“How about you come home this weekend? We can watch that new movie you keep going on about and eat shitty food and laugh at Miss Kitty next door.”
My smile is wide. “It’s a date. See you then.”
“See you then, and remember what I said. Knife skills. Plus, I look good in orange.”
Laughing, I hang up and glance down at the open box. I wonder if she’s right. Am I strong enough to fight for this, or should I walk away so we can both be happy?
Neither is an option I like, but maybe I don’t have a choice anymore.
SEVEN
Noah: I’m sorry, kid. I shouldn’t have shouted.
Ireread the message before deleting it, thumbing out three more and deleting them too. Finally, I settle on a simple one.
Noah: Did you get home okay?
I drop my phone to my chest and wait. He usually replies instantly to my messages, day or night, but this one never comes and I worry. It’s for the best if he pushes me away and gives up. I can never be what he wants, but I struggle to breathe around the idea of Mackie leaving me.
I’ll still see him every day at work. It’s not like he’ll leave forever. If I’m honest with myself, it’s not his age that scares me or the fact that I’m his boss. It’s that I can’t be what he wants me to be. It’s the idea of hurting him. If there is one thing I never want to do, it’s hurt Mackie, and this will only end one way—I will break his heart.
I won’t do that to him or anyone else.
It is way too quiet as I stretch out on my bed, remembering thenight he was drunk. His laughter filled the empty tomb of my house, bringing every corner to life.
He had taken his clothes off, and I had to chase him upstairs. Mackie dove into my bed, and I ended up having to tuck him in before Skylar arrived. He’d been sick all night, and I spent hours rubbing his back and taking care of him.
I liked taking care of him.
“Noah, it hurts,” he whines as he raises his head from my toilet. His hair is soaked with sweat, as well as water from the towel I press to his forehead. His skin is pale, his eyes are bloodshot, and his clothes have long since disappeared as he wraps himself tight around the porcelain bowl.
Sighing, I rub his back as he throws up again. “Shh, it’s okay. It will be over soon. Get it all out.”
He throws up on his chest, and I wince but rub his back until he’s done, then he rests his face on the toilet.
Lifting him into my arms, I ignore him as Mackie pushes against my chest. “I’m covered in vomit,” he grumbles.
“It’s fine. Just go to sleep, okay?” I respond softly as I carry him to my bed and slide him between the sheets. He looks so young in this moment, watching me with his wide eyes.
“I’m sorry.” His lip trembles, and I can’t take it.
Sitting next to him, I let him curl into my side, burying his head in my chest as I rub his back again. “It’s okay. Just don’t get this drunk next time, alright? It isn’t good for you, and if I’m not there, it isn’t safe.”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” he murmurs, and I have to bite back my smile. He’s so adorable when he’s drunk.
“It’s okay, my beautiful boy,” I say, knowing he won’t remember this tomorrow. “I’m just glad you’re okay and that you called me. You can always call me. No matter what happens or where you are, I will always come.”
“You aren’t mad?”
“At you? Never,” I reply as I pull him closer. “Get some sleep.”
Nodding, he shuffles closer. I let us both have this stolen moment,our usual rules gone for just one night. It doesn’t take long for his breathing to even out and his little snores to fill the air.
Brushing his hair back, I stare at his sleeping face, and I wonder what it would be like to come home to him every day.
I know I’ll never be allowed to have that. I can’t, but for a moment, I let myself ponder that dream. If I could, I would choose for him to be my future.
If anyone was ever going to make me want to break my vow, it would be Mackie.
