She was panting by the time she’d finished, the room slightly flickering around her, but she drew down more air, more of the churning rage. “And has it not occurred to you,” she gasped, “that maybe Ilikechildren? Maybe I like teaching them, and maybe I’d like to have some of my own? Maybe I’d like to have them with a generous, considerate, andsettledpartner, who’s already proven a dozen times over that he’s a damned good father, and that his first son loves him very,verymuch?!”
Rathgarr’s scowl had slightly faded, though his brows were still furrowed, his head shaking — and Geva’s laugh sounded far too shrill, her finger jabbing into his chest. “Kesst loves you,” she hissed. “And he wants you to forget the hoard, forget the revenge, andstay. Just like I do. And in case you’ve been too dense to notice” — she waved sharply toward that cradle, still sitting innocuously beside their bed — “hewants us to have a son, too!”
There was still no answer from Rathgarr, so Geva laughed again and shoved away from him, her hands flailing aimlessly in the air. “And honestly,” she choked out, on another shrill, strange-sounding laugh, “even if my nefarious plotwasto have your son, and thereby somehow steal away your nonexistent hoard, why the hell would I want to get rid ofyou? When you keep giving me everything I’ve ever damn wellwanted?!”
The words rang through the room, her breath finally gone, her rage shuddering one last time — and then sputtering out. Sinking into a bleak, dragging misery, because gods, that look in his eyes. The way he was holding himself. Not with the stiff, unseeing, unnerving emptiness, but just the way he looked at Ulfarr. With the dislike, and the mistrust, and the resentment, as he looked first at her face, and then down at her clothes, her jewels, herwedding-ring.
“And when I stop giving you what you wish for?” he asked, in a voice she’d never heard before. “Will you keep my son from me? Will you put him at risk, because you only care for what you want? Will you then find a clever way toget rid of me?”
His voice had shifted into a human accent at the end, and something sharply roiled in Geva’s stomach, her head wildly shaking, no, no,no— and she made herself jerk a step backwards, away. Putting an arms-length of distance between them, and swallowing hard, and fighting to keep her prickling eyes on his.
“How can you eventhinkthat, Rathgarr,” she hissed at him, though her voice cracked. “I have worked so, so hard for you. I have giveneverythingI have to help and support you, again and again and again. And after all that” — she had to gulp down another breath — “you still don’t trust me? Still?”
And Rathgarr… didn’t deny it. Just stood there looking at her like that, with such strange, unsettling blankness in his eyes. As if he perhaps wasn’t even seeing her, but every other woman who had hurt him, and betrayed his trust.
“Is there anything,” Geva managed, between heavy breaths, “that I can do to convince you, Rathgarr. To show you that I mean it, when I say I’m not here for the coin. I — I’m here for you.You.”
He remained still for another long, hanging moment, but finally something moved, deep in his eyes — and then came another laugh, low and mirthless on his mouth. “You truly ken I should tell you how to convince me?” he asked, his voice so thin. “And then, as with every other time I have told you what I wish, you shall go forth and do this, so flawlessly I can no longer tell up from down?”
Damn it, damn it, Geva’s eyes were swimming, her thoughts desperately flailing for solutions, ideas, anything, but finding nothing, nothing. Only just standing here in silence, staring at him. Only an arms’-length away, but suddenly feeling like a vast, empty chasm was racing out between them.
“I’m not going to apologize for working hard for you,” she bit out, into it, against it. “Or for not telling you about my family, when you didn’t even ask. But if you want the truth” — she made her blinking eyes hold to his — “I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t bear for you to feel sorry for me, or to feel you’d taken advantage of me. I didn’t want to lose what we had. Didn’t want to” — the word broke into a sob — “to lose you, too. To lose this life with you, when I’ve only just found it.”
She had to keep dragging for air, trying to breathe through the lurking sobs in her throat. And there was no way to say anything else now, not without breaking down and weeping before him, just the way he’d told her to, if she wanted to try to convince him. And oh gods, how had it come to this, how could she have prevented this, no, forward, no —
“I need — some time,” his voice broke in, sudden, wooden, as his clawed hand dragged through his hair. “Alone. I shall — come to you. With an answer.”
And without another word, or even a look, he strode to the door, and left.
40
Rathgarr didn’t return that night.
It had been weeks since they’d spent a night apart — since their very first night travelling together — and Geva had almost forgotten how it felt to sleep without him, without his safe, familiar warmth curled up against her. And even worse, without the heady release of their usual evening pleasures, turning her sated and boneless and peaceful beneath his clever, easy touch.
And as she lay there in their bed alone, she couldn’t stop thinking backwards, sifting through the past few weeks, desperately searching for where it had gone wrong, what she could have done differently. Should she have been less attentive, less obliging? Should she have argued more, ignored more, refused to accept his coins or his praise or his tongue? And surely she shouldn’t have tried to sway him the way she had, to show him why he should stay — but clearly he wouldn’t have been any more willing to consider her honesty, either? And he’d been the one to keep pulling away, to keep putting those walls between them, to keep all those damned secrets.
I learnt very well to keep my secrets close.Most of all when a pretty woman smiles at me and asks for them.
Geva somehow fell into a fitful, miserable sleep, jerking awake again and again at every sound in the corridor, until finally the faint morning light from above was enough to drag her out of bed, and over to the wardrobe. To where she hadn’t opened it in days — weeks? — because Rathgarr liked to choose her clothes, and it had been one more way to oblige him. And — she could admit — another way he’d made her feel special. Cared for.
And even now, she still found herself blinking hard as she carded through the neat rows of clothes inside. There were so many new shifts, ones she didn’t even recognize, in multiple cuts and colours — and even here, at the very back, was a cloak she’d never seen before. A thick, warm-looking, well-made cloak, with a soft, fur-lined hood. And it was far too small for Rathgarr, and it was here in their wardrobe, so…
She felt herself fingering at her wedding-ring, the one he’d chosen for her, because he’d thought it would look well against her skin. And he’d chosen the cuff for her too, and the belt and the necklace, and the beads and clasp for her hair. And why had he done all that, why would he have bothered, if he hadn’t cared?
He’d needed to think. And that wasn’t a no. Was it?
Geva kept repeating that thought as she dressed in one of the new shifts, with his cuff, and his hair-clasp. And as she walked up to the schoolroom, she felt her heartbeat rising, her hope swelling higher with every rapidfire beat. Maybe he would meet her here. He hadn’t missed a day yet. Surely he would come.
But when she stepped into the cozy, familiar schoolroom, she was dismayed to find only Killik and Ulfarr with Sune, the three of them rapidly signing together, even as Killik glanced up toward her. “Rathgarr sent word that he cannot come today,” he said. “So Ulfarr shall help me lead the morning’s game out in the trees, ach?”
Oh. Geva fought through the plunge in her belly, and managed a nod, and a signedthank-youtoward Ulfarr. Who eyed her with blatant suspicion in return, and she was deeply grateful for the abrupt arrival of Hauk and Hagen, followed by the three small Ka-esh. And it turned out that Erik had forgotten his eye-mask, requiring her to rush around to make a new one, and then the three Grisk were excitedly pulling over a brand-new, plump little orcling, with two neat braids in his hair, and wide, long-lashed eyes.
“Miss Gee!” exclaimed Tyr, tugging the orcling forward. “This is Vragi. He is new today, and his father has brought him all the way here from Bairia, so that he might come learn with us!”
Oh. Geva felt herself giving the first genuine smile of the day, and knelt down to introduce herself, and welcome Vragi to the class. And though he seemed very shy at first, he was soon running around shrieking with the rest of them, until Killik — instead of Rathgarr — called for the orclings to follow him outside.
“Is Rathgarr not here?” Timo asked Geva, with an uncertain twitch of his nose, as a few other orclings lingered back, clearly wanting to know, too. “I cannot smell him nearby.”
