It’s time to let him go.
My dream of being a racer and being important to him are all so tied up together that I feel like walking away from everything I ever wanted, but I know what I need to do. It’s time to stop chasing dreams that will never come true.
It’s time to move on.
My phone hasn’t stopped going off, but I ignore Alek, Skylar, Evan, and even Noah. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I slip from the silk sheets and sink to my ass on the cold floor, where I tug out the wooden box I take everywhere with me.
Opening it, I remove the clippings I saved and stare at him.
Noah.
He was younger then, younger than me now, but he was already at the top of his league, winning race after race. He was my hero, the reason I became a racer, and why I kept applying to Starfire, even when other companies wanted to recruit me. I knew what I wanted. I always did, and I went for it.
Maybe it is a teenage crush that I’m holding onto, one I need to let go of. Wiping my eyes, I put his photos back in the box and pull out the first trophy I ever won. When I accepted it, I wondered if he would give me one someday. I would imagine his face over and over.
Every relationship I’ve ever been in didn’t last because theyweren’t him. What started as hero worship soon turned into a crush, and then into longing when I started working for him. I spent every day with him, falling deeper and harder, even when he was grumpy and snippy. The softness he hid under it all was my favorite, and it felt like it was just for me.
My phone buzzes again, and I glance at it, wiping my eyes. I answer when I see the name. “Hey, Grandma.”
“Are you home?” she asks sweetly. I hear her serial killer programs in the background, a familiar tune of my childhood, and something about it and her kind voice relaxes me.
“Yeah, I’m home,” I admit.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her voice hard. For someone her age, she is a badass. She was always willing to go toe to toe with anyone who disrespected me, like the time when my school called her in because I was fighting. I shared that they kept talking shit about my parents, and instead of grounding me, she gave me a hundred dollars in front of the principal and kids and told me to kick their ignorant asses harder next time. That same fire is in her voice now.
“Nothing, I’m just tired,” I say, not wanting her to worry.
“Uh-uh, you could never lie to me, kid, like when you started masturbating.” She chuckles.
“Grandma.” I groan as my head hits my bed, but a small smile curls my lips and that pain lessens. “I’m okay, just feeling a little lost.”
“Doesn’t everyone?” I hear the creak of her chair as she turns off the TV. “You’re still so young. Stop thinking you have to have everything figured out, okay? I know you’re determined to be your best and make it happen, but you’re allowed to make mistakes and change your mind. You’re just a kid.”
I huff. “I’m twenty-five.”
“Exactly. You’ve had twenty-five years on earth. That’s it. It’s your first life, so stop being so hard on yourself. I’m seventy-two and I still don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. None of us do. We are all just doing the best we can.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “I’m just trying to figure out if I should keep going or give up,” I hedge.
“Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s a decision that makes you happy, okay?” She sighs. “Tell me who let my sunshine boy down, and I’ll kick their ass for you.”
I laugh and turn, looking at the skyline as I speak. “I know you would. I love you.”
“I know. I love you too, kid, never forget that . . . or the fact that I take classes. I can do it.”
“You take tai chi,” I tease.
“And cooking classes, which means I know how to use a knife.” I laugh again, and her voice is soft when she continues. “I don’t want you to be unhappy, kid, so just make sure your decision makes you happy.”
“What if the thing that would make me happy is also the thing that breaks my heart?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a moment. “Then you need to figure out if the happiness is worth the pain. Nothing comes easy, not something worth having, and you’ve never been one to give up easily.”
I haven’t, but I’m tired and confused right now.
Isn’t giving up the best for both of us? Clearly, Noah is immovable and he wants me to do just that. If I care for him, shouldn’t I give him what he wants, even if it means breaking my own heart?
Do I love him enough to do that?
