’t you?”
His grimace was hard and ugly, twisting at his mouth, and Gwyn wasn’t looking away from the truth this time. She wasn’t. Not anymore.
