The bitter disbelief kept twisting tighter, dark and miserable in her belly, because Rathgarr wasn’t even denying it. Was still just looking at her like that, like he didn’t believe her, like he didn’t even know her, after all this time…
“Then why did you speak false until now,” he hissed at her. “Why did you keep this hidden from me!”
Geva’s breaths were very short, suddenly, gulping in and out, her eyes frozen on his face. “Well, you never asked, did you?” she shot back. “You’ve barely asked me anything about my past at all! Why would I tell you, when I knew you wouldn’t evencare!”
Rathgarr visibly flinched at that, and his shoulders hunched, his hands clenched at his sides. “I thought you did not wish to speak of the past,” he said, very stiff. “You have not oft pushed me to speak of mine, and I was — grateful, for this. I should never have thought” — his voice cracked — “thiswas why you wished to work for me? Because you lost all else you had?”
He grimaced, shaking his head, rubbing his hand over his eyes. As if he was genuinely hurt by this, offended by this, and the unfairness of that was surging up, scraping at Geva’s tight throat. “Why the hell does it matter?” she croaked back. “What the hell difference does it make? It wasyearsago, Rathgarr. And I needed a new job, you offered me one, I took it. End of story!”
But damn him, Rathgarr was looking almost wounded now, his hand again dragging against his eyes. “After I broke into your schoolroom, and threatened your life?” he said. “After I near stole your tiny hoard from you?!”
Oh, so now it was all abouthim, and his own damned guilt about taking advantage of a poor helpless governess, and Geva felt her fury surging up even harder, her head whipping back and forth. “You did not coerce me into anything, Rathgarr,” she replied, as hard as she could. “Iwantedthis. Ichoseto work for you. I made a logical, practical decision for myself, for my own damned future. You could have been a snivelling illiterateghoul, and I still would have done it! Formyself!”
And it sounded right, it should have been right, it shouldn’t have flashed even more palpable hurt across Rathgarr’s watching, blinking eyes. Eyes that were carefully looking away, now, focusing on the opposite wall.
“Ach, I see,” he said, very even. “So itisall for the coin, then.”
Wait. Wait, how had he gotten there, and suddenly he was whirling around, and striding for the door. He was going to leave, just like that — and even as Geva lunged after him, he spun back around to face her again, his mouth twisted and thin.
“My only question, then,” he said, his voice so cold and brittle now, “is why you keep seeking to make me stay. Why you keep seeking to enmesh me here, and turn aside all my plans. Why you so eagerly wish to make me into this settled, harmless, uselessfailureI pretend to be!”
What? A cold, jolting chill raced up Geva’s back, her mouth fallen open. He — heknewshe’d wanted him to stay, all this time? And he thought — he thought he was a failure? Settled, harmless,useless?!
And gods, he was smiling now, but it was hard, grim, not nearly reaching his eyes. “Ach, is that the coin too, poppet?” he asked, his voice silken and deadly. “You ken if we stay here, and my father’s hoard comes to light, half of it shall then be yours, as my mate? This should be far more than a simple payment from youremployer, ach?”
Another chill was racing up Geva’s back, and finally she seemed able to move again, her hand clutching at Rathgarr’s arm, her head whipping back and forth. But he was nodding, and still smiling like that, so wrong, wrong, wrong on his mouth.
“And mayhap the sons are part of this also,” he continued, so smooth. “Mayhap you wish to lull me into ease upon this, until I finally relent, and agree to ripen your womb. And then, when my hoard comes to light, you only need to find a way to be free of me, ach?”
Good gods, he was not truly saying these things, he couldn’t actually believe these things, and he was still just looking at her like that, mocking her, waiting for an answer. But how could she possibly answer this, how could she make him see, how had they even gotten to this, this was —
His harsh bark of a laugh cut through her thoughts like a knife, and he made to whirl away again — and somehow, somehow, Geva managed to clutch at him, clinging as hard as she could, keeping him here, please, anything, please —
“No, Rathgarr!” her voice finally gulped, toward his rigid shoulder. “Gods, no! How could you possibly think such things?!”
His hand made a sharp slicing movement, as if to shove her away — but then it halted, just in time, his eyes squeezing shut. His body utterly still, now, even as he laughed, and shook his head.
“Ach, how could I not?” he drawled, the words striking, staggering, with impossible strength. “You thought you were so clever, poppet, with all your devious little plots. You ken I did not see how hard you worked for me, and sought to gain my trust? How you altered yourself to suit me, and learnt how best to please me, and soothe me, and make me feel at home? How you shamelessly sought to draw out the depths of my hunger, in a way no other bedmate haseversought to do?”
No, no, damn it, no, and Geva couldn’t stop clinging to him, wildly shaking her head. “No, Rathgarr,” she croaked. “No. I did all that because —”
She couldn’t say it, she couldn’t, not with him looking at her like that, with that judgement and mockery and contempt in his eyes. Just the way he’d looked at her the first day they’d met, and no, no, no…
“I did it because I love you, Rathgarr,” she whispered. “And because — I want to stay.”
39
Even as Geva spoke those strange, betraying words —I love you, I want to stay— she knew Rathgarr didn’t believe them. Could see it in the flash of his eyes, the sharp, sudden sneer on his mouth.
“Ach, this is a good one, poppet,” he said, after a beat of silence, with a smile that might have almost been approving, if it weren’t so menacing. “But if you truly wish me to believe it, mayhap you ought to wail and weep a little. Or mayhap throw yourself at my feet, or beg me to spray into your hair?”
Good gods, thisorc, and Geva groaned aloud, her hands digging painfully into his arm. “Oh, fuck off, Rathgarr,” she growled at him, suddenly breathless, thoughtless, with rage. “Just because you see nefarious plots around every corner, that doesn’t mean they actually exist! Is it so hard to believe that yes, I may have started doing this for the coin, but” — she sucked back a breath — “the more I got to know you, the more I liked you?!”
But Rathgarr was snarling back at her, shaking his head. “I have heard this tale before,” he hissed. “And I know it was a falsehood, for I wasthere!”
Geva’s fury felt almost dizzying, and she glared back up into his infuriating face. “Yes, and so was I, and it wasweeksago!” she snapped back. “And even then, it was already coming true, and you damn well know it!”
Rathgarr opened his mouth to reply, but Geva flapped her hand between them, and fiercely shook her head. “Because yes, you’re smug and devious andextremelyenraging,” she growled, “but you’re also funny, and clever, and quite possibly the most generous person I’ve met in my life. You’ve fed me, and cared for me, and danced with me, and braided my hair, and given me multiple very thoughtful gifts. And you’ve given me shocking amounts of advice and help in the schoolroom, and you arebrilliantwith those orclings, and youenjoyspending time with them, and don’t even try topretendotherwise with me!”
